Page 133 of Shades of Loyalty
All these words don’t match my mother. And none of these words will bring her back. None of it will erase the fact that I should have done more.
I should have saved her.
My fingers curl into fists at my sides. The weight of guilt settles deep in my chest, suffocating, relentless. If I had killed Lorenzo sooner, she’d still be here. If I had been just a little faster, a little smarter—
The thought coils around my throat like a noose.
A gentle touch on my knuckles snaps me back. Jennifer. Her fingers barely brush against mine, hesitant, as if she’s unsure whether I’ll pull away. But I don’t. I can’t. That small, wordless gesture is the only thing keeping me from sinking too deep.
A smaller hand suddenly latches onto my other side, squeezing tightly. I glance down to see Mary. Her blue eyes are wide, brimming with unshed tears, her small fingers wrapped around mine like she’s afraid I’ll slip away.
Her eyes have always been the same as her mother’s. But her mother’s eyes have a whole different effect on me.
"Daddy…" Her voice is barely above a whisper.
It’s adorable. She’s started calling me her dad, and it couldn’t make me happier.
Before I can say anything, Enzo presses against my leg, his little arms wrapping around me in a tight hug. He doesn’t say a word, but his presence is enough.
Both the kids are clinging onto me, like they’re looking for comfort.
I glance at Jennifer, and she’s still watching me, those blue eyes holding an emotion I can’t quite place. Understanding? Concern? Love? Maybe it’s all of it. I’m pretty sure that it is.
She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to. Her, Mary, Enzo, Victoria and Andrew… all of them next to me is all I need.
"Though we grieve today, we find comfort in the love she left behind," the priest speaks, his voice steady, unshaken by the weight of the moment. "She will be remembered not just for the life she lived, but for the lives she touched. The people she gave life to. The people she gave love to."
I swallow hard, my jaw clenching. Really?Touched? She wasn’t just someone who touched lives, she was my mother. My home. The only warmth in a life that had been nothing but cold.
"May she rest in peace, forever in God's embrace," he finishes, closing his book.
The silence that follows is deafening.
As the priest’s voice finally stops, replaced by the soft rustling of clothes and shifting movements as people begin standing, I barely register it. My gaze drifts forward, to the dark coffin resting near the altar. The weight in my chest turns crushing. This is it. The final goodbye before her body is buried beneath the dirt and grass.
One more grave on an already overfilled graveyard. One more life that has come to an end.
There are endless rows of graves here already. But with each more grave, there’s one more story about pain and grief which is ready to ruin somebody’s life completely.
Andrew steps closer to me, his presence solid but silent. He’s always been the quiet one, keeping his grief locked up just as tightly as I do.
Victoria, on the other hand, looks like she’s barely holding it together. Her shoulders tremble, but her chin is raised, defiant against the sorrow threatening to break her.
She’s always been like this. Hard to break but visibly hurt.
One by one, people move to pay their final respects. I remain frozen, my feet rooted to the ground. I don’t want to move closer. I don’t want to see the polished wood up close, to accept what’s inside.
But I have to. We all have to, though it’s hard on us.
Jennifer’s fingers tighten around mine, giving me the strength I don’t want to admit I need. I let out a slow breath, forcing myself to step forward.
When Victoria decides to pick up her son, I decide to do the same with Mary. Feeling her tiny body in my arms helps me stay sane.
The kids have no idea what’s going on right now, not exactly. Both got an explanation from Jennifer and Vicky, but if their still evolving minds understood? I don’t really think so.
Not completely, at least.
After Jennifer, Mary and me, Andrew, Enzo and Vicky followed.
