Page 61 of That Wedding (That Boy 2)
"You looking for this?" he says, holding up the bracelet.
Without even thinking, I hug him tightly with relief. I take in a big breath and am engulfed by Phillip's scent. The scent that smells like home.
"Phillip, oh my God, you have it! I thought I lost it when I was here earlier!"
"Don't act like you lost it. It didn't fall off you. I found it hooked to the swing's chain." He gives me that look. The look you get when you get caught in a lie. "Where have you been? Why did you leave the bracelet here?"
"Because I thought we were over, Phillip. I couldn't stand to look at it because it represented failure. My failure."
"But you came back for it. Why?"
I get tears in my eyes. "Because it's the story of our life."
Phillip looks around. "And this is where it all began."
I smile. "I know."
"It it gonna end here too?"
"Phillip, we really need to talk."
"Well, that doesn't sound very promising." He sighs big and sits on a swing.
"Why did you ask me to marry you on our first date?"
He grimaces. "However I say this, it's gonna sound bad."
"Just tell me."
"We were finally together, something I wanted for a very long time. I felt like I had to move fast. Get engaged, get married, before you could change your mind. I know I've been pushing you. You kept trying to tell me how you were feeling. I avoided it. If you wanna back out, I understand. I just thought if we could make it a few more weeks, we'd be married."
"And I'd be stuck with you?"
"Yeah, maybe." He looks at me with pleading eyes. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"
"I make you horny?" I give him a teeny smile.
"Jadyn."
"I'm joking, but here's the more important question, Phillip. Do you have any idea what you do to me? You seem to think it's this one sided thing. That you love me more than I love you just because you think you figured it out before I did. I know everyone thinks I'm oblivious. That I didn't see it, but I knew. Remember when we were kids, and we'd stare up at the stars and think about how infinitely big the universe is and how small we felt in comparison? How it's like awe-inspiring?"
"Yeah?"
"That's how I've felt about you all these years. When you asked me to marry you in fourth grade, I prayed that I would. When you told me you loved me after spin the bottle, I wanted to say, I love you too. When we were in the chapel at the hospital, you told me you loved me again. I knew you meant it. When you'd take your shirt off in front of me, I tried so hard not to drool. Every night when you answered your phone with, Hey Princess, I melted. When you'd fall asleep studying in my bed, I never woke you up because I loved waking up in your arms. I kinda hurt Danny's feelings when I didn't ask him to sit with me at the funeral. I lied and told him it was because I was confused about our relationship, but really it was because there was no one else I wanted by my side. And I'm not dumb or oblivious, Phillip. I just felt so small in comparison to how big our love felt. I wasn't ready for it yet. That day we first slept together, I thought I was ready. I thought I'd grown up, but I hadn't. Since my parents died, I haven't really cared about anything that much. Win. Lose. Succeed. Fail. It was all part of the adventure, all part of the game. With you, I care. I care so much."
"Do you really feel that way?"
"Yes, I really do. Why did you come here, Phillip? To the playground?"
"What do you think I've been doing for the last five hours, besides calling you? I've been looking for you. Have you even checked your phone?"
I look down and shake my head no. "I was crying, Phillip. I haven't really let myself cry since the night of the funeral." I look at him and bite my lip. I don't even try to push back the tears. I don't think I could stop them if I tried. "I went to their grave."
His eyes get big. "You did? You said you were never going there."
I clutch my hand to my chest. "I know. I think maybe I didn't deal with it, Phillip. I think I'm broken. I've been pretending I'm okay, but I'm not. It still hurts, and I cried. I cried a lot."
Phillip chuckles and points to my face. "Um, I can kinda tell you've been crying."
"Do I look like a raccoon?"
"Maybe just a little." He pulls out a hankie and hands it to me. I wipe some of the mascara from my face. "You still look beautiful to me."
"I think I cried all four years worth of the tears I've been holding inside me. I miss them, Phillip. I don't think I'll ever stop missing them."
He nods his head at me.
"We did a good job on the headstone. It turned out really nice."
Phillip pulls me into his arms, the way he always does when I need him. "I know it did. I've been there a few times. You know, you don't have to be strong with me."
I nod my head as he continues. "And I'm sorry. I've been looking for you because I need to tell you something. I knew you were gonna blow. I saw the signs that night in Lincoln. You told me about your cold feet, about settling, and about all your bad dreams. I knew you were getting scared, but I kept pushing you. I'll wait. If you need more time, I'll wait. We can postpone the wedding. I'm done pushing you."
He gives me those eyes, those eyes that make me melt, that are like some sort of stealth ray that sneaks in and wipes out my defenses.
"Remember how I said you always know what I need?"
He nods. "Yeah."
"I needed a push, Phillip. I needed you to push me, otherwise, I wouldn't have freaked. I needed to feel like we were over to know that there's no way I'd ever let us be over. I never want us to be over, Phillip. Never, ever." I give him a little smirk. "Although we clearly failed couple's counseling."
"Couple's counseling was shit."
"You told me I needed to take it seriously."
"Maybe I was wrong." He tilts his head. "You're shivering." He stands up, takes his coat off, and wraps it around me. Then he leans his body into mine. "No wonder you're shivering, you're soaking wet."
"I was maybe laying in the snow when I was crying," I chuckle. I'm such a freaking loser.
He runs his warm hands inside my shirt to warm me up. I want to throw him into the snow and kiss him, but I can't. We have to get through this first.
"So I wrote down everything you said," he tells me as he pulls out his phone. I can see he's typed a little list. Only Phillip would've written down everything I jumbled out and written a rebuttal. I don't even remember what all I said. "But first, I have to know. Did anything happen when you were in the back room with Bradley? Did you kiss?"
"No, Phillip. I couldn't. He sort of leaned up against me, which should've felt familiar, but it felt all wrong. I think you ruined me. I don't think I could ever be with anyone else. I told Bradley if you dumped me, I'd have to become a nun."
Phillip laughs. It's good to see him smile. "Okay, good. So I made a pros and cons list."
I laugh too. "Like the one you made me in high school when you wanted to talk me out of sleeping with Jake?"
"Yep. And like the one I made when I decided to tell you how I felt about you."
"You made a list for that? Can I see it?"
"Let's stick to this list, okay? So, the pros. First one is that we solve our conflicts with sex."
"Phillip, that's supposed to be a bad thing."
He flashes me that sexy grin. "Yeah, I know, but I respectfully disagree with Pastor on that one." He touches my cold cheek with his warm hand. "Next on the list is that you know how to manipulate me."
"What? That should be a con too. I'm not supposed to manipulate you."
"That's where you're wrong. I love that you can. I love that sexy little pout. I love letting you think you got your way. You didn't trick me into buying the house. I wanted it just as much as you did. I was being stubborn about the money part of it, trying to wear the pants. You knew what was best for us."
"I hope the pants are on the cons list."
He looks deep
into my eyes. "Princess, there's nothing on the cons list." Then he smiles at me and says, "Moving on. The next pro is that you have a past."
I squint my eyes at him. "That makes no sense either."
"You're the single biggest part of my past. I love that. And the last pro is that we spend too much time together. I love that we do, so maybe that means we're both a little screwed up. And that stupid questionnaire, so we answered the questions differently. So we haven't figured it all out yet. We will. We're different people, and we have different ways of thinking. We aren't the same. We compliment each other."
"Two messed up halves that make one perfect whole?"
"Exactly," he says.
"I wanna marry you, Phillip. I don't care what anyone thinks. In fact, tomorrow, we're going to our last couple's counseling session, and we're going to tell Pastor John his counseling sucks, we're getting married, and he can kiss our asses."
"We're also going to burn those chairs. Do you not hate those stupid checkerboard chairs?"
I told you he can read my mind. "I love you, Phillip. So, I'm in, like if you still are."
Phillip gets an excited look on his face. "Speaking of that. I found us a song."
"You can't just find us any song. We have to have a song."
He puts his finger up to my lips, shushing me, then puts an earbud in my ear. He loads up a song on his phone. "This is a country song by Keith Urban. I know you don't really like country, but just listen to it."
As I listen to the song, my mind is transported back to Phillip's spring formal.
He walks up to me, grabs my hand, and leads me out onto the dance floor.
He looks so incredibly handsome tonight. His broad shoulders in a black suit, the silver paisley tie he bought to perfectly match the silver dress he helped me pick out. The one he told me I looked so hot in, every guy in the room would be jealous of him.
He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him.
The song is slow, and we're barely moving, barely swaying.
My face is nuzzled into the corner of Phillip's neck.
The spot where I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.
The spot that I once kissed trying to make another guy jealous.
The spot that I'm dying to kiss right now.
OH MY GOSH!
I rip the earbud out of my ear.
"Phillip!! Is this that song? That song we danced to at your formal? When you sang in my ear? Something about being a lover and a friend? Is this that song!!?"
Phillip grins at me. "Yeah, it is."
The tears come rushing back, but these are different tears. These are happy tears. Our marriage isn't going to fail. We're going to be just fine. "So we already had a song?"
