Page 78 of Raze
Raegan looks between the bags and Kellan. “You aren’t going to help put them away?”
“Naw. I get yelled at for putting things in the wrong place. And I’ve been told I take up too much room in the kitchen. Better for me to stay over here and help like this.”
I ignore them both and focus on the frozen and refrigerated items first, tossing the empty bags in a pile in the corner for me to clean up when I’m done.
“I’ll help Dane then, you lazy ass,” she teasingly yells at him. Then she smiles almost hesitantly toward me, like she’s still trying to figure out how to act around me again.
I feel the same fucking way.
“You can do the pantry items,” I tell her because she’s looking at me like she’s waiting for a direction. She nods and opens the pantry doors, then pulls items out of bags to bring into the L-shaped walk-in pantry.
After I’m done with the cold items, I pick up the rest of the bags in two hands and bring them into the pantry, so we don’t have to walk back and forth, and set them on the ground.
“Oh. That’s smart.” She picks through the closest bag to her and takes what she can carry, then turns to put the cans on the shelf. “So…about what Vera said…” I can tell that she’s trying to act like everything’s cool, but there’s a shaky undertone in her voice that gives away her nerves.
“You mean when she called you names?” If that’s what she’s worried about, then we are on completely different pages.
“Well…yeah, that and the other things she said about me. And my…mom.”
I stop putting groceries away, hoping she’ll stop too so we can look at each other, but she keeps going like she needs to keep herself busy while talking. I sigh and grab something else to help her, though I take my time with it so I can still concentrate on what I want to say.
“Look…I think we should call a truce,” I start, but her nose scrunches with confusion when she looks up at me from grabbing the next item on the floor.
“A truce? But I don’t hate you. There’s nothing to forgive on my side.”
“Like me pulling a gun on you?” I ask, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.
She shrugs again, not looking at me while putting something else on the shelf. “I understood. I didn’tlikeit, but I get it.”
She just…understood? That almost sounds like she thinks she deserved it. I don’t like that at all, if that’s the way she thinksabout herself. But I don’t want to get sidetracked from what I need to say and push those thoughts away for later.
“Okay, fine. Then I wanted to tell you that I believe you. After seeing everything Vera did and how she acted…I can’t pretend that she hasn’t changed. She even admitted that she would have let me die and brought me back to get what she wanted. So…I’m sorry.” I take a long, shaky breath, and she stops to stare at me with shock.
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you when you were only trying to protect me. I…still can’t believe that you guarded Vera’s memory for me, even though we all turned on you for it. Part of me wishes you hadn’t. That maybe we could have figured things out back then, but I also know it might not have mattered to me then. I know now that she’s changed from who I remember. But I’m still not giving up on her. My sister is in there somewhere, and Iwillsave her.”
Raegan rubs her arms self-consciously and doesn’t look convinced. “Dane, I don’t know how long before I found out about her that she’d turned. I don’t know if she can go back.”
I shake my head because there is no way I can believe that this can’t be fixed. She’salive. That means there’s still a chance we can get her back. That’s all that matters. “I was going into this thinking I could change her mind with a quick conversation, but now that I see this has been going on for at least six years, I know I need to try harder and do more.”
Her face tightens, but she doesn’t argue.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say so I can finish. “My point is that I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I still care about you, even when I tried to pretend I didn’t, and I don’t want to see you getting hurt,either. I’d like to try being friends again; whatever that means. I forgive you for what you did. So, if you want to talk about the other things Vera mentioned, then I’m here. And if not, I won’t pry. I choose to believe in you because that’s what I should have done from the start.”
Raegan turns away from me and closes her eyes. “No.”
No?
“You don’t forgive me. You can’t. I don’t…think that’s how forgiveness works. Just because you want to give it doesn’t mean that you do. I don’t think it’s that simple. Even if you want to, in your heart, you won’t truly forgive me until you have Vera back. I still killed her. I’m still the reason you haven’t had the last six years with her.” She sniffs, but I can’t see her face while her back is to me. “Even if we get her back, you may not forgive what I did. And I…I would understand it. I promise you, I will do anything to get her back to you. And then we can see where we are and go from there.”
I ball my hands into fists and the distance between us. She’s two feet from me, but she suddenly feels a thousand miles away. Have I done this? Am I the reason she doesn’t think she’s worthy of forgiveness? But I can’t deny that what she said doesn’t resonate with me.
I wrap my arms around her from behind and tug her back into me. “I’m sorry.” The words come out automatically, and I’m not even sure what they’re for. For making her feel this way. For not believing her the first time or the second, or any time after. For all the piece of shit things I’ve said and done to her. For not really forgiving her in my heart like she said, but trying to give it to her anyway beforeI was ready. For all the bullshit that’s been going on between us.
All of it.
"I'm so fucking sorry," I say again while holding her tight, because it will never be enough.
She turns into my chest and throws her arms around my back in the first hug we’ve had in years. I look down and see tears running down her face in a steady stream. Her eyes are closed as she tries to bury herself into my beige hoodie, where her tears are already darkening the fabric. For all her strength and fight against me, against the others, and against GE, I’d forgotten that she’s still sweet little Rae underneath it all.
