Page 16 of The Downside of Love
“Hey bud, are you feeling better? I have my headphones in my purse, do you want to listen to some CCR?” He nods, still rocking but not as violently. “Okay, let me grab them.”
Keeping my thumb on his knee, continuing to rub his skin soothingly, I maneuver my purse down my shoulder and dig my hand through the contents easily connecting with my phone and the earphones. One-handed, I plug in the earphones, untangle them, and open up my Spotify app, going to Bryan’s list I have downloaded specifically for moments like this.
“Would you like me to put the earphones on for you?”
He nods.
Carefully, I remove my hand from his knee, hold my breath to see if he will regress but when he waits patiently, I quickly pick up the headphones and drape them over his ears, CCR already playing.
Letting out a long breath, I watch as Bryan starts to relax, his knees unfold, and his hands clutch onto my phone.He’s coming out of it.
I drop to my butt, cradle my head in my hand for a second to catch my breath. Sweat pools on my back, my adrenaline starting to fade. Christ.
Just another normal day for me.
Despite all of the stares, the whispers, the judgement, I still love my brother with everything in me. He brings me joy with his smile and his goofy personality. He might be difficult at times and he might put me in situations where all I want to do is crawl under a blanket and hide from the world, but he’s my big brother and I would do anything for him.
Anything.
I give him a few minutes before I attempt to get him off the ground. Thankfully, he follows with ease, head kept down as we make our way out of the store. The manager apologizes profusely as we walk away and because I’m more about teaching others about autism, I’m not a dick and blow him off. I educate him instead, hoping that in the future, he shows more compassion.
My parents will not be hearing about this. No way in hell. This will be my little secret with Bryan because I don’t want my parents to limit the alone time I have with him. I handled his meltdown and now we’re moving on.
I’ll be ordering pizza for dinner instead, might have been the smarter choice in the long run, but hey, I’m proud of us for trying. I’m proud of us for getting through that together.
This is why I’m here. For Bryan. I might have sacrificed a lot for him but I wouldn’t change my decisions. Bryan needs me, if anything, that was confirmed today.
* * *
“Hey Mom,” I say into the phone that’s pressed between my shoulder and cheek as I open the door to my apartment.
“Honey, how are you?”
“Doing all right.” I shut the door behind me, plop my mail on my bed, and set down my bag. Exhausted from a long day of classes and massage clients, I lay down next to the mail, body spread out, letting my muscles scream and yell at me for the overuse.
Working.
It’s what I’ve been doing to occupy my time. I’ve been picking up extra appointments and classes whenever I get a chance. I’m not desperate for the money, but Iamtrying to keep my mind off things.
It’s been about two months since I said goodbye to Colby, since I said goodbye to the possibility of a long-term relationship with him. I realized I wasn’t cut out for that if it meant years of separation. I wasn’t wrong when I told him I never should have pursued him. I should have left him alone. I had loved him. How could I not? He is an incredible man, valiant, a warrior who deserves to reach every dream he ever wanted. I hated the look of agony I saw in his eyes when I said that his future was filled with so much promise, but to stay with me, he'd only achieveaverage. It broke my heart when he thought it was about worth, that I didn't see worth in us.
No, because I loved him, I had to ensure he accomplished everything he had risen above so much to achieve.
I know I did the right thing. I have missed him . . . so much at times. It makes me wonder if part of the reason I loved him so much was because he needed me.Like Bryan. Like my parents.
I like to be needed. Was that why I couldn't bear to be separated? Because I couldn't love him and care for him daily, and to me, that wasn't enough?
Maybe. What I am convinced of though is that I acted selfishly when I pursued him knowing that he might be accepted into flight school and we’d be apart. Now? I'm proud of myself for setting him free, because I know that Colby is exactly where he needs to be, in the cockpit, flying among the clouds.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about him, crave him at times, it’s the reason I still keep busy, because I don’t ever want to have enough downtime to regret my actions.
It’s why I’ve picked up more responsibilities as a volunteer with Special Olympics. Always stay busy, that’s my motto.
“I’m exhausted. I had four massage clients and four workout classes, the first starting at five-thirty.”
“Rory, that seems like a lot. I don’t want you to make yourself sick. Too much could be hurtful to your health.”
Inwardly I roll my eyes. “My health is completely fine, Mom.”
