Page 71 of The Upside of Falling
I so badly want to tell him I love him.
With everything in me, I want him to know that despite his mother’s neglect and his stepfather’s abuse, he’s a loveable and beautiful human. With a soul so devoted to doing the right thing, he’s irresistible to me. My heart beats wildly for him, seeking the rhythm of his love.
“I don’t want to hold you back from having fun. It’s just weekends, Rory.”
“I’m well aware of the time I’ll get with you. My question is, where is this all coming from?” Turning away, I force him to look me in the eyes. “Where, Colby?”
Releasing a heavy sigh, he places his hands on my hips and presses his forehead to my chest. “I get these fucked-up dreams sometimes, like my mind is merging my past with my present into an all-out nightmare that I can’t seem to shake the next day. They feel so real that I wake up in a cold sweat, my nerves a wreck, and my confidence shot.”
“Did you have one of these dreams last night?” He nods against me. I cradle his head and kiss the top. “What happened?”
He takes a moment to collect himself and lifts his head, his eyes distraught, haunted, his jaw tight like he’s about to break his teeth with one clench. “Ted was in it. He always is,” Colby says, his voice so low, it feels like an earthquake rumbling over my skin. “He was berating me in my old room, telling me how I’m wasting your time. How I’m a worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve someone as good as you, as beautiful and caring. He made it quite clear that you’re only with me out of pity.”
Oh my heart, this poor tortured man. Having to live with such demons on a recurrent basis, it burns me. Colby shouldn't measure himself against his stepdad's relentless and brutal lies. “Colby.” I lift his head and press a light kiss across his lips. “You know that’s not true, right?”
He doesn’t say anything. Instead, his eyes drift to the side in his inability to speak his truth.
“Look at me.” I force him to make eye contact. “Colby, it was a dream.”
“I know, but . . . it also stirred up some truth. We never really talked about it, Rory. Are you willing to wait for me? Are you willing to put up with my schedule?”
A few weeks ago, I don’t know what I would have said, but now, this deep into being with Colby, I have no doubt in my mind.
Without skipping a beat, I say, “Of course. There is no doubt in my mind because you’re worth it to me, Colby. I . . .” I pause and bite my bottom lip.
“You what?” He searches me, as if he’s on the edge of his seat waiting for me to answer.
Oh God. My stomach flips upside down, performing unwanted somersaults, pushing an unsteady feeling through me.
Casting my gaze down, I play with his sand T, but he doesn’t let me stare for long. He lifts my chin, looking for the truth, searching for those words I’m so terrified to say. What if he doesn’t feel the same way?
It’s so soon.
It’s too soon.
But it’s consuming me, begging, pleading,scratchingto be released.
My lungs feel full and heavy as my heart beats a mile a minute. There’s a light shake in my hands, and I’m trembling and nervous for what I’m about to do, what I’m about to say.
But when I look into his eyes, the same eyes I once thought mysterious and eerie, they soothe me. They’re the eyes of a man who I know will never hurt me, who will do anything for me . . . who might feel the same way I do.
Wanting to prove to him that he’s worth everything he believes he isn’t, I take a leap and grip on to him for strength. My pillar. My rock.
Lips trembling, voice shaky, I say, “I . . . I love you, Colby.”
The hand rubbing my back gently freezes.
The eyes that were staring intently at me widen.
His even breathing stops entirely.
And my heart falls to the pit of my stomach, as I see his face turn completely blank.
He doesn’t feel the same way.
Oh God, I’m going to cry.
This was a bad idea.
