Page 127 of The Ragpicker King
She sat opposite him in the carriage. The curtains were open and the hot sunlight poured in, making the small space stuffy. Lin had her medicine satchel on her lap, and Kel caught the faint scent of willowbark and astringent soap that seemed to infuse her clothes.
Where does he think you are?He knew she meant Conor, though she hadn’t used Conor’s name. Like him, when she saidhe,she meant only one person.
“He didn’t ask where I was going,” he said. “He’s fairly distracted at the moment.”
“Oh.” Her eyes darted away from his. Kel leaned forward as the carriage lurched on its way up the Hill.
“Are you in love with him?” he asked. “Because he is certainly in love with you.”
Lin started so violently that her satchel fell to the floor, spilling ampoules of herbs. “I don’t—” She bent over, hiding her face, gathering up the dropped substances. She waved away his offer of help. “Don’t,” she said. “Why would you ask such a thing?”
“Because it’s obvious,” he said, remembering the way Lin and Conor had danced at Antonetta’s engagement party. The way Conor looked the night after he’d met Lin during the banquet. The way his voice changed when he said Lin’s name. “At least, it’s obvious to anyone who knows him, and I should have guessed it sooner. I’ve been an idiot.”
“That’s ridiculous,” she said. “He isn’t in love with me. He needed me to help his father. He didn’t even want to ask me, but he was desperate. And he put me under a royal order to do it. Does that sound like something you’d do to someone you love?”
“For Conor, it is. Because you make him feel out of control. Do you know how unusual that is for him? Almost everyone in Conor’s life wants something from him. They want power, money,proximity to the throne. They want to be near him because to be near him is to be closer to the Gods.”
“Conor doesn’t even believe in the Gods.”
“That doesn’t matter,” Kel said. “And especially not to you. You have no use for our Gods. You are complete in yourself. You need nothing from him; you never have. And hecannot understand it.You might as well put him in a lifeboat and set him adrift. He grasped at that royal order because to him you are like water slipping through his hands. He knew no other way to hold you—and,” he added, “I am not saying this is a good thing about him, but it is a true thing. I am assuming he has released you from the order since?”
Lin, having managed to stuff everything back into her satchel, glared at him. “Yes,” she said. “How did you know?”
“Because Conor likes to win games, but he doesn’t like to beallowedto win. If he thought you were only willing to see him because he was forcing you, he wouldn’t be able to stand it.”
Lin’s mouth trembled. “He set me free, but I still felt bound to him. I feel bound to him even now. As if there is some cord that connects us both—and I feel it even when he is not there.” She pushed her tumbled red hair out of her face. “He has offered me a house in the Silver Streets, a place as his mistress, his word that he will always take care of me. But is that not also just another sort of imprisonment? A gilded cage is still a cage.”
“He offered you all those things? Then he’s desperate to keep you with him. I didn’t realize how desperate.”
Lin spread her hands wide. “I’m sure he’s made this offer to others.”
“Never,” Kel said. “I doubt the thought of such an offer has ever even crossed his mind before. He is the Prince. He has always known that his heart was not really his to give.”
“He didn’t offer me his heart. He offered me a house.”
“It’s all hecanoffer,” Kel said with a force that surprised him. He thought of Antonetta, and of how little he had ever had to offer her. “It’s everything he has.”
“I always knew it was impossible,” Lin said. “He is the Prince, and I am Ashkar.”
“I don’t think he gives a damn about that,” Kel said. “For the past months, since the Shining Gallery, he has thought of nothing except how he can make up for past sins. And for the first time he has taken it seriously, what it means to be a Prince and a leader. What you owe to the throne and the people who put you on it. You have seen the state of his father. He has had to be both Prince and King. It’s not because he loves Anjelica that this is all he can offer you. It’s because he loves Castellane, and only through this alliance with Kutani can he keep it safe.”
It was all true, he thought, even if Conor didn’t understand the full nature of the threats Castellane faced. But he would by tonight, and perhaps they could bring Anjelica into the discussion. Kutani would help them fend off whatever Malgasi might bring.
Lin was very pale. “I don’t know what to say, Kel.”
“You never answered my question.” Kel leaned forward. They were rolling under the North Gate into the Palace proper. “Do you love him?”
She smiled the ghost of a smile. “Sword Catcher,” she said. “Are you protecting him now? You know I cannot hurt him.”
“I think you can hurt him more than he has ever been hurt,” said Kel. “And even if I cannot stand in front of him to block this blow, I can stand beside him while he endures it.”
Lin closed her eyes. They were drawing up to the North Tower, where Benaset stood guard by the door. The shadow of the tower fell over them, darkening the inside of the carriage. When Lin opened her eyes again, Kel saw them shine in the dimness.
“I do not want to love him,” she said. “It frightens me more than anything has ever frightened me. Can you understand that?”
Kel said nothing. With an impatient gesture, Lin flung the door open and leaped down from the carriage. He watched her run past Benaset into the tower, her satchel bouncing on her shoulder, her red hair flying like a bright banner in the sun.
Elsabet
