Page 61 of On the Slopes of Tahoe
There’s a lot happening in my head, in my heart, in my gut right now. The emotions are threatening to overwhelm me, like they’re doing to Talia, but I need to be the one to hold her up now. I can be that guy for her. Maybe I can even be as good at this as my father was. That’s the goal. From this moment on, that’s the goal.
“Talia?” I gentle my voice.
She looks up from her hands, her eyes puffy and swollen. I lower myself next to her, draping an arm around her shoulders.
“It’s going to be okay. I promise. We’ve got this, yeah?” I kiss her head, but she jerks away.
“How will this be okay, Breck? I’m—” She breaks off on a sob. “Pregnant.” She forces the word from her lips.
“I know, Tal, I know. This wasn’t the plan, but I’m here. We will figure it out together.”
“You’re… you’re not mad?” Her lip quivers.
“Mad? No, Talia, I’m not mad. Honestly…” I let a smile grow on my face, pushing my dimples up my cheeks. “It might not be the timing I would’ve chosen, but I’ve always wanted to be a dad.”
What crosses her face looks more like anguish than anything else. This is a much bigger shock for her than it is for me. I understand that. Everything she knows about her body is about to change unexpectedly, but I can be here in every way possible to make this easier for her.
“I don’t… I didn’t think I would ever be a mom.” She looks away, and her admission feels like a punch.
Does she not want this? I mean, beyond the shock, beyond just being freaked out. Does she truly not want this at all? Not with me, not with anyone? My heart constricts in my chest.
“Talia… I know it’s only been a few months, but I’m all in with you, with this baby, if you want me to be.” I give her an imploring look and hope she sees that I’ll support her. She won’t ever have to do this alone. I know she didn’t have a positive experience growing up with a single mom. She doesn’t want that for her own life.
I hold her eyes, bring my lips to hers in a gentle kiss, and silently beg her to let me be there for her, for them. I beg her to let me in, to let me try.
When she pulls back, her eyes are tipped down, but there’s a small smile on her lips. She nods, and that tiny movement lights me up from the inside out. My smile grows wider and I hug her to me. I whisper that I’ll always be there for her, that she’ll never have to do this life alone.
Eight months and thirty-six hours of active labor later, I think Talia just might want to kill me for this. We both knowher getting pregnant wasn’t completely my fault—turns out condoms really do break and birth control isn’t as effective when you’re on prescription antibiotics—but for the moment, she gets to blame me all she wants because she’s the one pushing a tiny human out of her body.
She squeezes my hand so hard I wince, but I suffer in silence, rubbing her back as she pushes through another contraction. The doctors and nurses, the beeping and noise… it’s overwhelming in this small space, but my sole focus is the woman in front of me who just made me a father.
The doctor lifts the crying, wiggling mess up so we can see her.
Her.
“It’s a girl,” he says, and I go weak at the knees.
Talia didn’t want to find out the sex ahead of time and the suspense has been killing me. A girl. My cheeks hurt from the way my smile overtakes my face. I turn to Talia, who’s slumped back against the bed in exhaustion, and I beam with pride.
“Want to do the honors, Dad?” The doctor holds out the scissors for me to cut the umbilical cord and I am the proudest dad there ever was. Dad. Tears form in my eyes as I wish mine could be here right now. I wish he could meet his granddaughter. The tears slip over with the snick of the scissors. The doctor quickly finishes what I started and hands our daughter to Talia. Her sleepy eyes take in the tiny creature in her arms and there’s a small smile on her lips when she looks at me.
Rearranging the baby on her chest, she reaches for me and skims her thumb across my cheek, wiping a tear away. I can’t stop them as I take her in. Sweat-slicked hair in a messy bun, no make-up, IV in her hand… but with our daughter in her arms, I’ve never loved her more or thought she was more beautiful. She’s going to be an amazing mom.
“I love you.” I lean in and kiss her forehead, lingering there for a moment. My fingers come to the tiny body in her arms, lightly tracking to wrap around an itty bitty foot. “I’m in awe of you, Talia. Look what you brought into the world.” She glances down at the same moment I do and stares like she can’t believe it either.
“Thank you for making me a father.” I kiss her. This is it. This is my family. This is all I ever wanted. “Marry me.”
She gasps against my lips and pulls back. It’s not the first time I’ve asked, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I asked her the night she told me she was pregnant and she said no—said she wasn’t ready. I’ve been persistent, asking her every month since, but she keeps telling me no. It’s become a bit of a running joke.
“Thought it was worth a try.”
She laughs and kisses me again. “It was a nice try, but the answer is still no.” I know it’s not her rejectingme. It’s her rejecting the need to get married in order to be a family. Marriage just isn’t important to her, and though it is to me, it isn’t something that’s worth fighting over. We’re a family regardless, and a piece of paper or a ceremony isn’t going to change that.
“Your turn.” She adjusts the baby, and I quickly pull my T-shirt over my head so I can be skin to skin with her. The books all said it’s important, and I’m nothing if not a perfect student. I take my baby girl in my arms and feel everything inside me melt. My heart no longer beats only in my chest but in her tiny one as well. A nurse hands me a swaddle to wrap around us, and I take it without once looking away from the bow of her lips or the button size of her little nose.
Sitting down in the rocking chair next to the bed, I tuck her more closely into my chest and place the blanket over us both. A hand fights its way out and I reach for it. Her fingers wraparound one of mine and I know, without a doubt, that I’ll never be the same.
“You look pretty content over there.” Talia’s quiet voice pulls me out of the haze of baby love.
