Page 44 of The Ring
“I feel like I should.” He’s in front of me, sad, and I’m the person responsible for it. It’s hard not to feel guilty.
He gives me a little smile, but I know it’s forced. “It’s not your fault; you don’t choose who you love.”
It’s one of the biggest truths in life, something that’s been haunting me lately. How easy it would be if I could will myself to love Nate, or anyone who isn’t TJ. But I can’t. I’m still completely and utterly in love with TJ, even after everything.
It reminds me of something TJ used to say. He used to say that if I were an animal, I’d be a swan—elegant, regal, otherworldly. That’s how he describes them. I used to think he was right and wore it like a badge of honour, but not for the same reason. I did because swans are known to mate for life. They only have one partner. One love of their life.
I’m worried that is my case too and… I don’t want it to be.
I don’t want to be a swan anymore.
I look at Nate with teary eyes. “Please don’t hate me.”
I’ve already lost TJ; I couldn’t bear losing him, too.
He gently wipes a tear from my cheek. “I could never, even if I tried.”
I smile at him. He leans closer and kisses me. But there’s something different about this kiss—unlike the others, this one has a sense of finality.
“Sorry,” he says. “I had to… one last time.”
He kisses me again, this time on the forehead, then turns around and walks away.
Chapter 23
TJ
She pulls my T-shirt off and throws it to the floor. She tries to move on top of me in bed, but I don’t let her. I didn’t use to mind not always being on top, but now I—I can’t seem to have sex any other way. Being under someone now feels… suffocating. She gives in to being under me and starts kissing my neck. I close my eyes, letting myself drift into a fantasy of being with the person I truly want.
“Cornelia,” I murmur, without even realising it.
Suddenly, she stops.
“What did you just call me?” she asks, irritated.
I open my eyes to see a girl who’s clearly not Cornelia looking furious.
“Nothing,” I say, trying to play dumb, and lean in to kiss her.
She rolls her eyes and pushes me off her. I move aside as she slips out of my bed and begins gathering her clothes from the floor.
“Hey, don’t go,” I tell her from the bed.
I don’t really mind if she leaves, but I need someone to helpme get my mind off Cornelia and whatever might have happened with Nate. And I’m not in the mood to head out again to find another girl.
She slips into her grey blouse, finishing getting dressed before turning to me. “Why should I?”
“Because we were having fun.” Not really, to be honest. And now that I’m taking a closer look, she doesn’t resemble Cornelia that much. The only similarities are her height and the colour of her hair, and even that isn’t quite the same shade. I have accepted that no girl will ever have the kind of beauty and perfection Cornelia possesses. Luckily, I have a good imagination.
“You just called me by another girl’s name,” she says, livid.
“I didn’t,” I lie.
“Okay, fine, what’s my name?” she challenges me, crossing her arms over her chest.
Fuck, she really got me with that one. I’m pretty sure it starts with an M…
Mariam?
