Page 55 of Love, Second Chances and Other Nonsense
I toss my phone onto the couch and head for the shower, hoping hot water might wash away some of the guilt that clings to me like a second skin. Under the spray, I close my eyes and see Caitlin’s face, the way she looked when she told me she was staying, buying her grandmother’s house, building a life without me. She’d looked peaceful, certain. More herself than she had in months. And that’s the worst part, knowing that I’d been slowly erasing her, piece by piece, letting my family and Millie crowd her out until she couldn’t breathe.
After the shower, I pull on clean clothes and glance at my phone again. Three more missed calls. I turn it off completely and grab my keys. I can’t stay in this apartment with its ghostsand memories. I need to talk to the one person who might understand, who isn’t invested in pushing me back into the role I never wanted.
I need to talk to Lauren.
The drive to Lauren’s house takes me past familiar landmarks, the high school where Millie and I were crowned homecoming royalty, the restaurant I first took Caitlin too when we moved here (and where the waitress had gushed repeatedly about cute Millie and I had been together in high school), the park where I’d spent countless hours with the Greene family during summer picnics. Everything here is saturated with history, with expectations. I can’t look at a single street corner without seeing the shadow of who I was supposed to be.
Lauren’s house sits on a quiet street lined with maple trees, their bare branches reaching toward a gray sky that threatens snow. Her car isn’t in the driveway, but Jake’s truck is. I hesitate for a moment before getting out. Jake and I have always gotten along fine, but we’ve never been particularly close. Still, right now, anyone who isn’t my mother or Millie seems like a safe harbor.
I knock, and Jake answers, surprise registering on his face before he masks it with a welcoming smile. “Hey Adam. Come on in.” He steps aside to let me in. “Lauren’s not home from work yet. She stopped to get some groceries.”
“Sorry for just dropping by,” I say, stepping into their warm living room. “I can come back later if—”
“Nah, man, it’s fine.” Jake closes the door behind me. “Want a beer? I was just about to grab one myself.”
I nod, relieved at the lack of questions. Jake disappears into the kitchen and returns with two bottles, handing one to me before settling into his recliner. I take the couch, trying not to remember the last time I was here. Lauren and Jake had invited us over for a movie night. I’d sat in this same spot, withCaitlin beside me, my arm around her, and she’d hidden her face against my chest during the scary scenes.
“So,” Jake says after a long pull from his beer, “Heard Oregon didn’t go as planned.”
I shake my head, staring at the bottle in my hands. “She wouldn’t even see me after that first day. Her uncle finally told me to leave.”
Jake nods slowly. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”
I look up sharply. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He meets my gaze directly, something most people in my life don’t do when uncomfortable truths are on the table. “It means you treated her like shit, Adam. What did you expect?”
The bluntness of his words lands like a slap. I open my mouth to defend myself, then close it again. He’s right. I know he’s right. “I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until it was too late,” I finally say, the excuse lacking even to my own ears.
Jake lets out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, well, that’s the thing about taking people for granted. You don’t notice until they’re gone.” He takes another sip of his beer. “For what it’s worth, Lauren and I feel pretty crappy about the whole thing too.”
“You do?” This surprises me. Lauren and Jake had always been polite to Caitlin, even friendly at times, but they’d never seemed particularly invested in our relationship.
“Yeah.” Jake looks uncomfortable. “We should have said something when your mom and Hailey were pulling that passive-aggressive crap. When Millie was always ‘in crisis’ whenever you and Caitlin had plans.” He makes air quotes around “in crisis,” his expression skeptical. “At the time we didn’t feel it was our place, you know? And honestly…” He hesitates.
“What?” I prompt.
Jake sighs. “Honestly, we wondered if you were just using Caitlin as a buffer. To keep your mom off your back about Millie.Which still wouldn’t have been okay, by the way. But if that was the case, it wasn’t our business.”
His words hit me like a gut punch. “Using her? You thought I was using her?”
“What were we supposed to think?” Jake’s voice rises slightly. “You ditched her constantly for Millie. You mom treated her like garbage, and you never stood up for her, not once that I saw.” He shakes his head. “But then, when she left, you looked like someone had ripped your heart out. That’s when we realized you actually cared about her.”
“Of course I cared about her!” I snap, setting my beer down with too much force. “I love her. I was going to marry her.”
“Then why did you let them treat her that way?” Jake asks, his voice quieter now but no less direct. “Why abandon her for Millie on Halloween and let your friends treat her like crap? Why leave her alone on Thanksgiving? Why did you let your mom talk about her like she was some temporary mistake you’d grow out of? How long did you expect her to put up with all that?”
I drop my head into my hands as the questions pile on me like stones. “I don’t know,” I whisper. “I was trying to keep everyone happy. I thought if I could just balance it all, give everyone what they needed—”
“Except Caitlin,” Jake interrupts. “She didn’t get what she needed, did she?”
“No,” I admit, the word barely audible. “She didn’t.”
We sit in silence for a moment. Finally, Jake speaks again, his tone gentler. “Look, I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down. But Lauren’s been really torn up about this. She considers herself a good person, you know? Someone who stands up for what’s right. But she didn’t stand up for Caitlin, and neither did I. Like I said, we’re both feeling pretty shitty about that.”
I look up at him, surprised again. “Lauren feels guilty?”
Jake nods. “Yeah, man. She does. We both do.” He takes another sip of his beer. “Your family can be… a lot. Especially your mom. And we all just fall in line because it’s easier. But watching what happened with Caitlin…” He shakes his head. “It made us realize we’re part of the problem too.”
