Page 97 of Where the Sun Lights the Shadows
When Andrew and I broke apart, allowing our breath to slowly go back to normal, he pulled me back into him quickly, wrapping me in his warm embrace and making me feel more loved than I ever had before.
“I love you, Em,” he whispered into my ear.
“I love you too, Andrew. With all my heart.”
We sat in that moment for several minutes before anyone spoke again. “I don’t know about you, but I immensely enjoyed that,” he told me. “I think we should be doing this all the time. I’m sure this is a great workout. I can stop going to the gym and just stay in bed with you every day from here on out.”
Laughter bubbled up from inside me. “Yeah? I’m sure your coach would loooove to hear all about your new training regimen.” I wink.
“You’d be surprised. My coach is pretty young and quite the player. He’d probably give me a high five and buy me a beer if he knew what I just did.”
My jaw nearly fell to the floor. “That’s not very coach-like of him! And you better not be going and bragging to your coach or any of your buddies about this.”
“I’m only teasing you, Em. I hope you know that. I respect you and our privacy enough to not go bragging aboutthis.” He had turned dead serious by this point, and I felt once again comforted and sure.
I don’t know how I ever doubted Andrew. I can trust him with my whole heart and then some. I don’t know what our future holds, but I do believe as long as I’m with him, I have the space and the support to be my most vibrant self, which is a beautifully unique thing.
Andrew comes up from the basement, disrupting my memories. His hair is combed, and I smell the faintest hint of cologne.
Rattling chocolate chips into a measuring cup, I note, “You look nice! I didn’t realize this would be a formal occasion.”
“It’s not.” He quickly adds, “It shouldn’t be. Rebecca wouldn’t want that. She’d be pissed at us if we dressed up.” With a chuckle, he admits, “She would’ve been pissed at me too if I showed up without at least combing my hair, though.”
I laugh with him, nodding as I imagine her response to an unkempt Andrew.Andrew! Seriously? You couldn’t even comb your hair for your dead sister? Honestly, I don’t know how you ever managed to get Emma to love you with that kind of hygiene.
“Shall we?” I ask as I transfer the cookie dough into some Tupperware so I can cover it up on the drive.
“I think we shall,” Andrew replies, grabbing two spoons from the drawer.
“Ohhh, good catch!” I tell him, relieved he is pulled together enough to remember this small detail.
In Andrew’s truck, the silence is quickly broken by Andrew’s nervous words. “I know I only have a few minutes before this whole thing becomes all about Rebecca, as it should, but I feel the need to acknowledge last night. I love you so much, Em. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel this much love for a person. I feel like I can’t even contain all the love. I just want to tell you every second of every day how much I love you, and it still won’t be enough.” He sighs, and I can tell he has more, so I wait patiently for him to continue. “I guess all I can do is try to love you the way you deserve and say thank you for sharingyour darkest and your brightest moments with me. Thank you for always calling me on my bullshit and for loving me even when it isn’t easy.”
“Andrew, it’s always easy with you.”
“Now it’s my turn to callyouonyourbullshit.” He smirks.
We pull up to the view, and I’m reminded of when we first came up here together earlier this summer. I was overcoming my fear of being here, of facing all the memories I had shared with Rebecca in this very spot. Now, I have new memories here, and it feels bittersweet. I never want to replace those memories with Rebecca, but it kind of feels good to have some memories that don’t have a hint of sadness to them, to have found light in the shadows.
We set up a blanket in the grass and watch the sun rise as we binge eat cookie dough with happy tears filling our eyes. The bright light peeking over the horizon is a beautiful metaphor for all the beginnings we’re embarking on: a new relationship, a new year of school, a new life where we aren’t hindered by fear.
Just like the sunrise, our future is filled with bright colors and vibrance. I wish Rebecca could be a part of it all, but instead of being sad about the fact that she won’t be, I’m grateful for the role she played in getting us here, happy, at peace, and in love.
