Page 135 of When We Had Forever
Grayson sits back and runs a hand through his hair. “Mostly, I’ve finally made peace with all this. And I’ve decided people should learn from me. From everything I did wrong. The thing is, I should’ve told this woman everything. I’ve thought a lot about why I didn’t, and it’s because deep down, I was afraid. So the moral of the story is, don’t be. Don’t worry about whether you’re enough for someone, or whether you deserve them. Fuck all that. That’s for them to decide, anyway, not you.”
“Wise words,” Desiree says.
“I think so. But I didn’t understand them at twenty-five, and I made a stupid decision, then covered it up with the kind of ridiculous confidence you only have when you’re young. And look where I ended up. Without her. Which is okay, really. For the first time in my life, it’s okay. Mostly because it has to be. And also because I’m happy knowing she’s gotten a chance at the dream she always wanted. But she deserved more from me. She deserved fearlessness. So to everyone watching, be fearless. If you love someone, don’t hide yourself. Throw yourself into it with your whole heart, your whole being. Anything else is a waste of time.”
Desiree sniffles into her tissue. “And if she’s watching right now? What would you tell her?”
His mouth curves. “She’s not watching. Zero percent chance.”
My fingers curl around the cushion and squeeze.
“But if she is?” Desiree presses. “What’s the single most fearless thing you could say to her?”
He gives her a sidelong smile, as if he sees the trap she’s constructed using his own words but doesn’t mind walking into it. His gaze shifts toward the camera.
I lean in so far I nearly swan-dive off the couch. Kate does, too.
“Probably the same thing I wanted to tell her after the avalanche. The thing is, she’s already heard it. She just didn’t know I was talking to her, at the time.” His chest rises and falls as those insanely beautiful eyes stare right into me.
Desiree smooths down her skirt. “Go ahead.”
“I love you like crazy,” Grayson tells me. “Meeting you changed me, and it broke me, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Because...and here’s the part you don’t know...it healed me, too. Knowing everything turned out okay for you, that helps me sleep at night. And I’ll always have the memories we made together. Not that I don’t wish we could make more. I’d kill to make more. But if this is all we ever get, it’s okay.I’mokay. Even as bad as it hurts, it was worth every minute. You were worth any price.”
Complete silence. Grayson holds my eyes for a flurry of heartbeats, then eases back. For a brief second, I think he’s going to need the tissues after all, but then he winks at Desiree, who laughs.
“I think I’m going to give you my husband’s number,” she jokes.
He laughs. It’s a sound I haven’t heard in fourteen years, not like this. And I see he really does look at ease with himself, his hands slung together in his lap, his smile comfortable.
“Well,” Desiree says, bringing the interview back around, “I think this might be one of the most honest episodes we’ve ever filmed. And after those closing remarks, I’m sure most of the world will be waiting to see what happens with your mystery girl.”
Grayson casually pulls his phone from his pocket. “Probably nothing. But on the off chance that she texts me, I’ll warn you right now that I’m walking off this set and letting you wrap things up on your own.”
They trade a few more lines of banter. Even after the screen flicks back to the home page forCelebrity Confessions, I continue to stare.
He seems different. Maybe because we’ve both come to grips with the truth, or because he’s finally realized his own worth, but whatever the cause, something inside him has untwisted.
Something untwists in me, too. My past cleaves into separate threads no longer intertwined.
Michael and Grayson. Two radically different people who mean entirely different things to me.
The process that has slowly been taking place for months finally reaches stillness, the last shock wave of an earthquake dying away. On one side, there’s my love for Michael, soft and sad and forever broken. On the other, my love for Grayson, a firestorm of depth and possibilities.
Never the twain shall meet.
I open my mouth and turn to Kate. And stop. “Oh my god. You’re crying. Why’re you crying? You didn’t even cry atPearl Harbor.”
Silent tears pour down her cheeks. “Why’re younot?”
I blink. “Because that wasn’t sad, Kate. That was the opposite of sad.”
“Maybe for you.”
After a stunned moment, I dash to the kitchen for one of those ever-handy linen napkins and come back to fold her in my arms. She blows her nose, her hair tickling my chin. I hang on and rub her back. “What’s going on? Is this about Tanner?”
“Not exactly.” Her tears dry up, but her voice wobbles. “I mean, I don’t want you to think any less of him.”
“It’s okay. I’m your friend. I’m not here to judge, just listen. You can tell me anything.”
