Page 74 of The Upside of Falling
Until then, I love you, Rory.
Colby
Dear Colby,
Ugh.
It’s days like today when I wish I could climb into bed with you and cuddle into your side for hours, feeding off your strength and love.
Bryan had a meltdown today at the house. It was bad. Mom and Dad called me to come help calm him. And the worst part is they don’t even know what triggered it. Mom was in the kitchen, Dad was in the bathroom, and Bryan was watching TV when it happened. It could have been something he saw on TV or heard, who knows, but it was bad. He was hitting himself. He wound up giving himself a black eye.
I hate days like this, days where I feel helpless. I hate knowing that there are times I can’t help my brother. Days I can’t be there for him when he needs it.
I hate that he’s autistic.
I don’t think I’ve ever said that to anyone, and it’s because I don’t want it to be construed differently than how I’m trying to say it. What I mean is, I hate that Bryan can’t talk to me, that I can’t really hear his voice or understand what’s going through his beautiful mind, or take him somewhere by myself.
I hate that his life will always be different than what my parents envisioned for him, and I hate that theirjobas parents will never end. Unlike me, Bryan may never move out, and they will never take off their parenting hats.
I hate that he’ll most likely never know what it’s like to fall in love.
And I hate myself for saying that, but a part of me has to be realistic. I don’t think Bryan will ever have what we have, and that just about destroys me. Because what we share, Colby, the kind of compassion and admiration we have for each other? It’s beautiful and doesn’t come around very often.
I don’t mean to be such a downer, but I want you to know, that calling you my boyfriend is one of the best gifts I will ever receive. Thank you for loving me.
I love you.
Rory
Dear Rory,
I’ve been considering whether I should tell you this or not, but I think I need to make it known just to cover all my bases, make sure I don’t lose you.
Because I can’t lose you.
Here goes . . .
Gramps is obsessed with you. I just got off the phone with him, and all he could talk about was how beautiful and sweet and kind you are. You really did a number on him this past weekend. And honestly, I can’t disagree with him, because as usual, he’s right.
But I wanted you to know because he asked for your number. Yeah, my grandpa asked me for your number, and for some odd reason, I gave it to him. But when he chuckled and said he was taking you out on a date, I regretted my decision.
If he asks you out, spare me and say no.
Because you’re mine.
I love you.
Colby
Dear Colby,
I started teaching a new class at the gym. I’ve been asking to teach it for a while, but the instructor who was in charge of the class has seniority over me. I finally got my opportunity when she was sick. Now we split the class schedule because the gym members enjoyed it so much.
It’s Barre. Which is like Pilates and ballet mixed together for an amazing workout that tones rather than builds.
I don’t know if you remember—who am I kidding? You probably remember everything—but ballet was my passion, and I was supposed to go to New York with it. I occasionally take a class here and there at the local dance studio, but nothing too intense, nothing like I used to. I felt like I’d lost touch with that part of me, so when this opportunity came along, I snagged it.
It felt so right, teaching and instructing on the basics of ballet. Granted, it’s not like a normal class, but at least I wasn’t teaching a weightlifting class I have no interest in. This was different. This made me enjoy my job.
