Page 117 of When We Had Forever
I search for words. I know we have to talk. Obviously we do, but I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to say. Leaving before he woke up already sent a clear enough message.
“Just come back with me,” he says. “Please? This is no place to be at twilight. Not unless you want to run into that mama bear again.”
Okay, maybe he has a point. I glance around, but there are just trees and more trees, and nothing overhead but a scrap of velvet sky. As mired in my thoughts as I was, I didn’t pay an ounce of attention on my way here. “Fine. But we’re lost.”
“Not really.” Grayson turns a circle, inspecting the forest, the stars, the ground. He still doesn’t look at me. The set of his shoulders gives me the impression he doesn’t want to.
Finally, he points. “It’s this way.”
I scan the dark beyond his finger. “How do you know?”
He cuts me a look.
I press my lips together. Of course.Hetaught me how to orienteer. Not Michael.
We set off. Unsurprisingly, Grayson delivers us straight to my backyard. The cabin glows in the budding dawn. In the driveway, his red whatever-it-is sits parked at a cockeyed angle, as if he arrived in a hurry.
“Thanks.” I catch at his arm. “For getting me home.”
He pulls away. He’s wearing a T-shirt, presumably chosen in haste, and rubs at his pebbled arms. “Youknowthe woods are dangerous at this hour.”
I flinch and attempt to swallow the shame in my throat. “Yeah. I just...didn’t know what else to do. Where else to go. I needed to process. Alone.”
He sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets. “And? Did you? Process?”
I waver. “Not really. But we should still talk. Do you want to come inside?”
He aims a glance at the cabin, then away. I can almost see him figuring that the evidence of our night by the fire still litters the room. “Not really.”
“Okay.” I shuffle my feet. “In your car, maybe?”
“Fine,” he says.
“Fine.”
We make for the driveway. I set the lantern down and climb into his race car. Grayson hunches in the driver’s seat, his muscles taut as he glares at the steering wheel.
“A stick shift?” I say, in a futile attempt to lighten the mood. “I didn’t know anyone actually drove these anymore. Looks complicated.”
He stares at me like I’ve committed a mortal sin. “That’s what you want to talk about? Really?”
I pause. “No. I just... Sorry. It’s just that nothing I have to say is going to be what you want to hear.”
He grunts. “Yeah, I figured as much. It’s fine.”
When he doesn’t continue, I bury my face in my hands. “It’snot, though. This is all too much to handle. I mean, Michael dying was bad. Really bad. But now I’ve found out my whole life has been a charade. That the guy I married was essentially a stranger. Not to mention a manipulative asshole. And the one I actually loved lied to me. Do you have any idea what that feels like? How confusing that is? Howhurtful?”
His eyes darken. “I never meant to hurt you, Mina. Ever. Like I said last night.”
“You know what? I actually believe you. But that doesn’t change the fact that you did, anyway. Which almost makes it worse.”
He goes quiet, gears turning behind his eyes.
“And the craziest thing is,” I continue, “that despite it all, I still love you. I’m so fucking in love with you it hurts.” I laugh hollowly, unable to imagine a sadder way to echo his words back to him.
He blinks, rapid-fire.
“But it’s all twisted up,” I say. “Mangled. Like a fork someone’s pulled out of the disposal. It’s not...functional.”
