Page 61 of Somewhere Only We Know
“I didn’t want to say goodbye to you,” I said.
A silence passed between us. Then Jack snorted. “Give me a break.”
I laughed. Always on the same wavelength. “I guess we’re both avoiding things, then?”
“I’m not avoiding anything,” he said defensively.
I raised an eyebrow. “Gap year?”
“Excuse me. I’m using this year to gain real-life experiences before I become a coddled college kid.”
“Givemea break,” I said, pushing him.
A family nearby looked over at us and I pulled the brim of my hat down.
Jack adjusted his position so that he was blocking me. Phew.
“Actually. I don’t think I’m going to college,” he said.
I startled. “Oh,” I said, not sure how to respond. “Why not?”
“I don’t think there’s any point,” he said, exhaling, as if he’d been holding in this information forever.
As a K-pop star who was barely getting a high school education, I couldn’t really say anything. But something nagged at me, regardless. “You’re too smart to think that.”
He made a face. “Only college students are smart, then?”
“No, of course not,” I said. “But I think that saying there’s no pointto going to college is one of those overly simplistic statements that people say.”
“Wow,” he said, straightening up and visibly annoyed. “Maybe I’m one of those simpletons.”
“That’s not what I’m saying!” The friction between us was not what I was hoping for on this sunset boat ride. I sighed and decided to start over. “Why do you think there’s no point?”
He was still tense, his hands tightly folded in his lap. “College is archaic. It’s no longer relevant to getting what you want in life. Look at people like—”
“Please don’t say Steve Jobs, ghost of Steve Jobs,” I said with a smile.
Despite being rudely interrupted, he grinned and went on. “Yeah, Steve Jobs. But also like, a billion other people out there. We’re all stuck in this mind-set of what’s normal and expected. And it’s kind of… unevolved.”
“Okay. But that comes from a place of luxury, you realize?” For so many people, college was an unachievable dream. For K-pop stars, college meant a potential end to your career, your relevance.
He sighed. “Of course this is coming from a place of luxury. I fully understand that. But part of this privilegeishaving other options? And I’d rather explore those. Life is short, Fern. Why waste time on something that’s not a sure thing?”
I stared out into the water, reflecting the fiery red sky now. The sun was low, dipping below the horizon, hazy from the smog but still gorgeous. Life was short; he was right. I felt like we were somehow having the same argument all day and I wasn’t sure how to break out of it.
“Nothing’s a sure thing, Jack.”
I thought being a K-pop star, the best K-pop star, meant something. I don’t know. Fulfillment, happiness. But not only was the goalpostalways moving, you found out that the stuff that made up your dreams could be dark, hard, and lonely. And if you complained, if you stopped, it was like you were quitting. And I wasn’t a quitter. My family hadn’t spent four years FaceTiming me on their birthdays and New Year’s so that I could give up.
I also knew thatThe Later Tonight Showwould be a turning point. If all went well, maybe I’d have more trips to the US. Nothing was ever promised, but I still hoped. I needed to hold out for a bit longer, and things could change.
He shrugged. “Maybe not a sure thing. But there are certain things that are patently true: Money gives you security and freedom. Life is easier with it. And there are much faster ways of making money than going to college.”
When you’re a K-pop star, you don’t make money right away. It’s a long process, where you have to earn back the money the company has spent on you, to make their investment worth it. But even after that, even after being at the top, you’re scrambling to stay there. “I think you’re putting too much faith in financial security,” I said.
Jack threw his head back and laughed. Hard. “Said nobody ever.”
I smiled even though this conversation made me kind of sad. Jack, with all his confidence and intelligence, was afraid to go after something he cared about. Holding on to his cynicism like a lifeboat.
