Page 138 of Ashes of the Sun
I started to push my way back through the trees, towards Anne, but Bastian held me back.
“What are you doing?” he hissed.
“But Anne—” I looked back at my friend, watching her disappear into the house with her dad and Pastor Carter. Deep down I knew this was the last time I’d ever see her. Grief unlike anything I had ever felt pierced the very flesh of my heart.
“You left your note. She’ll know how to find you. If she doesn’t contact you, then you know there’s nothing else you can do,” he said softly, gently tugging on my hand.
Bastian was right. But still…
He kissed my cheek. A sweet gesture after the atrocities we had witnessed that night. “Sometimes you have to save yourself and only yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Wasn’t there?
But I knew there was nothing else I could do. Staying here wouldn’t help Anne. It most certainly wouldn’t help me.
And then there was Bastian…
“Come on,” I said and led him through the trees.
Istood just inside the gate, looking towards the road.
I hesitated.
I couldn’t breathe. Uncertainty constricted like a fist in my stomach.
I wished the sun was warm on my back. To feel its heat in this place one last time. My final connection to everything I was leaving behind.
My home.
My family.
My purpose.
“You ready?” he asked with a sigh. I knew he was eager to get going. I was the one holding us up.
I shook my head and said “yes.” The smallest of sounds. Barely above a whisper. But I knew he understood my contradiction. He understood in the way only another person preparing to jump off a cliff could.
“What if I can’t do this?” I asked, my voice trembling slightly. It felt like a betrayal giving voice to my worries. I should be strong. I should be determined. Like Bastian, I should feel eager and full of the desire to flee. But I felt childish and insignificant.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I wanted to howl at the sky. I wanted to beat him with my fists. Claw him with my nails. I wanted to scream at him for making me love him. For showing me the ugly truth I had never wanted to see.
I closed my eyes.
Breathe.
That’s all I was capable of.
I started at the sudden contact of skin. His fingers threaded through mine. The pressure of his palm as he squeezed slightly. Imbuing me with his strength when I lost my own.
“You can do this—” he began.
“What if it’s awful out there? What if the world swallows me up?” I felt silly saying those things. Especially considering what had happened tonight. What Bastian had lost because of the place we were leaving. But the terror of the unknown forced them from chest. Unrestrained, my concerns held me tight.
He took my chin in his fingers and turned me so I faced him. I couldn’t get used to him touching me. It unnerved me. It overwhelmed me.
It was the ground crumbling beneath my feet.
“Sara, it’s okay to be scared. But remember, there is nothing beyond those gates that is any worse than what we’re leaving behind.” His eyes were hard. His face resolute.
He kissed me. Fortifying me with his lips. Reminding me why I was doing this. Why I stood in the dark of night, my family behind me, his mouth on mine.
Love was my purpose.
Him.
Us.
Together.
