Page 58 of Badd Love
"Oh, I do, no doubt about that at all. He just gets so pathetically, hysterically stupid and grateful. It makes me laugh. But it’s not that. It's literally when I hit the third trimester mark that my libido got hit by an afterburner. I want his dick all the time."
"Lucky man."
"Lucky me," she countered. "He went out at three in the morning looking for Skittles and Frito-Lay corn chips because I got a craving. He rubs my feet whenever I ask. He doesn't bat an eye when my mood swings like goddamned Tarzan. He didn't ask a single question when I told him to put my pillow in the freezer."
I coughed, choking on a laugh as I took a drink. "I'm sorry,what?”
"I get hot, okay? Really, really, really fucking hot, especially at night. Our suite at the resort had a full fridge, so he got me an extra pillow and put it in the freezer. Then, when I got hot in the middle of the night, he went and got it and put the other one in. Boom, cold pillow."
"Never having a baby," I muttered. "Turns you into a fucking lunatic."
"Legit, it does," She agreed. "I find myself doing and saying things, and I'm like, is that me? Whatthe fuckam I saying? But then you get a craving, and you just…there's no ignoring it. It's a kind of madness, I tell you. And the sex drive! Oh mygod. I'm worried I'm gonna deplete him or something. Like, burnout from too much fucking—this trimester, at least. I couldn’t eventouchhim until the second trimester, the poor guy. And we're not gonna talk about the pee situation."
"Pee situation?"
"Every ten minutes, all day, all night. More frequently if he or she starts dancing on my bladder."
"You don’t know the gender?"
"We decided we don't want to know. When we have our baby shower, we're asking for gender-neutral gifts."
"Why wouldn't you want to know?" I asked.
She shrugged. "The baby was a surprise, obviously, so we figured what the hell, might as well keep the surprise theme going." She eyed me. "You know, the apartment over the bar where we're gonna be living has several bedrooms. We'll need one for a nursery, but I feel like you could have the other one. I'd have to clear it with Dunc, of course, but wouldn't it be fun to live together again?"
“You, your husband, your baby, and me, huh?"
"And Dane…?"
"Rune, no. I can't even handle the idea of having feelings for him. We are so far away from joking about living together, it's not even funny."
"Who's joking?"
"Did you hearnothingI said?"
"Yeah, I heard you." She shrugged. "I just think you're fighting a losing battle. He told you he loves you, Linz. He's a good guy. He's perfect for you. He won't bat an eye at your craziness. If anything, your individual brands of crazy complement each other."
"You are spectacularly unhelpful."
"What, you thought I'd think you're being rational about this?"
I stared at her. "Of course I'm not being fuckingrational. You think Iwantto be like this?" I rapped on my temple as if knocking on a door. "I feel as fucking nuts as I must seem. IknowDane is a good guy. He’s sweet, he's funny, he's sexy, he gives fuckingincredibledick, goes down like a pro, and isn't scared of how kooky I am. He's patient. He's understanding."
“You're not making a great case for having kicked him out of your life, Linz."
"Iknow,” I groaned. "I don'thavea good case for it. It's stupid—I'mstupid. I just can't seem to…" I shook my head. "I'm too scared. Too messed up."
"What's the worst that could happen if you were to try and be with him? Like for real."
"He would discover that I'm impossible to love. I'd be unable to ever enjoy a normal sexual relationship with him because of what happened. It'd last all of a month before I did what I always do and sabotage the whole thing before he had a chance to break my heart."
Rune leaned her head on my shoulder. "You do realize that's fear talking, right? That's not reality. None of that is a given."
My heart twisted, coiled, flipped on itself. "I recognize that intellectually, Rune, but convincing myself of it is a whole different thing, and I am nowhere even close to that." I stood up. "If there was a quick fix for what's wrong with me, I'd take it. But there's not. I don't know if thereisa fix."
"What if the fix is what you're afraid of?"
"You can askwhat ifall day long, Rune. No amount of logic is gonna change anything. I wish it would. I really, really do. And now, if you please, I'm hot, hungry, and tired of talking about this. I'm tired of fresh air and sunshine. I want to go back to being a cranky recluse."
