“Liar. So are you getting up today or what? You need sustenance.”
I agree to meet her in the cafeteria in half an hour, but I have no idea why, because the moment I’m out of bed, I want to crawl back in. I’m nauseous, and my head feels like someone smacked it with a Wiffle ball bat. And speaking of whiffs, that’s when I catch a smell of myself. My pores are boozy and sour. My hair reeks of stale cigarettes. And my clothes. Oh, gross. I run to my sink, dry-heaving.
And that’s when I discover last night’s vomit. And I puke for real. Again.
In the shower, I find weird bruises on my legs and feet. I have no idea what they’re from. I slump in my tiny tiled corner and let the hot water run. And run. And run. I’m twenty minutes late for breakfast. Lunch. Whatever it is. Paris is blanketed in several inches of snow.When did that happen? How could I sleep through the first snowfall? The white glare makes me shade my eyes.
Thankfully, Rashmi is alone at our table when I stumble in. I couldn’t face anyone else right now. “Morning, sunshine.” She smirks at my wet hair and puffy eyes.
“What I don’t understand is how people actually think drinking is fun.”
“You were having fun when you were dancing last night.”
“Too bad I can’t remember.”
Rashmi slides a plate of dry toast toward me. “Eat this. And drink some water, but not too much. You might throw up again.”
“I already did.”
“Well.You’re off to a good start.”
“Where’s Josh?” I take a small bite of toast. Yuck. I’m not hungry.
“You’ll feel better if you eat it.” She nods at my plate. “He’s still asleep. We don’t spend every minute together, you know.”
“Yeah. Right. That’s why you and I hang out all the time.”
Whoops.
Rashmi’s brown skin reddens. “I know this’ll be a shock to you, Anna, but you aren’t the only one with problems. Josh and I aren’t exactly on the best of terms right now.”
I slink down in my seat. “I’m sorry.”
She fiddles with her juice lid. “Whatever.”
“So . . . what’s going on?” It takes a minute of prodding, but once she starts, it’s as if a dam has burst. It turns out they’re fighting more often than I’d thought. Over Josh skipping school. Over her pushing him. She thinks he’s upset because she’s leaving next year, and he’s not.We’re all leaving for college, and he’s not.
I hadn’t thought of that before.
And she’s upset about her younger sister, Sanjita, who’s hanging out with Amanda’s crowd, and worried about her brother, Nikhil, who’s getting bullied, and angry with her parents, who won’t stop comparing her to her older sister, Leela, who was the School of America’s valedictorian two years ago. And Mer is always too busy with soccer to hang out, and Étienne and I are always buddy-buddy, and . . . she lost her best friend.
Ellie still hasn’t called her.
And the whole time she’s spilling her guts, I feel so ashamed. I never realized she didn’t have anyone to talk with. I mean, I know Ellie was her best friend, and she wasn’t around anymore, but somehow I forgot that meant Rashmi didn’t have anyone else. Or maybe I assumed Josh was enough.
“But we’ll work through it,” she says about him. She’s trying not to cry. “We always do. It’s just hard.” I hand her a napkin, and she blows her nose. “Thanks.”
“Of course. Thanks for the toast.”
She gives me half a smile, but it disappears as she notices something behind me. I turn in my seat to follow her gaze.
And there he is.
His hair is completely disheveled, and he’s wearing his Napoleon shirt, which is more wrinkled than ever. He shuffles toward Monsieur Boutin with a plate of . . . dry toast. It looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. And he’s still beautiful. My heart shatters. “What do I say? What am I supposed to say to him?”
“Deep breath,” Rashmi says. “Take a deep breath.”
Breathing is impossible. “What if he won’t talk to me? I told him not to talk to me anymore.”
She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “You’re fine. And he’s coming over, so I’m letting go now. Act natural.You’re fine.”
Right. I’m fine. Right.
His walk to our table is excruciatingly slow. I close my eyes. I’m worried he won’t sit with us, that he really WILL never speak to me again, when his tray clatters down across from me. I don’t remember the last time he didn’t sit beside me, but that’s okay. As long as he’s here.
“Hey,” he says.
I open my eyes. “Hey.”
“Shoot!” Rashmi says. “I gotta call Josh. I said I’d wake him before I ate, and I totally forgot. Seeyouguyslater.” And she scurries away as if we’re contagious.
I push my toast around my plate. Try another bite. Gag.
Étienne coughs. “You all right?”
“No.You?”
“Feel like hell.”
“You look like hell.”
“Says the girl with hair dripping like a wet beastie.”
I sort of laugh. He kind of shrugs.
“Thanks a lot, Étienne.”
He prods his toast but doesn’t pick it up. “So I’m ‘Étienne’ again?”
“You have too many names.”
“I have one name. People just split it oddly.”
“Whatever.Yeah.You’re Étienne again.”
“Good.”
I wonder if this interaction counts as an apology. “How was she?” I don’t want to say her name.
“Vicious.”
“I’m sorry.” And I’m not, but I have an overwhelming urge to prove we can still be friends. There’s an actual ache inside of me that needs him. “I didn’t mean to mess things up, I don’t know what got into me—”
He rubs his temples. “Please don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”
“But if I hadn’t dragged you out to dance—”
“Anna.” Étienne speaks slowly. “You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do.”
My face grows hot as the knowledge explodes inside of me like dynamite.
He likes me. Étienne really does like me.
But as soon as the information hits, it’s replaced by confusion, by a notion so sickening it thrusts my emotions to the opposite end of the spectrum. “But . . . you’re still with her?”
He shuts his eyes in pain.
I can’t control my voice. “You spent the night with her!”
“No!” Étienne’s eyes jerk back open. “No, I didn’t. Anna, I haven’t . . . spent the night with Ellie in a long time.” He looks at me beseechingly. “Since before Christmas.”
“I don’t understand why you won’t break up with her.” I’m crying. The anguish of being so close to what I want, and it still being so far away.
He looks panicked. “I’ve been with her for a long time.We’ve been through loads together, it’s complicated—”
“It’s not complicated.” I stand and shove my tray across the table.The toast bounces off the plate and hits the floor. “I put myself out there, and you rejected me. I won’t make that mistake again.”
I storm away.
“Anna! Anna, wait!”
“Oliphant! Feeling better?” I jump back, having nearly run into Dave. He’s smiling. His friends Mike and Emily Middlestone, aka the Girl with the Pink Stripe, wait behind him with lunch trays.
“Um. What?” I look over, and Étienne is on his feet. He was about to follow me, but now that he’s seen Dave, he isn’t sure anymore.
Dave laughs. “I saw you in the lobby last night. Guess you don’t remember.Your friends were struggling to get you in the elevator, so I helped them carry you.”
Rashmi didn’t mention this.
“You yakked something fierce in your sink.”
Dave was in my room?
“You okay today?” He tucks a shaggy lock of hair behind an ear.
Another glance at Étienne. He steps forwar
d but then hesitates again. I turn back to Dave, something new and ugly hardening inside of me. “I’m fine.”
“Cool. So we’re going to this Irish pub in Montmartre tonight. Wanna come?”
I’ve had enough drinking for a while. “Thanks, but I’d rather stay in.”
“That’s cool. Maybe some other time?” He grins and nudges me. “When you’re feeling better?”
I want to punish Étienne, hurt him in the way that he hurt me. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
Dave’s eyebrows lift, perhaps in surprise. “Cool. See you around, then.” He smiles again, shyly this time, and then follows his friends to their usual table across the room.
“Cool,” Étienne says behind me. “It was really cool talking to you, too.”
I whirl around. “What’s your problem? So you can keep dating Ellie, but I can’t even talk to Dave?”
Étienne looks shamed. He stares at his boots. “I’m sorry.”
