Page 111 of The Fury She Holds
Tal knew Carrick heard her screams every night. He knew she wasn't okay—that she was pretending nothing had changed. He needed to hear the truth. She steeled herself with her nextbreath. “In truth? I’m not.” She willed herself not to think of the visions she’d revisited just moments ago.
Carrick’s hands fell on top of hers.
“I cry every night. And when I don’t cry, I have nightmares. I see cloaked shadows in the dark. I smell Ed’s blood on the wind. I spend every moment waiting for the next blow to bludgeon my body. And when my power surges in my chest, I wonder if this will be the last time. Will it finally drive me mad with the need toconsume. I’m not okay, and I don’t know when I will be.” Her words grew thick. She struggled through her next breath and felt the sting of tears waiting to fall.
Carrick squeezed her hand. His eyes glistened with tears of his own, and Tal couldn’t muster the energy to tease him.
“I don’t know when I’ll be okay again,” she repeated. Her next breath washed through her like the water that crashed over her head. It crested over her aloof facade and left her vulnerable. She swallowed the sobs that left her broken and raw each night while Faron hummed a deep melody. She hadn’t opened up about this. Not to Faron. Not to anyone. Not until now.
It terrified her to admit she had no control over her thoughts, her fears, her own magic. She would do anything to go back to the Talwyn that drank herself into a stupor and stumbled over the cobblestones until trouble found her. The world around her had become foreign. She awoke from the terror only to fall asleep to a sense of foreboding. She couldn’t navigate this alone, and Faron wouldn’t be there for every moment of it.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Carrick frowned. He opened his mouth to speak, but Tal stopped him with a shake of her head.
“I’m sorry for my stubbornness, and that I couldn’t see how my actions had consequences… forallof us. I’m sorry for making you worry and having to save me because I couldn’t follow my own damn rules. I’m sorry you got thisshitlife. I wish—” She inhaled against the tightness in her chest. “I wish I could give you something more, that I could wave my hand, and we’d have everything we could ever want, or at least that I could stop being such a dewberry.”
“Hey, if anyone is a dewberry around here, it’s Daire.”
Tal laughed through her tears. “Don’t get me started.”
“Once Faron has no need of him, I’ll enjoy breaking every single one of his bones.” Carrick’s eyes lost their light at the mention of the traitorous captain.
“And then he’s mine.”
Their fickle alliance with Daire, if they could call it that, still made Tal uneasy. It felt more like they had to threaten the man into feeding false information to the council while reporting back to Faron. She hoped, at least, they would learn who hired the mages and ensure the danger had passed.
“I’m sorry too.” Carrick broke Tal from her thoughts. “You shouldn’t have been left alone. With everything you’ve been through this summer, I should have been there with you.”
Tal wiped her nose with her wet sleeve. “You have nothing to apologize for. And I wasn’t alone. I had Ed and Waylon.”
“And they were still no match for the mage. It was too much to ask them to protect you. Waylon is devastated enough as it is. He still hasn’t come by.”
“And you think putting yourself in danger would have been much better?” She nudged his arm.
Carrick released a frustrated sigh. “I don’t know. I just—” He curled his hands around hers. “I just wish I could change it all. When I thought something had happened, I was lost. Don’t look at me like that. I need to say this,” he chastised her when she grimaced. “We built this lifetogether. I don’t want it if you’re not there to see it through.” His eyes pleaded.
“Are you confessing your love to me, Duckie?” Tal tried to hide her grin.
“I confess that if you die on me, I’ll beat you to a pulp.” He released her hand and poked her shoulder.
“There he is.” Tal rubbed the spot that would definitely bruise. “Don’t make it awkward. Apparently, I’m taken, and I’m not made for sharing.”
“Faron can have you.” He pretended to turn away.
“Hey!”
“As long as he brings you back by dinner,” he said with an ear-splitting grin.
“I can’t promise dinner. Definitely sunrise… give or take an hour.” She tapped her chin in pretend thought.
Carrick sighed. “Don’t leave us, Tal. Okay?”
“Are you kidding? You aren’t that lucky. I’m not going anywhere.” Tal stood and offered her hand.
Carrick took it and stood beside her. He wrapped his muscled arms around her and squeezed.
Tal closed her eyes and returned the embrace. When he didn’t let go, she said a silent prayer to the gods to protect them, all of them. Whatever dangers lay ahead, she prayed they would face it together. As she fought the tears that threatened to spill yet again, her fury lapped at its walls in a gentle caress.We’ll be okay,she told herself, and her fury swelled for a heartbeat before quieting.
