Page 97 of The Downside of Love
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, wiping away my tears.
“Where were you tonight?”Where have you been this last week?
He grips my hips and holds me in place tightly, his body heat putting me at ease. “I went for a walk.”
“Why didn’t you ask me to go with you?”
His thumbs rub over my skin. “Needed some alone time.”
“From me?”
“No, not from you, Rory.” His voice is so deflated; it’s killing me. “I just needed time to think.”
Time to think is never a good thing. Time to think means he’s considering leaving me. It happens any time someone in a relationship begins to “think.” I will not let his dad ruin us, ruin what we have, or ruin Stryder.
“To think about what?” I scoot in a little closer and place my hands on his shoulders. “Think about us?” He doesn’t answer, but tilts his head down instead, sending my heart into a plummeting spiral. “What is there to think about?” I ask in a panic. “There should be nothing to think about. I love you, Stryder. You love me. That is it.”
He leans his head against the headboard, the corded muscles in his neck flexing with his prominent Adam’s apple. Studying the ceiling, he sighs before he starts talking. “All my life I’ve never been good enough, Rory. I’ve never been the man my dad dreamed of me becoming. He’s vocalized his disappointment every chance he’s been given. All throughout high school, he berated and bullied me. When I was at the Academy, I finally had periods of time away from him, and I felt like I could breathe. But now”—he shakes his head—“he’ll do just about anything to crucify me.”
“What did he say to you?”
“Doesn’t matter.” He swallows hard. “But I’ve never been good enough for him, never been good enough for myself. But then I met you.” He lifts his head and pins me with those blue eyes of his. “You came around and changed everything I thought of myself. I'd never believed anyone would want to know me for me. I'd felt as though I lived in my brothers' shadows, in my dad's shadow all my life. You offered such genuine friendship, which I still find hard to accept. Living with you, spending these last few months loving you side by side, had started to rebuild the darker parts of me. I started to believe I could be a man you deserve to hold on to.”
“You are.” I grip onto him tightly. “You are everything I could have ever hoped for in a best friend, a partner and a lover.”
“But. There is always a but.”
“There is no but here. What I said is true.”
“But,” he continues, “no matter how hard I try to block out my dad’s words, they still hit me hard, as if I’m a teenager looking for his approval. I can’t stand that I crave it, that I need his approval to be fucking happy.”
Gritting down and wanting to be honest, I say, “You know he’ll never give it to you, Stryder. Even if you did make flight school there would have been something you were doing wrong. He’s a pathetic man who preys on his family because he’s not a happy individual. He could have all the medals in the world decorating his chest, but what he doesn’t have is the respect of his family, and that right there defines him. Not the wings on his jacket, or his career. What defines him is his soul, and his soul is ugly.” I move my hands to his cheeks. “Don’t let an ugly soul define who you are, Stryder, because you are so much more of a man than him.”
He shakes his head, but I stop him and force him to look me in the eyes. “You are.” I press my hand against his heart. “This right here, this heart is so beautiful. It’s sweet and caring and thoughtful. I couldn’t care less if you’re working in the air or on the ground. It doesn’t matter. What impresses me is the way you treat people, the way you take care of me so effortlessly, as if you were built to do it. What matters to me are the kind words you speak, and your willingness to share your soul with me. Nothing more.” He moves his hands up my back, dragging my shirt with him, the feel of his palms against my skin sending chills up my spine. “I love you, Stryder, and that’s never going to change.”
His fingers dig into my back, bringing me only inches away from him where he places his forehead against mine. “I need you so goddamn bad, Rory. You breathe life into my lungs, but I’m terrified I’m going to lose you, that one day you’re going to wake up and realize you picked the wrong guy.”
My beautiful man. Up until now, I hadn’t realized how much it must have crushed him that I was attracted to Colby first. God, I hate that I hurt him. "Stryder, I can't take back choosing Colby that first night, but I have thought long and hard about that choice. About why it was him then. But I noticed you too, that night. In fact, I remember thinking that you were exciting, the life of the party, someone I could see myself with. But my heart reached out to Colby's discomfort. Did I love him? Yes, I did. He became precious to me. But I know now that a lot of that love was because I wanted to rescue him. To know that he'd lost so much so young spoke to the fixer in me. I sensed his reticence though. He never truly gave me everything, because his everything revolved around his dream of flying. And I didn't fit there. Did it hurt me to break up with him? Yes. But as the months went on, I knew I'd done the right thing. I felt free knowing I had let him go so he could fully focus on flying. It was the best decision. For him. For me. And then for us."
He looks deeply into my eyes, and I can see him wrestling with what I'm telling him. I need him to know that he wasn't the second-best choice for me. He is the choice. The best choice.
I kiss him gently on his forehead, knowing how much I love it when he does that to me. "Look at me, Stryder." He lifts his gaze. "You're not going to lose me. Even if you try to push me away. You are my right choice. You. It's me who doesn't feel enough at times, because just like you did that first night I met you, you impress me. Drivemeto be the best version of myself."
"I just want you to be happy."
"Well, don't. Because being happy isn't enough. My life is magnificent because of you. I am more than happy. I'm content and full because you also breathe life into me. And that's the sort of life I want to live. And it's only possiblewithyou."
Chapter Twenty-Five
STRYDER
It took a week for Rory and me to get back to better footing. I had to think hard and long about her words, about how her choice to love me was the most natural choice for her. How I wasn’t second best to Colby.“My life is magnificent because of you. I am more than happy. I'm content and full because you also breathe life into me. And that's the sort of life I want to live. And it's only possible with you."
I am determined to retrain my mind. To stop believing my dad’s opinion defines me. My dad is an asshole. To everyone, except those he likes. In contrast, I get on really well with Rory’s dad. In fact, he has called me on occasion to go have a beer with him or to watch baseball with him and Bryan.
But Rory and I are closer now than ever after several months of dating. She owns me. And my heart is hers forever.
And then came Hardie’s phone call. The devastating news of Colby’s grandpa’s passing. Hardie begged me to go to the funeral, to represent our group of friends, even though I haven’t talked to Colby in over a year. And I almost didn’t attend. I was very insistent about not going, but Rory told me I would regret it if I didn’t.
