Page 102 of When We Had Forever
“No, why would you have gone to Hawaii? Why would Michael have agreed to that? Because he must have, for you to pull that off. To switch with him like that.”
“Yeah, he did.”
“Why?So he could spend that time working?”
“No.”
“Then what?” I’m screeching now, but I don’t care. “Why would Michael send his twin off to frolic with his wife on the beach? To stay up all night watching the stars with her? To tell her he loves her, for god’s sake? That she’s one in seven fucking billion? What could possibly make himokaywith that?”
Grayson steps closer, but I splay out a hand, warning him off. “Don’t you fucking touch me.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t.” If heartbreak were a sound, his voice would capture it exactly. “And I’ll tell you everything. Just...please understand it wasn’t my idea. Michael just called me out of the blue one day, in a panic. Well, not apanicpanic, you know how he was. But he sounded stressed, which I knew was the equivalent of World War Three for him, and he said he’d made you a promise he couldn’t keep. Except if he broke it, you’d never forgive him. He said he had no choice but to ask for my help, and even then, he tried not to let you down. He really did. He had me wait in the bathroom at the airport, and I honestly didn’t think I was getting on that plane until he texted me at the last minute, saying he couldn’t make himself do it. Then he came in and gave me his clothes and his phone, and... Well. You know the rest. You were there.”
I stumble backward. One hand finds the knotted-wool blanket on the daybed purely by feel. I draw it up, hiding my skin.
I feel like I’m choking. God, that trip. That magical, intoxicating whirlwind I clung to for so many years. How many times did I forgive Michael his distance—yet again—because of the searing warmth of that week? How many times did I tell myself the man I’d fallen in love with still existed, that our vacation was definitive proof? How many times did I reassure myself that if I only tried hard enough, I couldgetto him?
How long did I spend chasing the wrong man?
My knees buckle, dumping me hard onto the cushions.
“I’m sorry, Mina. I’m so, so sorry.”
I look at him helplessly. “The one time I was actually happy, it was you?”
“No,” he says in a rush. “You were happy at home. With Michael.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
Oh, god. I’ve never said that out loud before. Not even in the privacy of my own head. But here it is, finally, and now I want to shout it. Scream it at the sky.
“Yes, you were.” Panic laces his words. “I asked you on the plane, when we left Oahu. I know you probably don’t remember, but you said—”
“I know what I said.” I pass a hand over my eyes. That conversation plays entirely differently now, in my head. “But I didn’t actually mean it. I mean, what I said was true.In Hawaii. But not at home. I just thought if I pretended, maybe the person you’d been on that trip would come back to Seagrove with me. It was...my way of asking you to stay. Or something.”
He blanches. “I didn’t take it that way. I thought... Fuck. I know it must not seem like it now, but all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”
A gnarled laugh leaps from my throat. “And you thought that’d be best accomplished by lying to me?”
He winces. “I never actually lied. I made sure not to.”
“I don’t care,” I say. “That’s just a technicality. It doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole.”
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
My god. I should have trusted him on that. He told me so himself. “So that no-sex rule Michael and I had in Hawaii? That was the real reason why?”
“Yes,” he murmurs. “That was why.”
“You didn’t evenkissme on that trip.”
His eyes plead with me. “No. The only reason I did right now is because you asked me to. You knew it was me and you wanted that.”
I go quiet. The urge to cry has passed, but something worse has taken its place. Where the room felt so safe and certain a minute ago, now I feel lost inside it, just a wandering speck floating between these wide-apart walls.
“What else do you want to know?” he begs.
I laugh, but it sounds desolate. Not like my laugh at all. “I don’t know, why don’t you tell me when you first fell in love with me? Was it when we spent that night on the beach? When we swam with the turtles? Or maybe that dinner in Kona, when I kept my feet in your lap under the tablecloth all evening, just so we’d be touching?”
