Page 144 of Eleanor & Grey
“It should’ve never been this bad! And look at you... Dad... have you been taking your medicine?”
He grimaced. “I’m fine, Eleanor. I don’t need you coming down here and belittling me because of my choices.”
“I’m not trying to belittle you, Dad. I’m honestly just worried. This isn’t healthy, and you look weaker than the last time I saw you. I just want to help you.”
Now his embarrassment was shifting to anger. “I didn’t ask for your help! I don’t need your help. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. You’re broken, and you have been for years now.”
“See? This is why I don’t like to visit. This is why us living together didn’t work out. You always end up pointing out my flaws.”
“Dad, that’s not what I’m doing! I’m just saying, I’m worried.”
“Yeah well, stop worrying. I don’t need your pity.”
“It’s not pity; it’s love. I love you, Dad, and I want you to be the best you can be.”
He didn’t say I love you too.
That always stung.
He lowered his head and scratched the back of his neck. He didn’t look at me very often, and I was almost certain it was because I looked like Mom. Maybe it was too hard for him to face me. Maybe it made his hurts hurt a little too deeply.
“Maybe it’s best that you don’t stay here. I’m not in a good place right now, and I just don’t want you to have to feel bad for who I am, all right? Maybe it’s best if you head out, Eleanor.”
He dismissed me.
Without even looking my way.
He pushed me away and told me to go, and that was all there was to it.
The whole flight back to Illinois, I cried. I sobbed for him out of fear. Out of worry. Out of heartbreak. And then I prayedto Mom to look after him, because I was certain there was nothing I could do to make him come back to me.
* * *
When I returned to Illinois, I began my search for a new job. I was picking up the pieces of my broken heart and teaching them to beat on their own again.
Every now and then I thought of both my father and Greyson. I thought about their hearts, and I hoped they were still beating on their own too. I did the only thing I could truly do for the both of them due to the muddy waters we were all floating through: I loved them from a distance.
56Greyson
I missed her. I missed Eleanor every single day since she’d left, but I did my best to keep moving along for my girls. They were my main focus, and until everything was right with them, I couldn’t think of anything or anyone else. Eleanor often raced freely through my mind, and I allowed it to happen. Truthfully, thinking about her made some days easier.
When December came around, it was our second Christmas without Nicole. Holidays were still so hard for us all to face, but the girls and I were facing it together. That Christmas morning, the grass was frosted, and the temperature was beyond chilled. I tossed on my winter jacket, gathered some blankets from the back closet, and headed to the living room, where Lorelai and Karla both were sitting.
They both looked up at me with confusion in their stares.
“Where are you going?” Karla asked.
“I thought we could go visit your mom to wish her a Merry Christmas,” I told them. “Want to go grab your coats?”
They went off to do as I said, and we drove in silence to the cemetery. As we pulled in, I noticed others visiting their loved ones on the special day, sharing stories and memories.
The girls and I walked to their mother’s gravestone, and we laid the blankets down on the ground before sitting next to one another and squeezing close to keep warm.
We were quiet at first, just staring and reflecting.
“This is where I came,” Karla whispered, staring at thetombstone. “When I was skipping school, I’d come here to be with her,” she finally confessed. “It’s where I felt the most OK—when I was around Mom. It felt like she always had something to tell me, but I couldn’t hear her. I couldn’t figure it out.”
