Page 122 of Shades of Loyalty
“I’m begging you, I… I need you. Don’tyou see that?”
Daniel Caruso—the man who never pleads. Never asks. Never begs.
But now, he’s pleading for me to stay. And God, I wish he wasn’t. Because it makes this so much harder.
I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I’m afraid of that side of him or the fact that I still love him despite it.
He killed a man.
He stood before me, covered in blood, his expression blank as if it meant nothing.
But now? Now he looks at me like I’m the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart.
It hurts. I hate myself for running away when I knew he needed to see I wouldn’t. I hate myself for being terrified of this version of him.
It should be normal to be terrified of it. After all, I know who he is. I know what he does. I’ve known since we met.
I promised him that I’d also love this side of him. And when he needed my reassurance, I ran away.
Now he’s begging me to stay. Because he thought I was going to leave. Just like I left that room, the second he turned around.
I feel like a bitch. It was a normal reaction—anybody would’ve reacted like this—but I should’ve told him earlier.
I should’ve turned around, told him I couldn’t see this scene, and walked away. To reassure him. To tell him,it’s not you. It’s me who’s at fault.
“Daniel… There’s nothing you could do that would make me hate you. Even if I’m scared, I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I know you’d hurt others to save me instead.”
And that? That’s a huge privilege, one that isn’t self-explanatory. I’ll forever be thankful for that.
"Listen…" I whisper, my voice breaking. “I love you. You have no idea how much meeting you changed my life, in a good way.”
His grip on my hands tightens, his dark eyes desperate. I see it—the fear. The panic. The silent plea.
“Please don’t leave me, baby. Please…”
I smile gently before my hands find their place on his face, my eyes focusing on his. He doesn’t pull away. His eyes—desperate and raw—search mine for something he doesn’t yet know he needs.
“I would never leave you,” I murmur softly. “I need you to know that… I just… needed to get out of there. I needed time for myself. Seeing you like this, it…”
I hesitate, taking a slow breath. His thumb brushes over my knuckles as if anchoring me to him. His touch calms me, but it also makes my heart ache.
“It triggered the memory of the day we met. When I couldn’t save that man, my hands were drenched in blood, it just… I just couldn’t stay in that room with you. The sight of all that blood, it just got too much for me. But I need you to know that no matter what, I’d never stop lovingyou. I’ll always stay by your side. The situation just overwhelmed me.”
I mean it. No matter how much I tell myself I should be terrified of him, the truth is crueler.
I’m not terrified of him. Though I know I should be.
No. I’m terrified oflosinghim.
Seeing him act like the monster lurking behind the side of him I’ve always known—it scared me. It worried me in that moment.
But at the same time, I know I’m supposed to love all of him. And I will. Even if it takes me some time. I’ll do it—for him.
A flicker of uncertainty lingers in his eyes. He’s unsure if he should believe me.
It hurts me to know. Because all I want is to see him happy. I just want all of this to be over, so that he can have some peace.
Iwant to be his peace.
