Page 28 of Love, Second Chances and Other Nonsense
Now, I’m not sure what home means anymore. I’m not sure I have one anymore.
* * *
Sunday arrives, and I’m feeling almost excited about my date with Adam. I’ve put on the green dress that I know is his favorite. My hair falls in soft blonde waves past my shoulders, and I take special care with my makeup.
Adam whistles when I emerge from the bedroom. “You look incredible.”
His phone buzzes before I can answer. I watch his face change as he reads the text.
“It’s Rhonda,” he says, and my heart sinks. “Millie’s having an anxiety attack, and Rhonda is worried.”
“Adam, no.” I already know where this is going.
“I’ll just stop by for a few minutes to make sure she’s okay,” he says, grabbing his keys. “You head to the restaurant and get us a table. I’ll meet you there in thirty minutes tops.”
I want to argue, to remind him of his promise, but the set of his jaw tells me it’s pointless. “Fine. Don’t be late.”
He kisses me quickly. “I won’t. I love you.”
I sit alone at the restaurant for nearly an hour. I order wine. I check my phone. I make excuses to the sympathetic waitress. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t text. I finally pay for my single glass of wine and drive home, my fancy dress and carefully applied makeup feeling like a cruel joke.
The house is dark when I arrive. I change into sweats and curl up in my favorite armchair.
It’s past eleven when headlights finally sweep across the driveway. Adam comes in looking defeated.
Neither of us says anything. Adam collapses on the couch, head and shoulders bent, hands clasped in front of him.
“I’m so sorry, Caitlin. So, so sorry. Millie hasn’t had a panic attack that bad since the funeral. It took a long time to get her calmed down. I just–”
“You just couldn’t even take thirty seconds to let me know you weren’t coming?” I ask, my voice dead, with no hint of emotion.
“It was chaos. Rhonda was beside herself, and Millie was…well, I just wasn’t thinking straight. I’m so sorry.”
“I think we should break up.” The words surprise me as much as they surprise him. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“What? No!” Panic flashes across his face, and in a flash he’s off the couch and kneeling in front of me. “Please don’t do this.”
“I don’t want to do this anymore, Adam. Ever since Eric died, I’ve been invisible to you. I moved to a place where I know no one and have no one except you. I did it so that we could be together. And I feel so abandoned. You’re never here. You don’t keep your promises. Millie always comes first for you.”
“Please.” His voice cracks. “I love you. I’ll do better. I’ll set boundaries with Millie, I swear.”
“You’ve said that before. We have had this exact conversation so many times before.”
“This time I mean it.” He takes my hands. “Please, Caitlin. One more chance. I can’t lose you.”
I look down at him, at the dimples that appear even when he’s trying to frown, at the dark eyes that first made me believe in love at first sight. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I’m just too tired to pack my bags tonight.
“One more chance,” I whisper. “But I mean it, Adam. One more.”
He pulls me into his arms, mumbling thank you and promises against my hair. I let him hold me, but some part of me is already planning what I’ll take and what I’ll leave behind when this chance inevitably runs out.
8
Chapter 8
Caitlin
Our apartment feels oddly empty now that Adam’s family has gone back to Iowa. For five days, the space was filled with voices, laughter, and the constant push-pull of family dynamics. Now it’s just us again, and I replay moments from their visit, searching for clues in facial expressions and offhand comments, trying to figure out if I passed some unspoken test. Adam seems relieved they’re gone and thinks everything went well, but I can’t shake this knot of anxiety in my stomach, this feeling that Paula, in particular, was measuring me against some standard I couldn’t see.
