Page 178 of Tiger's Quest

I bit my hand to hold back a sob and gasped. They heard me.

“Kells?” Kishan said.

I ran up the steps.

“Kells! Wait!”

I heard Kishan following me and ran up the stairs as fast as I could. I knew if I didn’t hurry, one of them would catch me. Slamming the laundry room door behind me, I ran up the other flight of stairs, into my bathroom, and locked the door. I crawled into the dry tub and pulled my knees to my chest. An assortment of knocks fell upon the door— some gentle, some insistent and harsh, some barely audible. Everyone seemed to take a turn. Even Ren. Eventually, they left me alone.

I clutched my heart. The connection between us was gone. The beautiful bouquet of tiger lilies that I’d nourished and cared for since Ren’s absence dried up. My heart was devastated by merciless drought. One by one, the soft, fragrant petals turned brown and fell off the stem.

No amount of coaxing, trimming, watering, or cutting was going to save them. It was winter. The stems shriveled. The blooms were spent. Old, broken petals were crushed into dust and were blown away by a stiff, hot wind. All that remained were a few brown stumps—a sad memoriam to a once precious and priceless arrangement.

Late that night, I emerged from my room, put on sneakers, and grabbed the keys to my new car. Unnoticed, I quietly left the house and slipped into the smooth leather seat. Speeding down the road with the top down, I drove until I found myself at a viewing point atop a hill overlooking the wide forested valley below. Reclining the seat, I lay back, looked up at the stars, and thought about constellations.

My dad had once told me about the North Star. He had said that mariners could always rely on it. It never deviated. It was always there, always dependable.What was its other name? Ah, Polaris.I searched for the Big Dipper but I couldn’t see it. I remembered Dad said it was only visible in the northern hemisphere. He said there was no other constellation like it in the southern hemisphere. It was a unique celestial phenomenon.

Ren had said once that he was as constant as the North Star. He had been my Polaris. Now, I had no center. No guide. I felt despair sneaking through me again. Then a tiny voice inside me, with a similar sarcastic wit to my mother’s, reminded me,Just because you can’t see the star doesn’t mean it’s not there. It might be hidden from view for a while, but you can rest assured that it still shines brightly somewhere.

Maybe someday that spark will be found again. Maybe I’d waste my life seeking it. I was adrift on an ocean of loneliness. A mariner without a star to follow. Could I be happy without him? I didn’t even want to consider it.

I’d experienced loss. My parents were gone. Ren was . . . gone. ButIwas still here. I still had things to accomplish. I had a job to do. I’d done this before, and I could do it again. Push through the pain and move on with life. If I could find love with someone along the way, then so be it. If I couldn’t, then I would do my best to be happy by myself. I’d suffered when Ren was gone before, and I’d suffer now, but I’d survive.

I reasoned,There’s no denying that I loved him and still do, but there are lots of things to be happy about.The Ocean Teacher said that the purpose of life is to be happy. The Divine Weaver told me not to become disheartened when the pattern doesn’t suit. She said I should wait and watch and be patient and devoted.

The threads of my life are all tangled and jumbled up. I don’t know if I’ll ever get them straightened out. The fabric of my existence is pretty ugly right now. All I can do is hold onto my faith, believing that someday I’ll see the light of that bright star again.

I once told Ren that our story wasn’t over.

And it’s not.

Not yet.