Page 83 of On the Slopes of Tahoe
I look back.
She doesn’t.
But I can tell she’s crying as she walks away, and my throat stings with unshed tears. I will not cry. I can’t. If I lose it, Willow will fall apart, and I can already feel her trembling under my arm. I pull her closer and try to send all my love into that touch.
It takes an hour and a half to get through security and to board our plane, but we’re finally seated comfortably on our first flight to Los Angeles. Willow leans against my side, legs pulled up under her, head on my chest. I wonder if she’ll always let me snuggle her like this. I hope so.
“Daddy.”
“Yeah, Willow?” I say against her hair.
She sits up and I look down into her blue eyes.
“Did you tell Rory you love her?”
My heart stutters, along with my brain. “Wh-what?”
“Before we left, did you tell her you love her?” Her eyes are wide, innocent and questioning.
I don’t know what to say. I’m blinking too fast and my breaths are shallow.
“You told me once when I saw you kissing Mom and thought it was gross that it was because you loved each other.”
I blink again. “Oh-kay…”
“I saw you kissing Rory while I was supposed to be in the bathroom,” she says, unapologetic. I purse my lips and tilt my head down in annoyance at her sneaking around. “What? I told you I didn’t need to go. Anyway, it’s okay if you forgot to tell her. I told her. So at least she knows.”
My heart cracks under the strain. Of course that’s what she said to Rory. I want to ask what Rory said in return, but those words were for Willow.
“I—thanks, sweetheart.” I pull her toward me and kiss her head so I don’t have to look in her eyes. Eyes that are like mine but belong to a girl who’s so much braver than me. Her willingness to put her heart out there after what she’s been through both inspires and terrifies me. I hate that I brought someone new into her life that she started to love and is now losing all over again. I hate it for me too.
“Daddy?” she whispers, and I tense with anticipation. “Why didn’t Rory come with us?”
I close my eyes against the swell of emotion, swallowing thickly. “Because her life is here.” A life I hope will flourish now that she’s doing what she really wants. A life I’ll only get to see through images, maybe phone calls, and the occasional visit.
“Why couldn’t we stay here then?”
“Because our life is in Sydney.” Even if it’s a life that feels entirely unfamiliar to me now.
“But Mom said she loved us and she left. It feels like we’re doing the same thing to Rory. I don’t want her to think we don’t love her.”
I sniff, staring at the ceiling again. This kid is killing me. She’s too smart, too observant, and it’s breaking my heart.
“I know you’re sad to leave, and so am I, but it’s not the same as when Mom left. Rory is our friend, and we have different lives. She knows we aren’t leaving because we don’t—” I can’t get the word out, so I stumble on without it. “We don’t always get to live near our friends, sweetheart. Like when Wes lived far away. I knew it was because that’s where his life took him, not because he didn’t care about me anymore.”
“Do you kiss all your friends?” she asks, a hint of sass to the question.
“No, I don’t. But you also weren’t supposed to see that.”
“Why not?”
So many questions.
“I-I don’t know. You’ve only ever seen me kiss your mom. I didn’t know what you’d think and I didn’t want to upset you. Kissing aside, Rory and I are just friends.”Lie. But then… that’s all we were ever supposed to be. Short-lived, an itch scratched, less overthinking. It was never meant to be more.
Then it was. And now it’s not.
“Okay.” Willow sighs, her body slumping in defeat. “I’m just really going to miss her.”
