Page 95 of Even After This
“I love you.” My face burns and tears sting my nose. “But I need you to let go of me. You have sacrificially cared for me, but you are now overstepping your bounds. I need you to let me find my own way.”
Her head rears back at my verbal slap.
“And you need to find your own way too,” I add. When she starts to respond, I shake my head. Holding up a hand, I walk past her. “Claire’s coming by soon to drop something off. Can you please answer the door?”
Not waiting for her reply, I step onto the back porch.
Harlan stands with legs slightly apart, one hand splayed on his hip, his head lowered as he stares at the phone in his other hand.
I gulp. “Everything all right?”
Face unreadable, he nods. “So.” He shifts his gaze to me and waits a beat. “Let’s start with the basics. Are you still falling in love with me?”
My head jerks back in surprise, and I blink. “Well. Yes.”
His eyes darken. “I’m definitely still falling in love with you. Will you please spend Christmas with my family and me?”
“What about Olivia? I can’t be something that causes you custody issues.”
He gives me a curt shake of his head. “She doesn’t get to be in this relationship, Meredith. I’m not worried about her. Penelope will contact my lawyer, and he’ll be ready for any of her moves.”
My shoulders slump. That’s still not ideal.
“Which is why you’re going to have to trust me on this one.” He steps closer. “So what about spending the holidays with me in Colorado?”
I know I can trust Harlan. It’s Olivia who gives me pause.
My cheeks fill with air as I blow out a long exhale. The transition from discussing Olivia to visiting him in Colorado is not an easy one. But it’s time to talk about the realities of December grief.
“Christmas can get a little tough. I love the idea of spending the holidays with your family, but I can’t risk a full-blown meltdown as their first impression of me.”
He reaches out, pulls me to him, and wraps his arms around my waist. “I will respect whatever you want to do, but let me explain a few things first?”
Am I supposed to be able to concentrate with his hold around me like this? Still, I nod.
“The ranch has four separate houses spread out across the acreage. You’ll stay in an entire house to yourself, fully stocked with Meredith-esque items of comfort, but also with total privacy.”
I pull at a lock of hair and wrap it around my finger.
“I’ve thought about this, Meredith. I know it won’t be all reindeer and mistletoe. If you want to share the hard part with me, I’ll be there.” He shrugs. “If you want to lock the door, I’ll wait for you to come out. In the in-between times, you can see my life.” He rests his cheek on mine and says close to my ear, “And if you need to go home in the middle of your stay, there’s freedom to make that choice.”
For the past four years, my family has set up a way for me to hibernate during the holidays. They’d stock me up with food and leave me alone while they protected me from the outside world. I sat frozen in the shelter of my cave, waiting for some of the roughest days of the year to pass. In the beginning, I needed those tough days to passoverme. But staring at Harlan, I understand that if I say no, this holiday will passbyme.
The subtle difference is powerful.
He doesn’t shield me from the pain. But he continues to assure me he’s available to see me through some of it.
I don’t blame my family for the way they’ve loved me. However, I’m growing through something I can’t define.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s time to let go of them a bit and see what happens. Maybe that’s why I went to Colorado in the first place.
I study each line on Harlan’s face, and I hope visiting his home will reveal their stories. I take a breath. “Will the house be stocked with Oreos? The ones covered in white chocolate only come at Christmastime.”
A blinding smile spreads across his face. “I think I can handle that.”
“No, ask Penelope to handle the cookies. These only come around once a year, and if you buy the wrong kind, it could get ugly.”
His eyes narrow with mock earnestness. “Yeah, that does sound more like a Penelope thing.” He cups a hand to my cheek. “So, does this mean you’ll come?”
