Page 43 of Make Me Forget
He ground his jaw together. “I thought you left to kill yourself. I couldn’t find you, and then I read that, and you weren’t answering your phone.” He ducked his head into his arms and swing them away, all while pacing frantically back and forth. His boots created echoes through the smallroom.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer when you called, or that you misunderstood what I wrote here, but I have no intention of killing myself…don’t you knowwhy?”
His eyes burned into mine, and he was well past the point of no return. “Please, tell me this revelation you’ve had.” His tone fell heavy withsarcasm.
I blinked and tried to capture my thoughts. The second I tried to grab hold, they scrambled again. I’d look like an idiot all over trying to explain my feelings like a too-oldtoddler.
“Ijust…”
He stepped forward and cupped his hand around his ear. “You just what? I know you aren’t going to say you love me, because you’ve been making it very clear since we had sex that you didn’t want me for anythingelse.”
My turn to be angry and irrational now. “I never said anything likethat…”
“Of course not, Mara. You don’t say anything at all. That’s the fuckingpoint.”
I jerked away from him, trying to overlay this man with the one I knew and loved. Not even an hour into deciding to tell him I loved him, and this was my reward.Way to go,Mara.
We stared at each other, and I tried to hide all the emotions I was sure cascaded across my features, but his were set in stone. He gritted his teeth one more time and stalked out of the room, slamming the door again behindhim.
The shaking started, and I didn’t realize until my knees began to knock against one another. I crumpled, and a cool hand fell on the back of my neck. “Just breathe,” Parker toldme.
How could I breathe without Murphy? He carried my heart, but also my lungs, my voice, my brain, and any other body part he felt like claiming. He walked out the door with them, and right now, I felt like an empty husk of a person. The sheer wrapping around corn stripped away for thetrash.
I pulled myself from Parker’s hands and swiped my notebook off the floor. As I walked to the door, I didn’t look at anyone. “I’m going to go,” I said at the exit and walked out, clutching the warped brown paper against mychest.
When I got back to my hotel, I feared seeing him. I feared looking into his eyes so full of anger and betrayal directed at me. Like I was capable of hurting him? Never. Not in a millionyears.
If the world crumbled to dust around our feet, I’d give him my very last breathe, if only to see his eyes as I fade. No. I shook Murphy from my head, everything from my head, and entered my hotel room. The few items on the desk had been swept off the edge, and the chair lay tilted on its side by thebed.
I couldn’t consider it now. Ignoring any signs of Murphy, including my rumpled sheets, I swept into the closet and grabbed my Army issue green duffel. It took minutes to throw all my possessions inside, latch it up, and strap it to myback.
The thought of leaving Murphy gutted me. And not fuckinggently.
But his words made it clear he didn’t want me anymore. Not the darkness, nor the pain, not the woman I was, or the one I clawed my waytoward.
I sat on the bed, the bag still strapped too me and studiously ignored the scent of his cologne and soap wafting from the sheets. “Was he right? Did I write all that to end itall?”
No. Why would I? In the short time I’d been back home, I’d found some semblance of happiness, of peace. The words I wrote were meant to convey what I was unable to put into words, and Murphy took them as partingsentiments.
“Would it be better on both of us if I left? Permanently? Obviously, better for Murphy, but I thought I was past thoughts like this. The ones which stole my breath and made me question my ownmortality.”
How would I do it? I traced the blue vein under my skin along my wrist. No. I wasn’t strong enough for something so violent. I had enough pain killers in my bag to put down an elephant. Seemed a more a peaceful way togo.
I lulled myself on thoughts of a world better off without one Mara Williams. And I rocked myself on dreams of no more pain, no more pitying glances, no more uncontrollable emotions. I’d be free. And Murphy would be free ofme.
I sat there on the bed, and all I needed to do was switch my bag around, take out the pills, and pour them down my throat. Simple, right. Too easy. But I couldn’t force myself into it. I’d spent weeks building something here, withMurphy.
I lovedhim.
I fucking loved thatman.
I stood up, threw my bag to the floor, and screamed. I let it all out the pain and rage and everything that welled up inside me telling me the world would be better off withme.
No. Fuckno.
I survived a God damn bullet to the brain bucket. Nothing like this would take meout.
I slid the cell phone out of my pocket and stared at the green squares lined up down the screen. One from Parker, three from Murphy before he showed up at the center. I wouldn’t read them. Icouldn’t.
The notebook I’d been using was all but ripped to shreds. I snagged it off the floor and lay it on the desk next to the notepad they provided for phonemessages.
If Murphy wanted a letter to read, I’d give himone.
