Page 86 of Raze
“There,” I murmur, my chest still heaving while I work to recapture the oxygen I’d missed. “I fucked you, and I still don’t know and trust you. So, that’s not why I trust or believe in Jackson.”
Aiden stills. A tiny part of me panics, wanting to backpedal and fix it, but I press my lips together to keep quiet. I push myself upright to sit, straddling the bench while watching him.
“Excuse me?” he asks slowly, his voice soft but terrifying.
“You heard me.” I double down, even as my heart gallops.
His eyes close. When they open again, there’s nothing but contempt in his expression as he looks at me. “Is that all that was? You fuck people to prove a point?”
I bristle at the implication, even if he’s not entirely wrong. It’s not why I wanted that. But it was the only way to protect myself from him if he were to think it was anything else. We both hate each other. How could I pretend it was anything more? “No, justyou,” I snap. “I apparently can’t find any way to make you trust me other than proving you wrong.”
“And you thought having sex was the answer?”
He’s making me sound more and more like an idiot, even though I was lying about why we just did that, which just pisses me off further. I snatch my clothes from the floor, tugging them on angrily. “Of course not!”
“If you want me to trust you, then just tell me what you’ve been hiding. It’s not that difficult.”
“Yes, it is,” I grind out. “You don’t knowanythingabout what I’ve been through!”
“I would if you’d just tell me!”
“It’s none of your business! It has nothing to do with you. You stopped deserving any explanation the second you knocked me out on that island and left me for dead. You want to know why I almost left the other night? Because I know the moment you all learn anything more about my past, you’ll do the same thing you did last time. You’ll turn your backs on me. You’ll call me all the words that hurt me.” Tears threaten to spill from my eyes, but through sheer force of will, I hold them back. “You’ll go out of your way to giveeverything you haveto complete strangers at your Guild, but when I needed help, you abandoned me!”
My throat constricts, and I swallow past a lump. “You want mytrust enough to tell you my secrets? You have toearnit. Because as far as I’m concerned,you’rethe one who can’t be trusted.Youdidn’t believe in me or ask questions when you found out about Vera.Youare the one who left me defenseless and alone on the island while lying to everyone else that you didn’t find me.Youthrew me into a hole in the floor while letting me believe you were trying to imprison me. Andyouused the smallest trust I had left in you to trick me into putting those handcuffs on, only to lock me up because I didn’t do what you wanted.”
Liquid brims my eyes, and my hands shake at my sides. I fist them to get control, even as my soul cracks while I list out every time Aiden has failed me.
His eyes are wide as he stares at me. I don’t know if I’ve finally gotten through to him, if he’s just taken aback by me finally opening up this much to him, or what, but I don’t give him the chance to respond.
I’ve opened up my heart to him, and I can’t bear to let him cut it again. He’s already proven to me he can’t be trusted with it. I take the scraps of myself that remain, bundling them close to my chest, and walk out.
Chapter twenty-two
Aiden
My fist slams againstthe white subway tile of the shower wall. I hang my head under the scorching heat of the water as it cascades down my hair to the drain at my feet.
She had me.
She played me like a fucking fiddle, and like a fool, I fell for it without stopping to question it.
Why would I believe she wanted anything to do with me after all the horrible things I’ve said to her? When she has Jackson, and apparently Kellan as well?
I was just a means to an end. A way to prove her point. To show me I can control her about as well as I can hold the steam from this shower in my hand.
I thought we’d made a breakthrough. She would finally share something real with me. And while I was weak and hopeful, she ripped my heart from my chest and squeezed it in her grasp until it burst.
I should have known better.
We were never meant to be anything more to each other than spiteful allies. If that. Even when I’d almost had her all to myself, when I’d taken the leap and kissed her back on the island, it wasn’t meant to be. We were over before we could really begin because fate decided that I find her birth certificate the next day.
I had one kiss with her. One night of hope and excitement before it was ripped away from us.
Now, the most we can share with each other is who can hurt the other the most. Now, any interaction we have just proves to me that any possible relationship between us would be toxic.
Even when I try to help her or open up, nasty digs and undercutting remarks fall from my tongue on reflex. I don’t even think about them, and they’re there. Past my lips and attacking her, to keep her at a distance.
I stare at the water circling the drain. I soak in the heat of the shower and the ache in my chest until they are both a part of me. I don’t hide from it; I latch on and breathe it into me so that I remember this moment.
