Page 33 of Deranged
He shoved into my room, closing the door behind him with careful control. But I caught the white of his knuckles in the light. He wanted to slam it as much as I did.
“What did you do?” he whispered, still facing the door, not even looking at me.
I wished I could have put on a mask of indifference, but no matter what I tried, nothing could stop the tears from forming at the corners of my eyes.
I stood and faced away from him. “I did what I had to do.”
“I deserve an explanation. I thought you wanted me to help you. And now you do this. What could you be playing at?”
I spun to look at him now. Even in anger, I wanted to remember his features. The soft lines around his eyes, the smattering of gray in his hair. “I did what I needed to do to keep you safe.”
“Keep my safe,” he whispered.
He took a step forward, and I retreated. One more and I matched it.
“Why are you running away from me?”
I shook my head. “Please, don’t do this. I made my request. Everything has been processed. You should go before anyone starts talking.”
“Who is anyone?”
I waved at the door. “Anyone. I won’t let you flush your entire career down the toilet for me. Especially when my mother usually wins.”
His mouth gaped open now, and his hands rest at his sides, no longer fisted. “Is that what you think you’re doing? Damning yourself to save my career.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
He stepped up and whispered fiercely right in my face. “It does fucking matter. Stop pretending you don’t care and tell me why you won’t let me fight for you. Why you think this is the better way?”
I could feel the pent up fury along every line of his body so close to mine. I wanted to scream and shout back at him. Instead, I met his eyes. “Because it doesn’t matter. I care enough not to let your risk your career for a dalliance. This was fun and all, but come on…neither of us is in this to forever.”
He blinked heavily and took a step back. Then clenched his fists, his mouth, his jaw. He wanted to throw angry words at me, throw my possessions, maybe even me. But he didn’t.
He turned to the door, opened it, closed it gently, and I listened to the careful cadence of his footsteps as they walked away.
“Because I love you,” I whispered into my new, somehow even emptier, room.
I almost missed the bed sitting down this time. Then almost slid off the edge because I couldn’t force my muscles to keep me upright on the soft mattress. After a second, I twisted onto it and lay facing the wall. Not even a book could comfort me right now.
The door opened a little while later, and I glanced up to watch Styx place a mug beside my bed. She left without a word, and I was grateful. I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t throw myself at the older woman seeking the comfort nothing could provide right now.
I faced the wall again and stared at the pattern in the brick. The scent of him still clung to my sheets and pillows, and I lay there inhaling the last piece I had of him. The last bit stolen for myself. Tomorrow, he’d be packed off to another hospital, a better hospital, and I’d never see him again.
I let the tears fall now. I’d never see that triumphant gleam in his eyes as he drove me to my orgasm, or the utterly perplexed look he got when I gave him yet another doctor’s name in place of his own.
I’d never feel the ghost of his fingers in my hair or the soft wetness of his lips on my neck. This was my own fault. I had to remember I did it to keep him safe. In the end, it’s what mattered.
I lay there and whispered it to myself over and over. I did it to keep him safe. I did it to keep him safe. I did it to keep him safe.
Chapter Fourteen
Ash
Anger settled like a dark film over me, inside me, coating me. It sizzled through every part of my body so much so that I could taste it. A bitter acrid flavor assaulting my senses. Once I made it to my office, I closed the door, picked up a throw pillow from the small chair, pressed it to my face, and let out a loud bellow.
It wasn’t nearly enough to take the edge off, and when I tossed the pillow back on the chair, it came away with a round wet imprint from my mouth.
The room was the same as it was before, except now, I glimpsed her from every surface. Making love to her on the desk. Her playing with me while I sat in my chair. Her smiles and quips from the doorway to the desk. It was as if her ghost spun around the room making a mockery of what I felt for her and how little she obviously felt for me.
