Page 109 of Shades of Loyalty
The way he says it, so cold and matter of fact, makes my chest tighten. He’s so used to pushing down his emotions, to believing he has to be strong for everyone.
Even right after he saw his mother, I noticed it. He tried to keep his cool, trying to be the boss. Although nobody expected him to do so.
I move my hand from his and place it on his face instead, making him look at me.
“Daniel, you don’t have to be strong right now.”
He stares at me like he’s trying to believe it. Like the idea of being vulnerable, of not holding everything together, is something foreign to him.
He’s done it before. But this? This is so much more.
Slowly, his hand comes up, covering mine, pressing it against his cheek. He leans into my touch, just slightly, like he’s letting himself take comfort in it.
“My love,” he whispers.
“Yes? Do you want me to get you something? Is there something you need?”
“You. I just need you. That’s all.”
I smile as I cuddle up to him. “Of course. I’m all yours, for as long as you need.”
“Can I tell you something?” He asks, his eyes closed. Again, I whisper back a quiet, “Yes.”
“I want to be your boyfriend. But I’m so fucking scared.”
Shock flows through my body once he finishes his sentence. He wants to be my boyfriend. Fuck. He really wants this?
I mean, yes, of course he said he loves me. But is he ready to really date? Especially now? With everything going on?
“What are you scared of?”
His eyes open again, and he looks into mine. Brown mixing with blue.
Like the mixture of earth and sky, colliding in a quiet storm. Like fire meeting the ocean, burning and calming all at once.
Perfection in all its ways.
His lips open, like he wants to say something, but he stops, struggling to find the words. For a few seconds, he stays quiet completely.
“I’m scared of ruining this. Ruiningyou.”
“Ruining me?” I ask. “How…?”
“You keep saying you want this. That you want me. And I want to believe you, really. But one day, you might wake up and realize I’m not the one you need. That I’m too much. That you and your daughter shouldn’t be with me. And I mean, I wouldn’t blame you for leaving me after all the shit that happened but…” His voice cracks, he’s looking away to try to hide his pain. “I don’t think I’d survive losing you.”
His words are the raw truth.
His words are exactly what he’s been feeling all this time. And no matter how much I’ll try to reassure him, I know he’ll always have this insecurity. All I can do is help him. Keep reassuring him every single day.
I reach for his hand once more, holding it in mine. “Listen to me. I know what I want. And that’s you. I know the dangers that come with this world but… Together, we can manage all of this.”
“I’m not a good man, Jennifer. You see the parts of me I want you to see. But one day, you’ll see the rest. And I don’t know if you’ll still want me then.”
I pause, letting his words sink in.
“Daniel… Your parents have been together for a long time, haven’t they?”
He nods.
