Page 43 of Love, Second Chances and Other Nonsense
“Who is it? Do I know them?”
“A friend from work,” I say, the lie coming to me easily. “I don’t believe you’ve met them.”
Things get quiet and awkward for a moment after that. Gerald looks confused. Lauren and Jake look as if they’d rather be anywhere else. Paula’s eyes are narrowed, sensing something she can’t quite identify. Adam looks slightly panicked, caught between confusion about where and who I’ll be with on Thanksgiving and worry about what else I might say. Hailey just looks like she is relishing the drama.
“Well,” Gerald says finally, trying desperately to regain some control of the evening, “our dinner is going to get cold if we don’t dig in.”
Dinner itself is an exercise in passive aggression. Paula mentions the cruise at every opportunity, describing the cabin arrangements (Adam has his own, we don’t want you to worry about that), the special Thanksgiving dinner the cruise will host (Millie bought a new dress specially), and how Rhonda is so grateful for Adam’s support.
Each time, I respond with enthusiastic interest, asking questions about the itinerary and suggesting activities they might enjoy. My persistent cheerfulness visibly frustrates Paula, who keeps glancing at Hailey as if to say, “What’s wrong with her?”
Adam attempts to change the subject repeatedly, bringing up neutral topics like his father’s golf game or the new businesses going in downtown. But Paula and Hailey circle back to the cruise like sharks scenting blood, waiting for me to finally crack.
I don’t give them the satisfaction.
“It’s so good that Adam will be there for Millie,” I say when Paula mentions for the third time how emotional the holiday will be for the Greenes. “She needs someone stable in her life right now. Someone who understands her history.”
Paula blinks momentarily speechless. Even she can’t argue with my apparent selflessness. Adam, however, looks increasingly miserable, pushing food around his plate and downing his wine too quickly.
By the time we leave, Paula and Hailey are both visibly annoyed by their failure to provoke me, and Adam is a bundle of nerves. The drive home is silent until we pull into the apartment parking lot.
“What’s going on with you?” he finally asks, turning off the engine but making no move to get out of the car. “And don’t tell me ‘nothing’ again.”
I look out the window at the apartment we’ve shared for months but that’s never really felt like home. “I’m just trying to be supportive,” I say. “Isn’t that what you want?”
“Not like this.” His voice cracks with frustration. “Not when it feels like you’re mocking me.”
“How am I mocking you? I’m giving you exactly what you asked for, understanding about Millie, about the cruise, aboutyour family’s needs. I’m putting everyone else first, just like you do.”
He flinches as if I’ve slapped him. “That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?” I turn to face him fully. “Name one time since we moved here that you’ve put me first. One time you’ve stood up to your mother for me. That you’ve chosen what I needed over what everyone else wanted from you.”
His silence is answer enough.
* * *
The days until his departure pass in a blur of artificial normalcy. I go through the motions, making meals, watching TV beside him, saying all the right things, while finalizing my escape plan.
There isn’t much to take. I’d been traveling for years before I met Adam, so I honestly just don’t own much. Most of the furniture in our apartment is all from Ikea. The kitchenware and dishes came from the thrift store. We bought it all together when we moved in, and I’m leaving it all behind.
The car I drive is in Adam’s name. He bought it for me in Colorado, when the beater I was driving died and I wasn’t able to afford a replacement. I’m leaving it behind. I won’t give Paula any excuse to call me a gold digger or say I stole from her son.
The only thing that will truly hurt to leave behind is the cherry-wood coffee Adam made me for my birthday that last year in Colorado. It had felt like a sign that I’d finally found my home, my person. Now it’s just a reminder of everything we’d never have.
On the morning Adam leaves for the cruise, he stands next to his luggage in the living room, looking lost. He hasn’t been sleeping well, and it’s clear in the dark circles beneath his eyes.It’s so early the sun hasn’t even risen yet. Hailey will drive him and Millie to the airport, and he’s just waiting for her to arrive.
“Are we okay, Caitlin?” he asks, and I almost laugh at the absurdity of the question.
“Do you honestly think we are okay, Adam?” My voice is soft, all the false cheerfulness of the past weeks gone.
He crosses to me, taking my hands in his and running his thumb over the ring that still sits on the finger of my left hand. “I’ll make it okay when I get back,” he promises. “Things will be better. I promise.”
I have nothing to say to this, and for a moment we just stand there, staring at each other. We both startle when Hailey’s car horn honks, announcing her arrival.
Adam kisses me goodbye and turns, picking up his luggage.
For a moment at the door he stops and hesitates, looking back at me. He seems genuinely torn, and later, I would wonder what would have happened if he’d stayed. If in that last moment, he’d chosen me after all. How different would our paths have been? But Hailey honks again, and the moment is broken. He turns and leaves. I watch from the window as the car disappears down the street and then collapse on the couch, giving myself over to the pain.
