Page 73 of A Love Like Christmas Time
“I’m sorry,” I press out quickly, wiping my cheeks, stepping aside to let him in. “I’m a little in my feelings.”
Suddenly it’s all crashing down on me, a wave of emotions pulling me under. The anxiety of leaving my old life behind. Being unsure about what to do with my future. Happiness about being back home. Sadness about the family I wish I had. Anger about my dad thinking he’s entitled to my help.
“Sorry, sorry.” I scoop up Taytay and cuddle her to my chest as I wade back to my kitchen. “It’s good to see you, Caleb.”
“Likewise,” he presses out, and I stop, a cold hand gripping my heart. He sounds almost angry.
“What’s going on?” I wipe away the tears from my cheeks with my sleeves and slowly turn around to look at him.
“Coming back here is making you so anxious you cry?” he asks in disbelief, his voice colder than the snow outside.
My chest aches, suddenly too tight for every emotion tugging on my heart. Tears blur my vision, and I angrily blink them away. I clear my throat and turn back around.
“I need a coffee.”
I hear his angry footsteps following me. Take a breath, Lauren. Count to ten.
“Why are you running away?”
I turn on my coffee machine and lean my back against my kitchen counter. Taytay is squirming in myarms, so and carefully set her down, watching her sprint off to take her rightful place on the cat tree.
“Caleb,” I say softly, as I straighten my back. “I need to put a pause on this conversation. I know you’re anxious and that my being away was a big deal. That's okay. I understand that. But I’m back. I told you several times I have no intention of leaving again. And right now, I can’t deal with you taking your insecurities out on me.”
“Then what am I supposed to think?” He gestures dramatically around my living room. “Yes, you’re back, but it’s making you so upset you’re fucking crying. How can I believe that you won’t leave again at the first opportunity?”
“You’re not supposed tothink. You’re supposed to listen to trust me. To listen to me. I’ve spent half a day in a car, driving ahead of a damned snowstorm, trying to get back here as soon as possible because I missed home. And you.” I let out an exasperated sigh. “You can’t expect me to be fine after closing the door on my old life for good and the emotional rollercoaster that comes with seeing my dad. Do you seriously expect me to justify having emotions?”
He watches me, his jaw flexing, his shoulders tight, and I hold his hard stare. A numb pain is throbbing in my temples, and I’m fucking tired.
“Tonight, I have my own emotions to deal with, and I need to prioritize that.” I clear my throat, trying to make the knot in my throat go away. “I understand that you’ve been anxious and why. I know you probably need an outlet and reassurance. But right now, I can’t catch that.” My voice breaks, and I force myself to take a deep breath. “I need some time to feel my emotions, talk through them with Nic once I can think clearer. Andmaybethen I can be in an emotional space to be available for your issues.”
“Okay, then talk tome!” he says exasperatedly, throwing his hands in the air.
“Caleb!” I snap. “I hate to break it to you, but I don’t know you well enough for that yet.” His face falls, and regret crawls up my throat as soon as the words leave my mouth. I take a deep breath and add, more softly, “I know you keep people at a distance and push them away because you’re scared they won’t stay. It’s what you’re doing right now.”
His Adam’s apple moves as he swallows hard. I walk over to him, reaching for his hand. It’s stiff and cold, but I still lace my fingers with his. “I know you take your coffee black with the tiniest splash of milk when nobody is looking. I know you’re the guy in town that everyone knows they can call if they have problems. That you’re observant and loyal and there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for the people you do let in. And it’s why I lo—” I stop myself and swallow down the word. “—like you.” I take a deep breath. “But this?” I point between the two of us. “It’s fresh and still fragile. I can’t gauge whether talking about issues with my family is going to hurt you yet. When you’re listening to me yap about my issues, I don’t know if you’re masking your pain and putting on a brave face, trying to be a hero while it’s tearing old wounds open.”
“How about you take me at face value?”
“I would do that if it weren’t for your impenetrable poker face. It’s not as if you wear your heart on your sleeve and let people see how you feel.”
“Excuse me for having a resting murder face.”
“Okay, Caleb, stop. This is not going anywhere.” I rub my palm over my face and take a deep breath before unlacing our fingers and turning to the coffee machine to turn it off. Exhaustion is pulling me under, and even coffee won’t be able to fix that. Only sleep. When I’m done, I turn back to him, hands on the kitchen counter behind me, and look him square in the eye. “I’m back. I have no intention of leaving again. We should probably put everything else on hold until tomorrow, when we’re both in a better frame of mind.”
“Fine,” he snaps.
“Fine,” I repeat in a mocking tone that makes him narrow his eyes at me. “We’re going to have a tiny problem though.” I nod towards my kitchen window. “You’re not going anywhere today.”
Snowflakes are falling quickly and rapidly, almost resembling rain, piling up on the ground fast, the wind howling and tree branches swaying dangerously.
“I can still make it home,” Caleb insists and walks off like a petulant child. I’m just waiting for him to stomp his foot.
“Caleb!” I shout angrily and rush after him. When he opens the door, snowflakes flutter into my hallway, a gust of ice-cold wind sending goosebumps all over my skin. I grab his jacket and stop him. “Where exactly do you think you’re going? Your tires are already snowed in halfway.” I point to his car. But he is still stubbornly determined to go, his jaw ticking.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Cut it out, Caleb.” I pull him back in and kick the door closed. “I’m not going to let you leave in the middle of the night when it’s snowing this heavily and you can’t even see the street through the snow. And especially not when you’re emotional.” Our eyes lock, both of us too stubborn to back down. Yet, fight or not, I’ve fallen for the guy. I’d rather not have him slide off the road and freeze to death. “Take your fucking shoes off and get ready to spend the night here.”
