Page 63 of Shadow and Bone (The Grisha 1)
I knew I should stay silent, play the diplomat, but I couldn’t help myself. “You haven’t given me anything. You’ve made me a slave. ”
“That’s never what I intended, Alina. ” He ran a hand over his jaw, his expression fatigued, frustrated, human. But how much of it was real and how much was pretense? “I couldn’t take chances,” he said. “Not with the power of the stag, not with Ravka’s future hanging in the balance. ”
“Don’t pretend this is about Ravka’s welfare. You lied to me. You’ve been lying to me since the moment I met you. ”
His long fingers tightened around the glass. “Did you deserve my trust?” he asked, and for once, his voice was less than steady and cold. “Baghra whispers a few accusations in your ear, and off you go. Did you ever stop to think of what it would mean for me, for all of Ravka, if you just disappeared?”
“You didn’t give me much choice. ”
“Of course you had a choice. And you chose to turn your back on your country, on everything that you are. ”
“That isn’t fair. ”
“Fairness!” he laughed. “Still she talks of fairness. What does fairness have to do with any of this? The people curse my name and pray for you, but you’re the one who was ready to abandon them. I’m the one who will give them power over their enemies. I’m the one who will free them from the tyranny of the King. ”
“And give them your tyranny in return. ”
“Someone has to lead, Alina. Someone has to end this. Believe me, I wish there were another way. ”
He sounded so sincere, so reasonable, less a creature of relentless ambition than a man who believed he was doing the right thing for his people. Despite all he’d done and all he intended, I did almost believe him. Almost.
I gave a single shake of my head.
He slumped back in his chair. “Fine,” he said with a weary shrug. “Make me your villain. ” He set his empty glass down and stood. “Come here. ”
Fear shot through me, but I made myself rise and close the distance between us. He studied me in the firelight. He reached out and touched Morozova’s collar, letting his long fingers spread over the rough bone, then slide up my neck to cradle my face with one hand. I felt a jolt of revulsion, but I also felt the sure, intoxicating force of him. I hated that it still had an effect on me.
“You betrayed me,” he said softly.
I wanted to laugh. I had betrayed him? He had used me, seduced me, and now enslaved me, and I was the betrayer? But I thought of Mal and swallowed my anger and my pride. “Yes,” I said. “I’m sorry for that. ”
He laughed. “You’re not sorry for any of it. The only thought you have is for the boy and his miserable life. ”
I said nothing.
“Tell me,” he said, his grip tightening painfully, his fingertips pressing into my flesh. In the firelight, his gaze looked unfathomably bleak. “Tell me how much you love him. Beg for his life. ”
/>
“Please,” I whispered, fighting the tears that welled in my eyes. “Please spare him. ”
“Why?”
“Because the collar can’t give you what you want,” I said recklessly. I had only one thing with which to bargain and it was so little, but I pressed on. “I have no choice but to serve you, but if Mal comes to harm, I will never forgive you. I will fight you any way that I can. I will spend every waking minute looking for a way to end my life, and eventually, I’ll succeed. But show him mercy, let him live, and I will serve you gladly. I will spend the rest of my days proving my gratitude. ” I nearly choked out the last word.
He cocked his head to one side, a small, skeptical smile playing about his lips. Then the smile disappeared, replaced by something I didn’t recognize, something that looked almost like longing.
“Mercy. ” He said the word as if he were tasting something unfamiliar. “I could be merciful. ” He raised his other hand to cup my face and kissed me softly, gently, and though everything in me rebelled, I let him. I hated him. I feared him. But still I felt the strange tug of his power, and I couldn’t stop the hungry response of my own treacherous heart.
He pulled away and looked at me. Then, his eyes still locked on mine, he called for Ivan.
“Take her to the cells,” the Darkling said when Ivan appeared in the doorway of the tent. “Let her see her tracker. ”
A sliver of hope entered my heart.
“Yes, Alina,” he said, stroking my cheek. “I can be merciful. ” He leaned forward, pulling me close, his lips brushing my ear. “Tomorrow, we enter the Shadow Fold,” he whispered, his voice like a caress. “And when we do, I will feed your friend to the volcra, and you will watch him die. ”
“No!” I cried, recoiling in horror. I tried to pull away from him, but his grip was like steel, his fingers digging into my skull. “You said—”
“You may say your goodbyes tonight. That is all the mercy traitors deserve. ”
Something broke loose inside me. I lunged at him, clawing at him, screaming my hate. Ivan was on me in moments, holding me tight as I thrashed and strained in his arms.
“Murderer!” I shouted. “Monster!”
“All of those things. ”
“I hate you,” I spat.
He shrugged. “You’ll tire of hate soon enough. You’ll tire of everything. ” He smiled then, and behind his eyes I saw the same bleak and yawning chasm I had seen in Baghra’s ancient gaze. “You will wear that collar for the rest of your very, very long life, Alina. Fight me as long as you’re able. You will find I have far more practice with eternity. ”
He waved his hand dismissively, and Ivan pulled me from the tent and down the path, still struggling. A sob tore loose from my throat. The tears I had fought to hold back during my conversation with the Darkling gave way and streamed unchecked down my cheeks.
“Stop that,” Ivan whispered furiously. “Someone will see you. ”
“I don’t care. ”
