Page 120 of Even After This
“Because even after this, even after all of the loss...” I circle the black tie around the portfolio, stare down, and caress the frayed edges. “What’s left over is still my love for them.”
29
Dawn should be hopeful.A sign of possibility in an uncharted day. But this morning, the clouded sun brings hazy prospects.
Last night, sleep was plagued with spiraling questions.What’s wrong with me?Why can’t I just give him children? Am Ithat selfish? Why can’t I be happy with what’s in front of me?
I have limits. My heart simply cannot get there.
Which is why I must leave.
Harlan knocks before he lets himself into the house. While he wipes his feet on the doormat, he catches sight of my luggage. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans, slumps his shoulders, and closes his red-rimmed eyes. After a sigh, his pained gaze finds mine. Without a word, he approaches me and pulls me into his arms.
Neither of us says anything. The embrace feels loaded. Heavy with sadness.
“I need you to know something.” His whisper breaks with anguish. “I am so in love with you, and I want a life with you.”
“Me too.” Tears flow as I burrow into him. “I’m so sorry, Harlan.”
Pulling me back, he cradles my face, wiping away moisture. “Why in the world would you apologize?”
“Because I want to give you everything. And I can’t.” I force the last words out with a sob and return my head to his strong chest.
He moves his hand along my back in soothing strokes. “This is my fault.”
My scoff is muffled. “Because you want more children? I would call that normal.” I pull out of his hold and walk behind the kitchen island.
As he surveys the room, he throws a hand out to my luggage. “When do you leave?”
“Soon.” I rummage through my purse. “Here. Will you please deliver these to your mom and your brother?” Holding out sealed envelopes, I avoid eye contact. “I canceled my appointment with Prissy and am on the next flight out of Colorado Springs.”
His fingers graze mine as I pass the cards for his family to him. “You can’t let go of Twelve Bluebells Ranch, Meredith. You lit up yesterday explaining your vision.”
I imagine my effort to smile is as grim as I feel.
“I wish you’d reconsider talking to Prissy.” He shakes his head. “But I’ll take you to the airport.”
I trudge to the pantry and stop to look at him. “Don’t make me say goodbye to you in public. This is hard enough as it is.”
Thumbs hooked through his belt loops, he blows out a loud exhale. “I’ll ask William if he can drive you.”
After I grab the leftover boxes of white chocolate–covered Oreos, I turn. “I’m covered. I caught Hank working the grounds this morning and asked him for a ride.” I put the packages on the counter next to him.
The wrapper crinkles when he traces a finger down the side. “How’d that go?”
Walking to the bedroom, I call back, “He said, ‘You want me to tan your hide?’”
Harlan chuckles half-heartedly.
When I return to the kitchen, I place the blue Post-it pad and pencil beside the other items.
He rubs his day-old whiskers. “I’m not even sure not having kids is a deal-breaker. It just blindsided me.” Distress covers his face, and his words are a plea. “I thought we were going in one direction, and I assumed we were on the same page. I need some time. Can you give that to me?”
My knotted stomach clenches, but I don’t have words to respond.
His eyes mist as he stares at the items on the island. “I need more time,” he whispers.
“Your heart’s desires won’t change with more time,” I say gently and place my hand over his. “And that’s okay.”
