Page 45 of Shadow and Bone (The Grisha 1)
He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “We have to move constantly to track the herd. My unit is barely in contact with the regiment anymore. ”
There was such weariness in his voice. For the first time, I looked at him, really looked at him, and I saw how much he had changed. There were shadows beneath his blue eyes. A jagged scar ran along the line of his unshaven jaw. He was still Mal, but there was something harder about him, something cold and unfamiliar.
“You didn’t get any of my letters?”
He shook his head, still wearing that same distant expression.
I didn’t know what to think. Mal had never lied to me before, and for all my anger, I didn’t think he was lying to me now. I hesitated.
“Mal, I … Can’t you stay a little while longer?” I heard the pleading in my voice. I hated it, but I hated the thought of him leaving even more. “You can’t imagine what it’s been like here. ”
He gave a rough bark of laughter. “I don’t need to imagine. I saw your little demonstration in the ballroom. Very impressive. ”
“You saw me?”
“That’s right,” he said harshly. “Do you kn
ow how worried I’ve been about you? No one knew what had happened to you, what they’d done to you. There was no way to reach you. There were even rumors you were being tortured. When the captain needed men to report back to the Darkling, like an idiot I made the trek down here just on the chance that I would find you. ”
“Really?” That was hard for me to believe. I’d gotten so used to the idea of Mal’s indifference.
“Yes,” he hissed. “And here you are, safe and sound, dancing and flirting like some cosseted little princess. ”
“Don’t sound so disappointed,” I snapped. “I’m sure the Darkling can arrange for a rack or some hot coals if that would make you feel better. ”
Mal scowled and stepped away from me.
Tears of frustration pricked my eyes. Why were we fighting? Desperately, I reached out to lay a hand on his arm. His muscles tensed, but he didn’t pull away. “Mal, I can’t help the way things are here. I didn’t ask for any of this. ”
He looked at me and then looked away. I felt some of the tension go out of him. Finally, he said, “I know you didn’t. ”
Again, I heard that terrible weariness in his voice.
“What happened to you, Mal?” I whispered.
He said nothing, just stared into the darkness of the hall.
I raised my hand and rested it on his stubbly cheek, gently turning his face to mine. “Tell me. ”
He closed his eyes. “I can’t. ”
I let my fingertips trail over the raised skin of the scar on his jaw. “Genya could fix this. She can—”
Instantly, I knew I’d said the wrong thing. His eyes flew open.
“I don’t need fixing,” he snapped.
“I didn’t mean—”
He snatched my hand from his face, holding it tightly, his blue eyes searching mine. “Are you happy here, Alina?”
The question took me by surprise.
“I … I don’t know. Sometimes. ”
“Are you happy here with him?”
I didn’t have to ask who Mal meant. I opened my mouth to answer, but I had no idea what to say.
“You’re wearing his symbol,” he observed, his glance flicking to the little gold charm hanging at my neckline. “His symbol and his color. ”
“They’re just clothes. ”
Mal’s lips twisted in a cynical smile, a smile so different from the one I knew and loved that I almost flinched. “You don’t really believe that. ”
“What difference does it make what I wear?”
“The clothes, the jewels, even the way you look. He’s all over you. ”
The words hit me like a slap. In the dark of the hall, I felt an ugly flush creeping up my cheeks. I snatched my hand from his, crossing my arms over my chest.
“It’s not like that,” I whispered, but I didn’t meet his gaze. It was as if Mal could see right through me, as if he could pluck every fevered thought I’d ever had of the Darkling right out of my head. But on the heels of that shame came anger. So what if he did know? What right did he have to judge me? How many girls had Mal held in the dark?
