Page 41 of Deranged
Regardless of how I felt. guilt still bubbled below the surface for how I’d spoken to him, how I treated him the last time he’d been here. If I’d meant to drive him away, there were certainly less painful methods than just throwing words at him until he couldn’t stand to hear anymore.
I finished my food and went into the hall to try and find him. I could apologize, leave it at that, and then maybe I could breathe a tiny bit easier knowing even though I couldn’t keep him, he wasn’t left as broken as me.
Nurse Minthe sat behind the desk, and I approached, wary. She glanced up, and her eyes flew wide. “Did you need something?
“Uh…yes. I wanted to talk to the doctor, Ash, I mean. He…we didn’t leave things off well…and I wondered if I could see him. I know the new doctor is here, and she has his office, but he must be stashed away here somewhere.”
She narrowed her eyes now, and I felt the chill into my bones. “I’m sorry, Ms. Sito, but that isn’t possible. Do you need anything else?”
I tapped my fingers on the high counter and nodded. Maybe he’d told them he didn’t want to talk to me, or maybe he’d gone to another hospital already. My mother was fast, but I didn’t think she could work that fast.
“Anything else?” she prompted again.
The edge in her tone caused me to meet her beautiful eyes once more. “No. I mean…yes… Could you tell me where he is? If I can’t see him, that’s fine. I just wanted to make sure he is…” What? Happy? Fine? Safe? Missing me with the same bone-melting intensity for which I missed him. “I mean…can you just tell me?”
She stood now and forcefully shoved the files she’d been shuffling around into a single stack. Then she slammed it on the desk hard to straighten them out while she met my gaze. “I’m sorry, Ms. Sito, that is against our policy. The doctors have a right to privacy, and that doesn’t cover the patients knowing about their personal lives.”
This venom was directed at me for some reason. I’d done nothing to her. Hell, I’d barely spoken to her in the short time I’d been at the hospital. She rotated with another floor, and to be honest, every time I saw her, I’d avoided her because of Ash. But now, I wanted to strike back, make her tell me. If I had to endure her anger, she could endure mine. “What is your problem? Why are you speaking to me like I’m some kind of criminal?”
Something around her eyes loosened, and then she flopped back into her chair. “He was fired.”
My blood froze, my throat froze, my lungs froze. How? What? Why?
I cleared my throat trying to re-instill the oxygen I needed. “Why?”
The tilt of her head and the knowing narrow of her gaze told me she knew. “He was cited for unprofessional conduct and is under investigation from the board of ethics. Does that answer your question?”
I swallowed hard and looked away. “Yes, thank you for telling me.”
“If you’ll please return to your room or the day room, I can get back to work.”
It was clear she blamed me for Ash’s dismissal. And she should. My mother played some part in it too, however, but I didn’t know how or why.
I went back into my room. Someone had cleared away my trash and the breakfast tray. My door sounded loud and echoey. I sat on the bed and stared at the remaining books. There were far less of them, and my heart ached.The Count of Monte Cristohad been amongst the fallen, and I wanted those words, those pages, to soothe me right now. And in my anger, I’d destroyed it.
It was a lie. I didn’t want the book. I wanted Ash here to comfort me. The book had been a companion for years, but Ash could hold me, make love to me, and do things for me no book had ever done.
I missed him. Damn it. I allowed myself to think about it. I missed him so much, my chest rang hollow with the wanting. My mother used to tell me Sito women don’t need a man. She told me so often, I wasn’t sure if she’d been telling me or reiterating it to herself. Her words had also taught me I didn’t need her either. Not just her words but also the way she brushed me off. How work had always been more important than what I wanted or needed. And when she couldn’t foist me off on some other hired nanny any longer, she resorted to other methods to keep me out of her life and out of her hair.
I’d learned a long time ago that love couldn’t be trusted. It would always be used against you. And then I’d done it to Ash. Used his feelings for me to push him away. I hated myself right now.
Styx didn’t bother knocking this time as she entered the sterile shoebox of my cell. “Are you moping again?”
I glared and slid off the bed to the floor amongst my remaining books. “No, I’m organizing see…” I took one book off a stack and plopped it on top of another stack.
“Sure. What did legs out there say to you?”
“Who?”
She shook her head and waved toward the nurse’s station. “Minthe. I only saw her face, but it looked like you two had a conversation about something.”
Legs. Like I needed that visual to add to my growing imagination of all the things she had that I didn’t. Least of all freedom. “She told me Ash got fired for fucking me. Happy.”
She didn’t even flinch at the acid in my tone. “No, I’m not happy. He did get fired, but it was because he was trying to help you, not because he cared for you.”
I waved at her and lumbered off the floor. “And what about you? Do you care for me? You keep walking in here full of advice, but I don’t see you escorting me out of here. If you think I shouldn’t be here, why aren’t you doing anything about it?”
Her lips straightened into a thin line, an effort at a smile maybe? “Darling, that is all I’ve been trying to do. Starting with making you see you have far more control over what happens than you think. If I try to help you, I’ll go the same way as the doc. But if you try to help you, maybe you can get yourself out of here.”
