Page 30 of The Upside of Falling
I was enamored. I remember leaning over to Ryan and telling her I had to meet you. There was no doubt in my mind at that moment that I wanted to figure out who you were and why I had a strong urge to bury my body behind your protective shield, wrapped in your arms.
Unfortunately I didn’t get that opportunity, but the little stolen moments I had with you, catching the tiny lift of the corner of your mouth, that was enough for me at the time.
Now, I want more.
Give me more. Tell me something you wouldn’t normally tell anyone. Enlighten me so I understand why I’m bursting at the seams every time I’m around you. And now it feels the same with every word of yours I read.
Wildly in lust,
Rory
Dear Rory,
There is a common saying around here with the cadet wing: Act in spite of your fear.
Fear lives in every one of us, but how we experience that fear lies with us. Talking to my cadets over the years, their biggest fear is dying, but like the saying, in spite of their fear they continue on, they push forward. At some point, they decided to sacrifice themselves and protect our country by choosing to be an airman.
I don’t have a fear of death. It doesn’t physically exist inside me. Fear of death is something that’s never plagued me, never held me back, and to date, never even crossed my mind.
I’ve seen death firsthand. I’ve seen how it can take someone from this world and yet, that’s not what drains me. That’s not what churns my stomach late at night or causes anxiety.
Death will happen. No one can control that.
What I can control is the person I am, the person I will become.
I might not harbor the fear of death, but I do harbor a different fear, the kind of fear that causes me to wake in the middle of the night and break out in a cold sweat. It’s the kind of fear that’s consumed me, eaten me alive, torn me apart, and the reason I’ve tried so desperately to stay away from you. It’s why I can’t afford any distractions.
Throughout life, you run into people who either have a positive influence or a negative influence on who you become. It’s your job to decide whether you keep them at your side, or move on. Unfortunately, there are some negative people in your life that you can’t move on from, not until you’re free of their grasp. And you might never be.
I have someone so negative, so egocentric, in my life, that all he’s done since he met me was try to hold me back, try to tell me how worthless I am, how I will never amount to anything, that flying is a pipe dream I’ll never obtain.
My fear, the one that hollows out a hole in the pit of my stomach every time I think about it, is proving HIM right.
Your turn. Tell me something no one knows about you.
Colby
Dear Colby,
How do I respond to your letter appropriately? How do I come up with the perfect words to exemplify the feelings flowing through me? I can’t.
I can’t possibly tell you how touched I am that you shared such an intimate detail with me. I can’t tell you how much I itch to see you, to hug you, to hold you, to tell you that you won’t prove HIM right.
You are a man of drive and ambition. It vibrates off you. Just being near you, I know you are bound for great things. That fear you have? Don’t give in to it, because I know deep in my bones that you will be going places. You will achieve your dreams.
And it’s funny you talk about fear, because it’s the one thing that held me back from moving forward in my life. It’s what held me back from going to New York. Fear that something will happen to my brother and I won’t be here. Fear that when my parents need my help, I won’t be there to assist them. Fear of not being present. It tears away at me every day.
My brother is my world. He’s my best friend, and the guy who will always be a constant in my life. A lot of people see him as difficult, as strange, or different.
I don’t. I see him as perfect.
Bryan is autistic. And when people see a thirty-year-old man rocking back and forth in a restaurant because the music is too loud, when they see him physically harm himself because his anxiety is on high alert, they scoff, they talk, and they judge.
But they don’t know the beautiful human he is. The joyful spirit that lives inside of him, and the smallest smiles he gives when I walk in the room. He’s everything to me, and I put my life on hold for him. I fear the unknown of what might happen if I take a step away, if I’m not there to calm him down, if I’m too far away to comfort him.
I don’t ever want to give in to that fear. I don’t want him to ever feel like I abandoned him, because it feels like everyone else, beside my parents, has.
And that right there is a truth I’ve never spoken to anyone.
