Page 45 of Silver Edge
Once I calmed my apocalyptic pulse to a dull storm, I pulled my jeans off and placed one knee on the bed, then the other. Still, Drake kept his attention on his phone. He flipped through different screens but didn’t appear to be engaged in anything important.
A knot took hold in my low back and I realized how tense I was. Taking a breath, I leaned back and rubbed the tightness away. I inched a little closer to the middle of the bed and crawled under the covers. The sheets smelled fresh, not what I expected from a self-proclaimed stud. The fabric slid across my legs like satin, with none of those icky pulls or knots in them that scratched at my skin.
He placed the phone down on the nightstand. “You okay so far?”
The stitching in the top of the sheet drew my attention and I ran my finger along the bumps, managing to find the word as if it were hidden somewhere in the thread. “Yes.”
“You sure? Right now, you look like you’re going to take my sheets apart one stitch at a time.”
I pressed my lips together and released the cover to below my waist. “I’m okay.”
He didn’t close the space between us. Instead, he remained still. “How did your mother cuddle with you?”
“At first, I’d roll into a ball, and she’d wrap her arms around me, careful not to touch my sensitive points. I’ve managed to work through some of those. The back of my neck is the worst still, sometimes my wrist, especially my left one.” I traced the X on my right wrist. “Maybe the tattoo experience deadened the nerves on this one.”
“I noticed the girl at the coffee shop had a similar tattoo. Why exactly do you mark yourselves with an X?” Drake asked.
I flashed back to the day I received mine. Ton had taken me to a local place. His words sounded again in my head and I recited them for Drake. “To symbolize our choice. Being Straight Edge isn’t a decision to be taken lightly. It’s serious. No one should choose this life if they don’t know they can handle it.”
Drake scooted a smidgen toward me and the bed dipped, causing me to lean into him. Our shoulders rested against each other. “You mean the commitment to be straight. No drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sex.”
“Yes. It’s somehow deeper than that for most of us, though. We all have our reasons for making this choice. For me, I was clean when my friend, Ton, took me for my ink. I’d found a community that accepted me, even if they didn’t understand me. It was the first place I’d ever belonged. I thought for months about the decision before I told Ton that I wanted to commit. Something inside me knew just saying I’d stop self-medicating wasn’t going to be enough. All the sounds, smells, and other stuff in the world is sometimes torture. It’s so easy to smoke or pop a pill to numb myself, but it never got me anywhere. And as far as sex goes, well, I think it kind of had the same effect on me. When I get really stressed out, it all builds up inside and I need to let it out. Sex does that for me.”
“I can understand that. This Ton, is he a good guy?” Drake lifted his arm and rested it atop the pillow behind my head. His movement distracted me, but after a second, I remembered he’d asked me about Ton.
“Yes, a really good guy. Overprotective, judgmental, and cross, but a good guy.”
“Did you two ever…?” Drake fidgeted with the sheet this time.
“What?”
“Have sex?”
I laughed. “Oh, no. Not that I didn’t try once or twice. But his commitment to Straight Edge is epic. He wasn’t about to have sex with me. I think he cares about me. For a while, I thought maybe he wanted more from me, but now I know he cares for me like a baby sister.”
Drake rubbed my fingers between his as if studying every line. “If he was so great, and the Community accepted you, why’d you come to Atlanta?”
I took a long moment to think about it. “I’m not positive. I’ve been asking myself that for a while, but I think it’s because I wanted to prove to myself I could make it on my own. Anytime I even thought about slipping, Ton was by my side. Actually, Ton wasalwaysby my side. I’d reached as far as I could with his constant watchful big-brother routine. I knew that I’d stay straight with him by my side, but I wasn’t sure I’d remain straight outside the Community and away from Ton.” I shrugged. “It sounds crazy.”
Drake traced the X with his thumb. “No, it doesn’t. It makes total sense. I promise I won’t smother you, but I will confess I’m relieved you’re here with me instead of back at that warehouse alone.”
“Me, too. This bed’s much more comfortable.”
Drake squeezed my fingers then released them. “Okay, your shoulder is no longer as high as your ear. I think it’s time for us to try this. Turn over. Roll into a ball, or however you feel most comfortable, and I’ll hold you. I won’t move, or touch you other than holding you, okay?”
I didn’t move. “What if—”
“Don’t think, just do it. If it doesn’t work, we’ll try something else.” Drake removed his arm from behind me and I tugged the pillow down under my head. With my knees pulled into my chest and my arms crossed in front of me, I took three long breaths. My shoulders slowly lowered, but my toes remained curled tight, as did my fingers.
“Okay, I’m ready.”
The vent clanked overhead again, indicating the heat turned on. Although, at this moment I wished we were lying outside in the cold since I was starting to glisten with sweat.
Drake maneuvered down into the bed behind me, not once touching me. “I’m going to get closer now.” His front pressed to my back and one arm went over me, his hands cupping my clenched fists. The familiar rain-scented shampoo mixed with the fresh sheets, and I inhaled it like a sensory shield, concentrating on that instead of his touch. After a few minutes, my mind drifted back to his arm on top of me. It felt nice, comforting. My fists released and his fingers entwined with mine.
“You all right?” he whispered, his warm breath caressing my cheek.
“Yes.” I concentrated on uncurling my toes, but they were more reluctant. Eventually, after he remained perfectly still, my feet relaxed and the warmth of his body made my eyes heavy. It had been so long since I’d been warm at night. Combine that with the exhaustion from beating the crazies inside my head and body away and I quickly drifted into another world. I only heard the sound of his breath and the clanking of the vent. He mumbled something about feeling perfect or a perfect body. I wasn’t sure, but I agreed.
