Page 118 of When We Had Forever
“I’m not asking for it to be.” He grimaces. “I know it’s too late. I knew it last night. Even if I hadn’t, when I woke up and you weren’t there...” He bites down on the rest.
I look away. Silence piles between us.
“So what now?” I finally ask.
He makes a bitter sound. “You tell me. You’re in charge here. What I want doesn’t factor into this.”
I consider, but it’s like reaching for something that isn’t there. “Whatdoyou want, though?”
He squeezes the bridge of his nose. “It doesn’t matter. And you don’t want to hear it. Trust me.”
“Just tell me. Please.”
He drops his hand with a humorless laugh and stares through the windshield. “You really want to know? Well, shit...where do I start? Really, I just want to carry you into that cabin and tear all your clothes off again. I want to make love to you in front of the fire and hear you say my name the whole time. Myrealname. I want to make you make that little squeaking moan again. I want to do that a million times. And then I want to bring you with me to New Zealand, and let you choose which assignment I take after that, and after that. Take you wherever you want to go. I want to wake up and see your face every morning and make you coffee while you sleep in like a teenager, and I want to beat you at Monopoly over and over again and cook you kettle corn that’s three times too sweet because that’s the way you like it and... I don’t know. Get a fucking dog with you, or something.That’swhat I want.”
I topple back in my seat like he’s pushed me. “Would the dog be old?”
His brow knits. “I guess?”
“And smelly?”
“Sure. Why not.”
I don’t say anything. I can almost see it—us leading a normal life, like two people who just met and fell in love and didn’t have an ocean’s worth of lies and lost chances between them.
But we aren’t those people. We never will be.
Grayson sighs. “But I know that isn’t what should actually happen.”
My breath catches. “What should happen?”
“You should go home.” He doesn’t miss a beat. “And put the pieces back together. Live your life. Do the things that make you happy. Forget about Michael. He wasn’t worthy of you, anyway. And he’s definitely not deserving enough to keep you from moving on. I’m not, either.”
Tears prickle behind my eyes, but I hold them in check. “You make it sound so easy.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I get that. But remember when you asked if I still recognize you? I said I do, and it’s true. And the Mina I see is strong. Strong enough to get through anything.”
“I don’t feel strong,” I say faintly. I feel like someone who’s just been emotionally filleted.
“Bullshit. You are. You always have been. Look how much whining and feeling sorry for myself I’ve done, and in the meantime, you’ve survived so much worse than I have. But you’re still here. Because you’re like that lantern, Mina. You glow. You endure. So go home, and get past this. And be happy.”
Get past this. The words catch beneath my breastbone. “But what does that mean for you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s time I tried taking my own advice. Maybe I need to do what I decided in Nepal and let go.”
My stomach shrinks to a hard, aching marble. “Of me?”
He shrugs stiffly. “Of my obsession with you, maybe. I’ve always thought the only thing I’ve ever done right in my life is love you. That it was my only redeeming quality. But I think...maybe I need to figure out who I am without you. Because right now I have no idea. It’s like I’ve spent half my life running. Toward you. Away from you. Shit, half the time I can’t even tell the difference.”
My breath dies. He might as well have cut my chest open and let my heart squelch out onto the floor mat.
Except he’s right. “I have no way to argue with that.”
“Well, damn it.” He fiddles with the steering wheel. “I was kind of hoping you would.”
“I don’t.” My throat burns. “But Iamsorry. For it to end this way.”
He exhales and slides down in the seat. “It’s okay. You promised me three days, and that’s what I got. I might’ve gotten my hopes up for a minute, but I never really expected anything else. And the truth is I could never be with you, anyway.”
