Page 80 of Fundamentals of Being a Good Girl
She does, and I creatively direct the greatest photo shoot of all time right there in the middle of Tombaugh Avenue.
“Okay, now make kissy faces!” And because I am nothing if not committed, I make a kissy face right along with them like the good stage mom I am.
12:19 A.M.
“Thanks for coming to the bathroom with me,” I tell Junie. “I usually read on my phone when I pee, but I left it at home, so I really needed company.”
She sits on the counter of the single restroom, her legs swinging, and doesn’t even blink at the sight of me hovering over the suspiciously grimy toilet. “Boys pee standing next to each other every day. Why is it weird if I want to come into the bathroom with my friend and talk to her while she pees?”
“Exactly. They literally shake the pee off their dicks together and it’s weird if you hang out while I take a little tinkle?”
“We need to reclaim the act of social peeing!” Junie says, her little fist curled and ready for rebellion. “Right after we finish reclaiming Halloween. When you close your eyes, do you see little dots? Do you think I’m having a stroke?”
I wipe and then do the stand/flush/hand wash dance. “I think you’re just drunk, but if you still see the dots tomorrow, we can call Dr. Meredith Grey.”
Someone pounds on the door, and we both jump.
“Wait your fucking turn!” Junie yells, and immediately slaps a hand over her mouth.
“That was so hot,” I tell her. “We should stay in here for another few minutes and take some mirror selfies just to teach them a lesson.”
Junie hands over her phone and hops down off the counter. I really shouldn’t have left my phone at home, but here we are.
We pose a few times and I twirl around and stick my ass out a little so that it peeks out from under my skirt before snapping a mirror selfie over my shoulder.
“Now,that’sa good one,” I mutter, and immediately open Junie’s text messages and type out Bram’s phone number, which I memorized in case there were any emergencies with the girls. Because I! Am! So! Responsible!
After attaching the photo, I hit Send and pass it back to Junie.
When we leave the bathroom, some dumbass bro dressed as a cactus with giant balls snarls at us. “Fucking bitches.”
I turn to the boy and step closer and closer to him until his back is pressed against the door. I sniff at the air, because I can smell his fear.
He quickly moves from annoyed to concerned as I square up to him.
And then I bare my teeth and growl before letting out a rumbling bark as I snap my teeth.
Behind me, Junie laughs and begins to bark as well.
A few other girls waiting in line join in, and before I know it, half of the women’s lacrosse team all dressed as crayons are buying us shots.
“To slutty Velma!” Junie shouts, and the lacrosse team echoes.
1:31 A.M.
Junie and I sit on the curb outside a bar called The Library that she is very charmed by. We paraded around the place while Junie announced that she was indeed a librarian and we were treated to many shots.Toomany shots.
“What if we die?” Junie asks. “What if our bodies are so full of alcohol that the little people inside of us who operate our bodies drown and die?”
My head lolls to the side as it rests on Junie’s shoulder. It is cold. Very, very cold. And I refuse to ever admit that to Bram. “The little people inside of us?”
“When I was a kid, I always imagined little versions of myself inside of me, clocking in for work, and pumping blood like a water pump and carrying food down into my intestines via—what’s it called when a bunch of people work in a line to assemble something?”
“An assembly line?”
She kisses the top of my head. “How did I get so lucky to have such a pretty and smart friend?”
“No,” I shout back at her, “you’re the pretty and smart one. I am very stupid and a huge mess.”
