Page 80 of Keeping Amanda
Amanda tensed, hated that she felt that way upon seeing the man she loved. She couldn’t wait for the time when she could be happy and excited by a surprise visit, rather than worried about what was wrongnow.
“What is it? Has Tex found them?” she asked, standing as he got close.
Rain got up to greet Nash, and he gave him a quick but distracted pet before closing the distance between himself and Amanda.
“He found Bibi.”
“Really? Where is she? Is she okay? Can we go see her?”
But Nash shook his head slowly, frowning solemnly.
“She’s dead, Mandy,” he said quietly. “I’m so sorry.”
It took a moment for the words to sink in.
“What?”
“A little girl’s body was found in a park in North Carolina, not too far from the border of Virginia. She was malnourished, had bruises all over her body, and the coroner believes she died of exposure. That was four days ago. There was no identification on her, so nobody knew who she was. Tex found the report and had his suspicions. He sent in a picture from her file at the orphanage. It’s her.”
For long seconds, Amanda felt numb. Her mind and body utterly detached from this moment. Then she closed her eyes, the news sinking in slowly.
The little girl she’d wanted to be her daughter—the beautiful, smart, kind, precious child she’d gotten to know—would never grow up. Would never experience the many joys there were in life. Graduations, her first job, first crushes…love.
Amanda’s heart shattered.
The first sob took her by surprise, but once the dam was broken, there was no stopping it. The tears came hard and fast,pouring down her cheeks like a faucet had suddenly been turned on full blast.
It wasn’tfair! Not Bibi. Not that precious little girl…
Nash enveloped her in his embrace, and Amanda collapsed against him, grateful for the comfort he was offering. She buried her head in his shoulder and closed her eyes tightly. That didn’t stop the tears though. They came just as fast, soaking Nash’s shirt and skin. Bathing him with her despair, her sorrow.
But she kept her eyes squeezed shut. Maybe if she could block everything out, this wouldn’t be happening. Nash’s words wouldn’t be true.
“Why?” she eventually whispered between sobs. “Why?! If Blair wanted her so much, why would she do that to her?”
“I don’t know,” Nash said gently. “But if I had to guess…Blair had no idea what she was doing. If she’s in the middle of a mental crisis, she probably can’t take care of herself, let alone a child. I’m not making excuses for her, because thereisno excuse for something like this, but just…trying to make sense of how this could’ve happened.”
Amanda felt as if she were watching their drama from above. As if she were having an out-of-body experience. All she wanted to do was go to sleep. Then she wouldn’t have to think about this awful news. About the fact that she’d never see Bibi again. Never hear her laugh. Never hold her little hand…
“Can we get her?” she managed to ask. “I can’t stand the idea of her being in a cold morgue by herself.”
“Tex is already working on that. If possible, we’ll get her transferred here, and we’ll have a service for her.”
“I want to h-have her cremated,” Mandy said with a hitch in her voice. “I brought a kite with me from the States, when I went to Guyana, and she was so fascinated by it. How the wind could carry it so high in the sky…and the way it danced.” Her voice softened, and fresh tears spilled over her cheeks. “She skipped around in a field of dirt behind the school, laughing and turning in circles with her arms open, watching the kite. That’s how I want to remember her, Nash. Laughing and flying free. Not buried deep in the ground.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” he said quietly.
Amanda stayed where she was, curled up against his chest, as memories of little Bibi swam through her head. Anger mixed in with her sorrow. This was so damn unfair! She’d had such a tragic short life. Sheshould’vehad the chance to fly herself. Make a difference in the world.
She had no idea how long she cried on Nash’s shoulder, but he held her tightly the entire time. Letting her have her mini break-down without interference.
After a while, when she’d gotten control over her tears somewhat, something occurred to her suddenly. She lifted her head and looked at Nash in horror. “This wasmyfault,” she whispered. “If I hadn’t told Blair that I wanted to adopt?—”
“No,” Nash said forcefully. “Donottake this on your shoulders. This is in no way your fault. It’s Blair’s. No one else’s.”
“But—”
“Don’t,” Nash interrupted her again. “I mean it, Mandy. Loving a child isnevera bad thing. What happened is entirely on Blair. Period. Full stop.”
