Page 9 of Deserving Lara
“Yes,” Owl replied, talking about more than the sunrise. Her straight blonde hair was hanging out the bottom of the stocking cap, splayed around her shoulders, and static electricity was making a few strands stick out a bit. She had on one of his old coats that was at least two sizes too big. Cora had bought her some warm gloves from town, along with a pair of boots.
Her cheeks were pink from the cool morning air and for the first time since they’d arrived back at The Refuge, Owl saw more than misery in her ocean-blue eyes. He couldn’t look away.
“What?” she asked a little self-consciously. “Do I have something on my face?” She reached up to wipe at her cheek with the hand that wasn’t entwined with his.
“No,” Owl told her. “I just…I like seeing you like this.”
“Like what?” she asked with a tilt of her head.
“Calm. Relaxed.”
Lara turned to look back out over the beautiful scenery, and Owl mentally kicked himself for ruining the mellow mood. Her shoulders were back to being hunched and her muscles were tense again.
“When Stone and I were rescued, I was grateful. Of course I was. But I went through a phase, a long one, where I was resentful as well,” Owl said.
At that, Lara’s head turned so she could look at him again. He didn’t wait for her to comment before continuing.
“A part of me, a huge part, wished that I had died while in captivity. I would’ve been seen as a hero. Helicopter pilot goes down in enemy territory, gets tortured, and dies serving his country. I probably would’ve had an interstate named after me or something.” He chuckled, but it wasn’t a humorous sound. “Instead, I came home broken, bitter, and untrusting. It sucked knowing the entire world saw me when I was at my very lowest. Even today, those damn videos are still out there. Once something’s on the Internet, it never completely goes away. There’s no telling how many assholes saved those clips and have them on their hard drives.
“Not only that, it felt impossible to get back to the man I used to be. What I didn’t realize at the time, and had to learn after lots of therapy, was that I wouldneverbe the person I was before. That Callen Kaufman was gone. And I had to figure out how to be the new me.”
“How did you get over that feeling? The one of wishing you’d died?” Lara asked.
“By doing things like this. Sitting still, appreciating the things around me that made me feel small. I know that sounds strange, but—”
“It doesn’t,” Lara interrupted. “Sitting here this morning, seeing all this,” she gestured to the impressive view in front of them, “makesmefeel small. Insignificant. Until this morning, all I could think about was that basement and what happened to me there. This sunrise has reminded me that life rolls on. It doesn’t care about me…one tiny little person in the scheme of things. You know what I was thinking about when the sun was coming up?”
Owl was so proud of her, he could barely get the words out. “No, what?”
“Destiny Miller.”
When she didn’t continue, Owl asked, “Who’s that?”
“She’s one of the kids who attended the preschool I worked at back in DC. She was four when it happened…She was walking down the street with her dad, holding his hand. He was holding her nine-month-old brother in a car seat in his other hand. Apparently, they were going down to the store on the corner to buy some milk, since they’d run out. He’d wanted to give her mom a small break from the kids. She was at home, sleeping in for once. Someone ran up to them…and just shot her dad dead. But you know what?”
“What?” Owl whispered, horrified down to his core by what had happened to that little girl and her family.
“Destiny came to school the next day. She was so devastated, everyone could see that, but she ended up consolingus. When she saw me crying for her, she wiped my tears away and told me not to be sad. That her daddy was now her guardian angel, and he’d watch out for her and her brother for the rest of their lives.”
Lara turned to stare out in front of her once more. “Bad stuff happens all the time. To people who don’t deserve it. Like Destiny and her family. And she’s just one of hundreds, thousands…millions of people who have crap happen that isn’t fair. Cancer, fatal car accidents, house fires, robbery…the list goes on and on. Andlifegoes on. It doesn’t stop. The sun still comes up every morning and goes down each night.
“If Destiny could manage to have a positive mindset about what happened, at four years old, then I need to figure out how to do the same.”
Owl was speechless. His throat was so tight, he wasn’t sure he could speak at that moment. He’d admired this woman before, but now? He realized she was the strongest woman he’d ever met. Yes, he was surrounded by strong women, but in his mind, Lara blew them all away.
“I just…” she went on. “Don’t know how. I can’t think of a single positive thing about what I went through.”
Owl swallowed hard to clear the lump from his throat. “Cora met Pipe. Your best friend proved exactly how important you are to her, and how much she loves you. You’re here this morning watching this amazing sunrise. Your situation made the case against Grant stronger and brought renewed interest and desire to catch him once and for all. Brick started self-defense lessons here at The Refuge to help other women.”
Lara closed her eyes, and her grip on his hand tightened.
“It’s not easy,” Owl said. “I wish I could tell you that it is. That one day you’ll wake up and just be better. That the negative and destructive thoughts in your head will—poof!—be gone. But they won’t be. I have days when I still struggle with everything I went through.”
“How do you get past it?” Lara asked, her eyes still closed.
“I watch sunrises. I help Tonka shovel cow shit. I talk to Stone. I do crosswords. I sit on my couch in my sweats, don’t bother to shower, and eat junk food all day. I allow myself to have a down day. I’m not Superman, no matter how much I might want to be. Give yourself some grace, Lara. No one is expecting you to bounce right back to your old life except you.”
She sighed and opened her eyes again. “He’s never going to stop,” she said in a barely audible tone.
