Page 102 of Twelve Steps to Normal

“Hey,” I say, surprised.

He’s wearing a pair of black basketball shorts and a red Cedarville T-shirt. He’s sweaty, as if he just got back from playing ball.

“Sorry.” Jay suddenly looks embarrassed for being here. “I tried texting you.”

“My phone’s charging upstairs,” is the only thing I can think to say.

“Oh. Right.” He shakes his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to just show up.”

I blink at him. Once. Twice. This is weird. I mean, at lunch Jay practically acts like I don’t exist. It’s not supposed to be like this. Him, showing up here, like he did when we were dating. It feels like a betrayal to Whitney.

“So, uh,” I start, “is everything okay?”

“Not really.” He looks at his Nikes. Then back at me. “Whitney broke up with me.”

I feel my eyes widen. That’s not what I expected to hear, let alone from Jay. If anyone, I would have heard it from Whitney first.

My stomach tightens. Well, I would have if our friendship was like before.

“Did she say why?”

“She didn’t think I was that into it. Which, I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t.”

I want to tell him she’s probably insecure over the fact that he openly flirts with every female in his vicinity, but I don’t. It’s not my place.

“She says she doesn’t want things to be awkward. You know, like at lunch. But I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I feel like it will.”

“It can’t be more awkward than eating lunch with you both after I discovered you were together.”

I don’t mean to blurt it out, but there it is. We lock eyes for half a second before bursting out laughing.

“Man,” he says. “I’m sorry. That was kind of shitty.”

“Kind of?”I throw him a grin. “What about when you hit on me at Sonic?”

His ears go red, and he has the moral conscience to look apologetic. “Thatwasshitty.”

“Well, it’s all in the past,” I find myself saying. “I mean, we weren’t that great for each other, were we?”

He’s quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I guess. I felt like you never let me all the way in. You were private about a lot of things, and I get that. But I told you over and over that I’d be there if you needed me, and I always felt like you were pushing me away. Or just pretending things were okay when they weren’t.” He looks directly at me. “But I could have tried harder, too. There were a lot of times I could have reached out and didn’t.”

A mix of emotions sink in my chest. I knew I treated him that way, but I’ve never heard him admit it out loud. When it came to discussing the hard things, Alex was the person I was comfortable confiding in, and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I wanted to pretend I was living a normal life.”

Jay laughs in surprise, but from his expression I can tell it’s not mean-spirited.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, curious.

“I mean, it’s just that nobody’s life is ever really normal, you know?”

I nod. It’s true. I’ve been judging things for how I wanted them to be, not how they actually were.

I take a deep breath. “Sometimes I feel like… like I don’t know who I am,” I admit. “But… I know who I want to be. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Jay says. “It does.”

Before I can say anything else, the door swings open from behind me. Wallis comes bounding outside and nearly knocks Jay over. Saylor rushes out and grabs him by the collar.