Page 89 of Badd Love
Lindsey snickered. "I stabbed a fork through the middle of his hand so hard it pinned it to the bar. And then, I, um, sort of kicked him in the balls so hard so many times he had to be hospitalized and will never reproduce again, and most likely won’t ever get an erection again either."
Rune clapped. "Excellent!" She gasped, hands over her mouth. "Wait, did you get in trouble?"
Lindsey shook her head. “No, I did not. And, um, actually, I sort of snuck into his hospital room by pretending to be his girlfriend."
Rune popped Skittles into her mouth like a caricature of a rapt moviegoer with popcorn. "No! Shut up! Youdid not!"
"I one hundred percent did. Some seriously spiffy acting on my part, I gotta say."
"Why?" Duncan asked. "Why go see him?"
Lindsey raked flyaway hair out of her face. "I had to. I know you can't…grasp it…and that's not a dig, I promise. He just…he'd haunted me every day and every night for fuckingyears. Talk therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, I tried it all. I had fucking nightmares, flashbacks—I’ve been fuckinghauntedby hiss ass. He was never far from my mind. What he did to me. The helplessness. The fear. The guilt, the shame. The anger. No matter how brave a face I put on, no matter how much I tried to bury it all and not think about it, I just…he…it never went away. Dating, hooking up, he was always the invisible third person. Tainting every facet of my life, my love life especially." She huffed a laugh. "Love life—what a fucking joke. I avoided love like the goddamn plague. How do you love someone when you see someone raping you every time you try to sleep, when you feel him violating you every time you're in bed with someone?"
I felt bile in my throat. "Linz…"
"You were the exception," she whispered, her voice wet and hoarse. "Dane,youwere the exception. Why do you think I was so freaked out? I know…"
She shot to her feet and paced to the steps of the gazebo, head tipped back, breathing with slow deliberation.
Started over. "I know it seems like that should be a relief, but it's just terrifying. To suddenly have silence when you're used to this endless mental noise? Arguing with yourself. Trying to silence the monster inside. Trying to pretend you don't hear his sick fucking voice in your head telling you he'll cut your throat if you tell anyone, he'll make sure I go to jail, and you know what happens to little girls in jail, right? Hearing his voice calling you a good little whore when you choose to lay there and take it instead of fighting it. You hear that shit—it'sallyou hear. And then suddenly you meet this guy, and he's sexy and funny and interesting, and he's attracted to you and…and…you think it'll be like all the other times you've hooked up. You'll get a little pleasure out of it, and if you're lucky, your fucked up brain will shut up for two fucking seconds."
I moved behind her, and she didn't look at me, just shook her hands at her sides. "Please don't touch me right now, Dane. I can't keep my mind straight when you talk to me, and I need to get all this out of my fucking head."
"Okay. Can I at least stand near you?" I said.
"Please, yes." She turned to peer up at me, eyes wet and shimmering and wide and sad and hopeful all at the same time. "I need you—" a choked sob, a shake of her head. "I need you close. I just…I'll fall apart if you touch me, and I can't fall apart yet."
"I'll be there when you do," I told her. "No matter how, no matter when, no matter where, no matter why."
"I know, Dane. I know." She shook her head and blew out a short breath. She glanced back at Duncan. "I went to see him because I had to look him in the eye, face-to-face, without flinching. I had to face him. I would never have gone looking for him if this hadn't happened. I guess I thought he was still in jail. Naively, perhaps. It's not like I went to the trial or knew how long he'd gotten, I'd just been told by fucking Larry, my shit-eater of a brother, that he’d gotten popped for raping some poor girl."
I was standing behind her, and I heard her swallow, saw her shoulders lift and lower as she controlled her breathing. She leaned back against me, head on my breastbone, drawing strength from me—I hoped. After a moment, she straightened.
"I told him I forgave him. Not for him—for me. I…I just…I knew I had to try to let it go. Let him go. Move on. Be free. So I looked him in the eye and I fucking forgave him. I said the words, at least. I…said a lot of shit that's honestly gonna stay between him and me. And then the best thing in the whole world happened."
She paused for effect.
"Two LAPD officers showed up to arrest him for violating the terms of his parole and for violating a restraining order."
It was Rune who pointed out a discrepancy Lindsey had apparently overlooked. "He was on parole in California? I assumed he served his prison sentence in Massachusetts.”
"Oh," Lindsey muttered. "I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, he was in a state pen in Massachusetts. So clearly, he got out, moved to Cali, got arrested again there—I assume for something to do with the girl who had a restraining order against him." She blinked. "He said he'd been on oil rigs for the last few years." A shrug, a wave of the hand. "Whatever. Doesn't matter."
"So he was in the hospital with literal busted balls and he got arrested?" Duncan said, laughing. "That's fucking fantastic."
Lindsey turned and grinned at us. "Oh, it gets even better." She rubbed her hands together gleefully. "They hadn't even finished saying what he was under arrest for when the fuckingFBIshows up saying they've got him for drug possession and transportation, possession of a firearm without a license, and witness intimidation.”
"On oil rigs, my ass," Duncan said.
Lindsey shrugged. "He's always been a two-bit criminal, but he also always had a job." She let out a breath. "So yeah. I left the cops and the feds to figure out who got to take him away first. But even if and when he gets out again, I'm not living any more of my life trapped by the memory of him. In my mind, he was still this huge, strong twenty-year-old with all the power. He’s not that anymore. He’s wasted away. He's old. Drug-addled. He’s…he's no one. He's gone. The thing I was so afraid of—who he used to be and the things he did to me—it's in the past."
Rune appeared beside her. Leaned against her, head on her shoulder. "Linz, honey. I'msoproud of you."
Lindsey laughed. "For what?"
"Oh, I dunno…everything? Surviving. Coming through all that. Not actually murdering Danny Cohen."
Lindsey twisted her head to kiss Lindsey on the crown. "Thanks, babe."
