Page 77 of One Time Only (One Time Only 1)
I go to my room, brush my teeth, and wash the night off me so I won’t smell like the sex maniac I am when I work out with my friends. I put on running clothes and head to the lobby.
As Cruz’s shift ends, and a backup bodyguard covers for Terrence, I meet the guys outside the hotel.
We pile into a Lyft and make our way to Red Rock to run there. We talk some as we go. Terrence says he misses Melody. Cruz misses his little girl and his wife. I tell them I’m going to see Bethany in a few more days.
“And will you miss Stone?”
The question comes from Cruz as we crest a hill. Simple, direct.
On the downhill, I answer him the same way. “Yes, but . . .”
Terrence snaps his gaze my way. “Yes, but what?”
“Yes, but there are a million issues.”
Cruz knits his brow as he pounds the path. “A million, man? A million? Seems more like one.”
“Yes, one. Feels like a million,” I say as the sun rises higher.
“Does it though?” Terrence counters.
“Yes, it does.”
“Or does it feel like a million because you don’t know what you’re going to do about the fact that you’ll miss him?” Terrence asks.
I swallow roughly, my throat dry but not from the heat. More from the inquisition. But it’s a grilling I need.
I slow my pace some more, shake my head, then opt to level with my friends. Now is not the time to be macho. Now is the time to ask for help. “I don’t know what to do.”
Like a car slamming on the brakes, we all slow to a jog.
“What are your options?” Terrence asks.
I drag a hand over my hair. “I don’t know. That’s the thing. I just don’t know.”
“Do you want to be with him? Does he want to be with you?” Cruz asks.
Those are valid, important questions. A few days ago, I didn’t know the answer to either of them. Maybe twenty-four hours ago I didn’t know the answer to the second one.
Now I’m pretty sure the answers to both are the same.
“Yes, and yes,” I say with a heavy sigh.
Terrence offers me a palm to high-five. Cruz makes a fist for knocking. Shaking my head, I push out a laugh. “Guys,” I say, smacking back, then knocking. “It’s not that simple.”
“You’re right,” Cruz says in his no-nonsense fashion. “It’s not simple in the least. But it’s awesome.” He raps his fist against his sternum. “It’s awesome right here that you feel that way for another person. Life is short. Love is beautiful. Grab it, bro.”
A smile threatens to take over my mouth. “You think so?”
Terrence claps me on the shoulder. “I’ve been hoping you’d meet someone again. Someone who rocked your world but respected your wishes. Who didn’t put himself in harm’s way every day. Now you have. And now we need to figure out how you’re going to deal with it.”
My throat tightens as a new swell of emotion rises in me, the feeling that comes from good friends having your back.
“Got anything in mind?” I ask as we resume our pace.
Both guys shake their heads at the same time. “Not a clue,” Terrence says.
“But I bet we can figure something out,” Cruz adds.
For the first time in a while, I feel like maybe I can too.
I feel hope.Hope can trick you though.
Hope can make you believe that wishes and wants are more powerful than reality.
Reality sets back in later that day as I head to meet Ryan for lunch at a Chinese restaurant.
The hopeful feeling fades, and another feeling takes its place—a prickle of dread spreads over me when the Lyft driver pulls into the strip mall.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to ignore this new emotion.
But as I thank the driver and get out of the car, I can’t shake this uncomfortable, nagging feeling, like a pebble in a shoe.
I put on my shades as I walk to the restaurant, trying like hell to be in the moment. The issue is that the moment requires me to be someone else. Helping Ryan—a young, impressionable US Marine looking for a solid gig now that he’s out of the military—means I need to be his mentor.
I need to be the guy he can look up to and hopefully admire. Definitely respect.
I can’t be the guy fucking his boss and be the guy giving Ryan job advice.
The two men don’t coexist. Honor and dishonor can’t share the same real estate.
Truth and secrets don’t fit in the same body.
That’s the crux of the issue. I can’t be the man I want to be if I keep sneaking around with Stone.
That is what we’re doing.
Sure, we want to be free to touch in public.
To walk into the hotel together. To kiss in the casino. To hold hands in the elevator.
