Page 45 of Eleanor & Grey
“Can you walk me to the water?” I hesitated for a minute and looked back toward the house where Dad had headed. I was positive she wasn’t strong enough to make it to the shore on her own. She’d been so weak lately, yet she placed a hand on my forearm. “It’s OK. I know you got me.”
So I bent down and took off her slippers and socks, and then I removed my shoes and socks too. I took her hands in mine and, slowly but surely, walked her to the edge of the water. It was freezing that afternoon. The water was chilled beyond words, and we both squeaked as it touched our toes and rose to our ankles.
We laughed too.
I’d never forget that, hearing Mom’s laughter.
At one point, she asked me to let her go, and she stood where her feet met the ocean. Her eyes shut, and she held her hands up in the air, her arms forming aV, and tears rolled down her cheeks as the setting sun kissed her face. “Yes, yes, yes,” she cried, feeling every part of the world around her, seeming to feelmore alive than she had in quite some time. Then she reached out to me, and I took her hand in mine. She leaned on me, and I was strong enough to hold her up on my own. We stared out into the night, finding a new kind of comfort.
She was OK in that moment.
She was happy.
And I swore, for a short period of time, the water healed her soul.
* * *
Two days later, Mom took her last breath.
Dad held her right hand, and I held her left.
The clock in the bedroom ticked, but time stood still.
I thought there would be some kind of comfort that came from knowing she was no longer in pain. I thought since we had seen it coming, it wouldn’t hurt as much. I thought I would be somewhat OK.
But I wasn’t.
Every single part of me ached.
Nothing can prepare a person for death.
You can’t speed past the hurt to reach the closure.
You are simply overtaken by sorrow. Grief shows its face, and it unforgivingly drowns you, and for a while, you wonder if staying under the water would be better than ever breathing again.
When my mother took her last breath, I wanted to take my last one right there beside her, but I knew that wasn’t what she had wanted. She wanted me to emerge from the darkness, to swim again.
And I would.
Just not that night.
That night, heartbreak won the battle as I steadily fell apart.
16Greyson
FROM: [email protected]
DATE: May1, 4:33 PM
SUBJECT: Sorry
I ran into Shay at school today, and she told me about your mom. She said she and her mom were heading down to Florida to help your dad and you out.
I’m sorry, Ellie. I’m so damn sorry, and I know that doesn’t do anything or change anything, but I just wanted you to know. There’s not a day that passes that I don’t think about you guys, about you. I just wish there were something more I could do.
I remember when my grandpa died, I just sat around, uncertain of what to do. I’d never lost anyone before, and it fucked me up for a good minute. People told me to pull myself together and man up about it. “Death happens, kid. Better get used to it,” my uncle Tommy said. “Real men don’t cry,” my dad echoed.
