Page 37 of The Downside of Love
STRYDER
Two weeks.
It’s been two weeks of bouncing back and forth between Rory and Ryan’s houses, mainly staying at Ryan’s but going to Rory’s on the weekends. It almost feels like they have custody of me, constantly talking to each other about who’s taking me when.
If I wasn’t so relieved I didn’t have to be at my parents’ house, I might actually feel bad. But I don’t.
I’m grateful.
And I make sure I show that. I clean, I cook—mainly for Ryan, who in fact is a genuine hot mess, but I like it—and I always put the toilet seat down. I’m a gentleman, if anything.
I think Ryan likes having “custody”—as they call it—more because I cook for both of us. I’m not much of a cook, but I did find a recipe on the Internet for enchiladas, and that’s been a real winner. I’ve made them three times now and one would think I’d be getting tired of them, but they’re that damn good.
When I’m with Rory, the roles are reversed. She loves cooking, and when I offer to make her dinner, she shakes her head and offers me a chance to help, but that’s about it. I think it’s because she truly enjoys caring for people. I love watching the joy in her face when I take the first bite of her meal, likesheis more excited to see my reaction than actually eat the food.
It’s fucking adorable.
Everything about her is adorable.
If anything has become clearer over these past two weeks about my feelings is that I’m not just infatuated with Rory. I’m in fucking love with her. Truly in love.
I’ve fallen so hard for her, it hurts.
Every morning, I can smell her on me, even when I’m not staying with her. I can still feel her arms wrapped around me, her spur-of-the-moment hug before bed implanted within me, as if her arms branded my skin and left her mark for eternity.And maybe they did. And she may never know.
She caught me off guard at first. I wasn’t sure what the hell she was doing, but when I figured it out, fuck, I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up, take her to her bed, and cuddle the fuck out of her. I desperately wanted to bury my head in her hair and take her in until I slowly fell asleep to her fresh honey scent.
But I didn’t. Instead, I barely held her, just enough to get a feeling for what it would be like if she was mine, just a test, a teaser of what my life could be like.Her softness against my hard.I wanted more but I was scared. I was scared the moment I was experiencing was all in my head; that in fact I was dreaming Rory was wrapped around me. I didn’t want to scare her or wake up from the blissful reverie I thought I was having.
It wasn’t a dream though.
And the next day, when I packed up to go to Ryan’s house, before I left, she snagged my arm and once again pressed her warm body against mine, infusing her soul into mine.How did she know? How could she know that someone denied touch for so much of his life yearned for it?I have no idea how she knew, but I thanked God she did.
I held on to that feeling for the entire week, remembering what it was like to be the one she offered her arms to, and when I went back to her place that following Friday, I held my breath, waiting and praying that when she opened the door to her apartment, I would be greeted the same.
I was.
And I fell. I fell so fucking hard for her.
Now she’s all I think about, more now than before. I count down the minutes until I get to see her again, until I get to hear her soft and peaceful voice. I count down the minutes until I’m privy to that beautiful smile and addictive laugh. Even work is tolerable, especially on Fridays, knowing it’s no longer the only thing in my life. I nowenjoyRyan’s quirkiness throughout the weeknights, waiting impatiently until Friday when I get to gohome.When I eat dinner with Rory and ask her about her day.
But with each passing moment I spend with her, I can’t help but feel fucking guilty.
There is an unspoken rule between military brothers: we will throw down for each other and self-sacrifice. Colby is my boy, the one person I relied on to be there for me through the hell we were enduring, the pressure of the Academy, and I was his person too. We were each other’s rocks.
He is the reason I stepped aside, the reason why even though it pained me every time to see him with Rory, I never said anything, because he was happy. He was finding his peace and I wanted that for him, despite the white-hot jealousy that roared through me.
He is the reason why I won’t allow myself to give in to my feelings. Even though we haven’t spoken since graduation, I still feel a sense of loyalty to him. Rory is his girl, the one that changed his life, made him step outside his comfort zone, and I know for a fact there is no way he’s over her. He can’t be.
If he has an ounce of the type of feelings I have for her, I know I wouldn’t be over her. Even when Colby and Rory were dating, I tried to shake the nagging feelings in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t. They’d taken up permanent residence, stayed firmly planted, until they resurfaced and grew to an insurmountable affection.
There is no hope for me.
Knocking on the door, I wait impatiently for the sound of her feet to pad across the floor only to be greeted by a giant smile and an even better hug.
After waiting a few breathless seconds, Rory opens the door, freshly showered, wet hair dancing over her shoulders, wearing a vintage-looking Star Wars shirt and black shorts. “Hey.” She smiles. “You know you can use the key I gave you.”
I walk into the apartment, and once she shuts the door, she comes to me, and without hesitation, pulls me into a hug. Reciprocating, my eyes flutter shut, my senses invaded by her bubbly personality, my mind turning into a puddle of affection for this woman.
