Page 23 of Badd Love
I snickered sarcastically. "Uh, yeah."
"How so?"
"Again, you really want to know?"
"Again, yeah."
“Okay, well, to answer your second question first, a vibrator is a dildo that vibrates—it’s a fake penis that jiggles really fast, more or less. It goes inside my vagina and feels good when it goes buzz buzz. Sort of like sex, but not exactly." I held up the stimulator. "This is a clitoral stimulator. It uses suction, basically, to stimulate the clit. Thus the name. It feels more like having someone go down on you, but not as wet. And honestly, not quite as good, if you compare it to a guy who knows what he's doing."
Dane didn't have to say anything, but I could tell he was thinking the same thing as me: that I knew, and he knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew that he very, very,verymuch knew what he was doing.
I think I confused myself with that one.
Point is, I took one look at him, and the only thing I could think of was the screaming, quivering, jelly-legs orgasms he gave me with his mouth: stellar. Ten out of ten, would recommend.
If only there wasn't such a fraught, emotional freight train of baggage between us; if only I wasn't such a disaster; if only I was capable of the slightest, most infinitesimal amount of emotional vulnerability.
"So, back to the first question," Dane prompted. "Dudes being weird about sex toys."
I pointed at him. "Well, you proved it just now. I tossed you that vibrator and you reacted like I'd tossed you a live grenade—or more to the point, a real, live dick. It's not an actual penis, Dane. You're not gonna suddenly be gay and want to put in your butt because you touched a fucking vibrator for point-two seconds."
He frowned at me, but it was a thoughtful frown. "I see your point."
"Let me ask you this," I said. "Have you ever incorporated a sex toy into sex with someone?"
He shook his head. "No. I guess…I guess I've always thought of sex toys like vibrators or clit stimulators to be for solo play. Like, we've got each other, so why would we need extra gadgets?"
"Which is totally valid. But let's say you're hooking up with a girl and she's hot, she's into you, things are going well, but…she just can't quite reach orgasm."
"I'd be asking what I was doing wrong," he said.
“Sure, of course. But what if she says you're not doing anything wrong—it's legitimately not you, it's just that she has a hard time reaching orgasm. What if she asked how you'd feel if she used one of these," I gestured with the stimulator, "during sex?"
He frowned again, and—to his credit—spent a while truly considering the question. "Hmmm. I guess…yeah, I like to think I'd be willing to try it and see how it goes. A part of me would probably feel like she was pandering to my ego by saying it's not me, though. Like, making my partner feel good is low-key more important to me than me feeling good. Like, I know I'm going to come, and I know it's going to be good. But it's not a guarantee with women."
I laughed. “Yet you'd still take it personally if you couldn't get your partner off, even though you know that to be true."
He chuckled. “Yeah, you caught me in that one." He sobered, eying the dildo. “Now, if I'm honest, I'd probably feel weirder about it if she wanted to bust that monster out during sex. Like, yo, babe, where thefuckdo you thinkthatthing is going?"
"Awww c'mon, Dane," I said, giggling, "you mean to tell me you're not into being pegged by a dildo the size of a horse’s cock?"
“Yeah, no. Nope. Not into that. No shade to anyone who is, but I'm not."
I patted him on the arm. "That's my point. You're more open to it than other guys I've talked to about this, and you're still weird about it. Most guys I've talked to about this wouldn't evenconsiderletting me bring out a toy during sex."
"Why not?" Dan asked.
"Why did you hesitate when I asked?"
A pause, and a slow exhale. "I guess…" a clearing of his throat. "The brutally honest answer is feeling threatened. Which sounds really fuckin' pathetic when I say it out loud. Jesus. But…yeah, that's it."
"Threatened by an inanimate object?" I asked, not even attempting to not sound derisive.
He shrugged. "It's not jealousy, exactly, not like I'd be jealous if you were ghosting me and fucking some other dude. It's…god, how do I put it? You wanting to bust out a vibrator during sex triggers a feeling of inadequacy. Like why am I not good enough? We as men feel like our manhood, ourvirility,is the core of our identity. That's why erectile dysfunction is so debilitating."
I arched an eyebrow at him. “Because you've experienced ED?"
"Not ED, no, but I've had the li'l fella not work before. It sucks. It's embarrassing. Makes you feel like a useless sad sack of shit."
