Page 35 of Badd Love
"I am."
"About what?"
"Everything."
“Start with one thing. Maybe I can help clarify things.”
"Not fucking likely."
"Try me."
"No."
“You're so goddamned stubborn, you know that?" He sighed, and his hands roamed soothing circles around my shoulders, back, hips, buttocks, and thighs. His touch was tender and affectionate.
My soul strained toward his; my heart tried to open.
Alas, my heart was atrophied and shriveled and black, and my soul was locked away in a lightless, airless box—safe from trauma, perhaps, but from everything else as well.
"Why won't you ask?"
He sighed again. "Because you have to choose to tell me. I realized at some point that demanding answers was cruel and unfair and wrong. I want you totrustme. I want you to know that you're safe with me." He gripped a fistful of my hair and gently yet firmly tugged my head back so I had to look up at him, had to meet his gaze; my eyes were blurred with tears I refused to let spill over, so all I could see of him was a wavering, ghostly outline. "I know something awful happened to you, Lindsey. I don't know what and I don't know when, and I don't need to know, right now. It's enough to know that there's something that I don't think has anything to do with me that's got you fucked up about a lot of things."
"I'm fucked up about everything," I murmured.
"But sex and intimacy especially. I don't know if going down on me triggered it or if it was something else, but it's got something to do with sex."
“Yes," I whispered. "I can tell you that much, at least."
“What we did just now, did that trigger you?"
"No."
"So this is different than what happened that night?"
"Yes."
"But related."
"Yes."
There was a long silence. "I just want to be there for you, Lindsey."
"Iknow, goddammit," I hissed. "I fuckingknow. I just don't know how to let you."
He let out a frustrated rumble. "I'm sorry, Linz. I shouldn't have let that happen. I should've…I dunno. I feel like I pushed you into something you didn't want to do, and I'm sorry."
My heart clenched at how distraught he sounded. It pulled me out of the miasma of self-pity and panic, a little. I twisted so I was lying on his lap, staring up at him. "No," I whispered. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."
“I was only thinking about myself," he muttered. "Thinking with my dick. I pressured you into doing things, and now you're panicking."
I dug my fingers into his chest. "No, Dane.No. That's not what happened, I swear.” I looked up at him, summoning enough strength to sit up on his lap, straddling him, facing him. "It was just as much as me thinking with my pussy."
He shook his head. "It's okay to put the blame on me, where it belongs."
"Goddammit, Dane, you're not listening to me." I cupped his face in both hands. "Iwantyou. I'vealwayswanted you. I was fighting the urge to jump you all damn night. And when I saw that gorgeous dick of yours all hard and begging for me to play with it, I couldn’t stop myself. I tried. I thought maybe we could just mutually masturbate."
"Until I lost control."
