Page 78 of The Downside of Love
“Then what’s the holdup? I told you, you don’t have to prove anything to me. I want you, Stryder.” And that’s the God’s honest truth. He is a man I want by my side, a man I want in my bed, a man I want to cherish daily.
He’s not only become a certified coach with Special Olympics so he can coach Bryan, but he’s also spent countless hours with the other athletes. He’s dedicated his weekends to me. He’s made me dinner multiple times, and he’s even cleaned the apartment. And those are just non-essential things. They have nothing to do with the way he makes me feel as a woman. The way his gaze rakes over me whenever I enter a room, or the way he unabashedly and intimately touches me, as if he’s in awe every time I allow his caress.As if I wouldn’t. His touch slays me.
He’s consumed me and there is no doubt in my mind that I want to take the next step with him. Why is he holding back?
Stroking his thumbs over my inner thigh, he drops his gaze to my lap when he says, “I want you too, Rory, but it’s . . . it’s not that simple.”
“What do you mean?” I lift his chin so those devastating eyes are forced to find me. “Why isn’t it simple?”
“Because,” he lets out a deep breath and drags one of his large hands over his face, “I feel guilty. It’s consuming me.”
“Guilt? Guilt for what?”
Scratching the side of his jaw, he says, “Colby.”
“Stryder—”
Shaking his head, he says, “He was my best friend, Rory. We went through basic together, we leaned on each other during our four years at the Academy. He became my brother, and now . . .” He shifts on the chair and gently sets me down on the side as he turns so his legs are hanging off the lounger. “Now I’m betraying that bond.”
The thought of what Colby might think has crossed my mind, multiple times, but I always refer back to what my mom said.He’s in his own world now, and he’s doing his own thing. I can’t put my life on hold because of a relationship I’ve put in my past.
And Stryder can’t do that either.
Sitting next to him, I loop my arm through his and clasp our hands together. “Can I ask you a question, Stryder?”
“Of course.” He exhales, leaning into my touch.
“This passion between us, this relationship. Do you see it more as lust, or can you see a future here?”
Turning toward me, head slightly tilted to the side, a pinch in his brow. “Just lust?” He shakes his head. “Rory, if this was onlylustto me, I would have fucked you a few times and then left. This isn’t just lust to me. This is so much more . . . more than you will ever understand, and that’s what terrifies me, because I don’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships, both with women and with family. I don’t want to fuck this up.” Turning toward me, he takes both my hands in his and looks me in the eyes. “But no matter how hard I try, I can’t stay away. I need you, Rory.”
“Stryder,” I bring his knuckles to my mouth where I place a gentle kiss, “you’re not going to screw this up. You just need to talk to me, and as long as you keep talking, then we’re going to be okay. But you can’t hide, you can’t spiral. You have to keep me in the loop with your feelings. Will you do that for me?”
He nods and scoops me onto his lap where he pushes my hair behind my ear. “This thing that’s happening between us, it’s so fucking important to me, Rory. I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to lose you.”
I lean in and place a soft kiss on his lips. “You won’t.”
“Because I don’t want anyone else, only you.”
“I only want you, Stryder.”
The sliding glass door opens and Ryan pops her head out. “Dinner is here, lovebirds.”
“Be right there,” I tell her, turning my attention back to Stryder. “Are you okay?”
He nods and wraps his arms around me, bringing me into a hug, strong and protective, what I’ve come to expect from Stryder. “I’m perfect.”
As I sit on his lap, his arms encasing me, his head buried in my neck, his back muscles shifting under my touch, I think about how much this man has changed since the day we found him in the bar. Unlike Colby, I could see in his eyes the desperation to please. The pleading to be loved. For someone,anyoneto care for him. Unlike Colby, Stryder is lost and finding his way. Unlike Colby, Stryder doesn’t seem to live and breathe the Air Force. He’d once been itching to get in the skies like Colby, but from what we’ve talked about, and how he’s loved working with the Special Olympic athletes, he wants something different. He’s finding his way outside of his family’s long-held and stringent expectations. He was measured against every Sheppard male before him and found lacking. So, so wrong. I can see a future with Stryder, a long one.Where he’ll willingly stay, because it’s his dream too.
I can relate to Stryder on a level I’m not sure many people can.
Taking my hand in his, he leads me through the sliding glass door and into the kitchen where Chad and Ryan are already serving up plates for themselves. Stryder loops his arm around my waist and pulls my back against his chest, his lips near my ear where he takes a few nibbles. I sigh into him.
I turn my head and keep my voice at a whisper when I say, “Kind of wish your bedroom wasn’t the living room right about now.” He bites down on my earlobe. “Scratch that. I wish we were at my place instead.” He chuckles in my ear, making goose bumps erupt all over my skin.
He places a kiss at the base of my neck and then moves past me, looking back for a second to send me a devastating wink. If torturing me is a technique he’s using to drive me crazy, it’s working.
“What are you guys doing tonight?” Ryan asks, biting down on an eggroll.
